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Ma Will Pay (1 Viewer)

MrTickle

Senior Member
Been quite a while since I have posted anything in here. Just a short poem I wrote recently. I don't write too much poetry but looking to write more of it. Thanks!


Ma Will Pay


I’m living idle wishing I was a living idle,
Instead I got ma working
While I sit and dream
Soaking up that income stream.

She’s saddled like a saline bag
Drip feeding me cheddar
So I have time to dream of everything I can do better.

My Ma,
She’s dragged through the muck
Tied to a rope,
But I was too late to realise.
I’m too busy hoping my dreams materialise.

I’m Black Beauty with blinkers
Trickin’ everyone with its limp
that it wouldn’t even get a job down the tip.

The gold fell out ma’s pocket
Somewhere along the trail
‘Hey ma, here’s where we prey for God’

‘Or get a job, before we both go grey, you lazy sod.’





















 

jenthepen

Staff member
Mentor
Hi, Mister Tickle. I like the gentle humour that carries your poem along. It feels like rap, or a song, and the rhythm is consistent, strong, enjoyable to read and the punchline is great. :)

I noticed a couple of word that I think may be mistakes - the final word in the first line should be idol and near the end, pray for God.

Thanks for posting this, I enjoyed it. :)
 

MrTickle

Senior Member
Hi, Mister Tickle. I like the gentle humour that carries your poem along. It feels like rap, or a song, and the rhythm is consistent, strong, enjoyable to read and the punchline is great. :)

I noticed a couple of word that I think may be mistakes - the final word in the first line should be idol and near the end, pray for God.

Thanks for posting this, I enjoyed it. :)
Thank you for the feedback and taking the time to read! I’ll correct the word at the end too.
 

Firemajic

Poetry Mentor
Staff member
Senior Mentor
Hey Mr. T... Nice to read your work again....
you have some killer lines, like: "soaking up that income stream", "I'm black beauty with blinkers", and this one: "The gold fell out Ma's pocket"....
howevvver... for me, this poem was a little bit chaotic ... moving from point A to B ...
cool vibe though and a cool read...
and I noticed you have not taken the time to edit.... hummm...
 

MrTickle

Senior Member
Hey Mr. T... Nice to read your work again....
you have some killer lines, like: "soaking up that income stream", "I'm black beauty with blinkers", and this one: "The gold fell out Ma's pocket"....
howevvver... for me, this poem was a little bit chaotic ... moving from point A to B ...
cool vibe though and a cool read...
and I noticed you have not taken the time to edit.... hummm...
Thanks firemajic, it’s been a while! And I have edited the piece on my Word document haha. Anyway glad to see you are still about on here.
 
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