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Lucien the fallen (1 Viewer)

Solus

Senior Member
(I would recommend reading the redraft rather than this one, as I consider the second iteration superior)

Let me tell you about my life
Let tell you about my dreams
Let me tell you of a life adrift, I wish it wasn't me
Of my everlasting strife
Of a mind tearing at the seams
Of my arrogance and of my fall, laid bare for all to see


Let me tell you of my hope
Of my need to find the dark
Let tell you of my grandest failure, let me tell you why
Let me tell you why...


-


A boy was born, with gift of spark
With parents gone and strong in heart
He went away under song of lark
Away he must, to Willowguard
Where he went was those of his kind
Who wove the strings of all that is
And there he wandered blind
For magic guided, like song of bard


And he took the name of Lucien
For he had none to call his own
Walking through the ancient fen
He thought of it, for it meant light
On a long-winded path of cobblestone
His feet strode on as he thought
Tearing hard on flesh and bone
He chose it, for he would be bright


Now eyes were coloured by light of awe
Before him lay the castle of Willowguard
And he could not believe what he saw
For the castle flew there high, unwavering
So he dashed like wind, to the bridge
That would carry him to the other side
Made of stone, like mountains ridge
It left the ground far beneath, beckoning


There he learnt to command the land
His might with spells shining through
And he wove his magic, ever grand
There flames were conjured, shimmering
His passion and spirit drove him forth
It made him into the brightest star
and them he followed to the north
on a ship under frost moon, glimmering


But something else had begun to grow
His heart like flame, flickering
Humility buried beneath pride, far below


The ice crashed beneath the Galleons boards
The salty wind on his face enlivening
The ice-pikes afore the ship like raised swords
Under shine of moon and light of star, glistening
His journey to Flamekeep bore
Oer' waves like mountains
A place like from where he came before
Now standing atop the bow, listening


Oer' mountain of might, the cathedral stood
Built by hands of ethereal kind
Keeping the flame, for it was good
Warding against the dread of night, blazing
To set the starving beasts acinder
Those who come from below
To burn them up like dried tinder
Flamekeep reveres the holy light, praising


Gherwinn old covered in mist
As the ship came upon the docks
He lit the way with glowing fist
Atop bow of Galleon grand, gazing
There stood Silas, gifted sparkling tall
Guiding with softly glowing gold
Soon both stars stood in the hall
Below grandest magistrates, appraising


But the skies were not grand enough
For two celestials this bright
Incandescence can be wholly rough
When one has always been the brightest
No, this had to be decided
See who'd win, gold or fire
Over great power, both presided
Would not remain unknowing in the slightest


So in the darkened forests, under the bleeding moon, the challenge began


-


Fire and lightning
Both of them fighting
Razing bolt and holy lance
Engaging in the magus dance
Under the red
Master the dread
Best your foe in battle hard
With fire great leave forest charred
Weave with thread
The arrow's head
With bow of mountains' power
We now have reached the hour
And Lucien fell
By Silas spell
A moment of pride, a failed stride
His starlight now, dead and dried


-


Lucien lost more than his pride
His being screamed in disbelief
With evil allied, righteousness died
He threw darkness at Silas, full of hate
But Silas saw the mounting night
Believing whatever came would be fair
So he cast a mirror of golden light
And Lucien met his destiny, his accursed fate


So darkness his soul embraced
Even though the light he chased
And Lucien met his fall
Neath' the darkened shadows, where moonlight glistens


And perhaps he'll live again
When darkened souls of men
find their way to him
So that he may find his place, for there is darkness between the stars

-

I am considering scrapping the first part. Thought’s on this?
 
Last edited:

Firemajic

Poetry Mentor
Staff member
Senior Mentor
This is EPIC... you have some fabulous material hidden in the clutter... This is just my opinion, but I would love for you to edit the helloutta this... it is hard to tell if the storyline is strong, because I was overwhelmed with chaos....
 

Solus

Senior Member
This is EPIC... you have some fabulous material hidden in the clutter... This is just my opinion, but I would love for you to edit the hell outta this... it is hard to tell if the storyline is strong because I was overwhelmed with chaos...

I would just like to know one thing: Is it the rhyming scheme that is weird, the story that is too convoluted, that there is too little information or vital information about the story or that there is just too much non-essential text in the poem? What is it that I should attempt at fixing with an edit?

You see, I am very much a beginner poet, and in truth, I have very little idea what it is that I am doing. But, I would love to make this better, no doubt

Thanks in advance, Firemajic

-

Also, escorial, may I ask what it is that makes it so distracting? I am always striving to be better and would be thankful for any advice by those more accomplished than me
 

Pelwrath

WF Veterans
Solus;

You seem to have or were working on an ode or ballad. Your first two stanza's are good. Here is how I would've written the 3rd stanza. This is only a suggestion, how I would do it. An FYI, it wasn't that long ago I was a new poet and to be honest, I still am. We all here are always learning and growing.

Your 3rd stanza:
A boy was born, with gift of spark
With parents gone and strong in heart
He went away under song of lark
Away he must, to Willowguard
Where he went was those of his kind
Who wove the strings of all that is
And there he wandered blind
For magic guided, like song of bard


My suggestion:

Orphan boy gifted with spark
at Willowguard grew strong of heart
he spoke with the song of the lark.
he wove strings of magic with those of his kind
blindly wandering the roads
like a bard of old.
 

Darkkin

WF Veterans
Instincts are right in scraping the first two stanzas. Perspective is 1st person, the in S3 you switch to 3rd person. Essentially this guy taking about himself in the third person...Never an endearing action. Start with S3 and with your 3rd person perspective. And as a reader, the rhyme scheme struggles, not because of the rhymes themselves, but because of the pattern.

a
x
a
b
c
d
c
b

You have a triple scheme running, but it does not have a pulse easily discernible to the reader. A case of too many irons in the fire. I'm a major rhymer and a tercet prime writer (3 line unit per rhyme set), and still I struggled with this. With the placement of your a and c schemes you have the placement of a couplet prime (1st and 3rd lines of a 4 line unit), which is the scheme most readers pick up on instinctively. Where this struggles in with the additional d scheme, L4 and L8, adding a third pulse into the piece. Try removing one of the schemes, I would suggest your d scheme and let the couplet prime pattern hold the weight of your story. Read aloud and see if you don't hear a difference.

- D.
 

Firemajic

Poetry Mentor
Staff member
Senior Mentor
Let me tell you about my life
Let tell you about my dreams
Let me tell you of a life adrift, I wish it wasn't me
Of my everlasting strife
Of a mind tearing at the seams
Of my arrogance and of my fall, laid bare for all to see


Let me tell you of my hope
Of my need to find the dark
Let tell you of my grandest failure, let me tell you why
Let me tell you why...

I agree that you could cut the first and second stanzas without compromising your message ;)


-


A boy was born, with gift of spark
With parents gone and strong in heart
He went away under song of lark
Away he must, to Willowguard
Where he went was those of his kind
Who wove the strings of all that is
And there he wandered blind
For magic guided, like song of bard


And he took the name of Lucien
For he had none to call his own
Walking through the ancient fen
He thought of it, for it meant light
On a long-winded path of cobblestone
His feet strode on as he thought
Tearing hard on flesh and bone
He chose it, for he would be bright


Now eyes were coloured by light of awe*** maybe cut lines, such as this one because they [ IMO] do not move your story forward... yes, it is a beautiful line, but save it for another poem ;)
Before him lay the castle of Willowguard
And he could not believe what he saw
For the castle flew there high, unwavering
So he dashed like wind, to the bridge
That would carry him to the other side
Made of stone, like mountains ridge
It left the ground far beneath, beckoning
Check out the above lines, see if you can edit...


There he learnt to command the land
His might with spells shining through
And he wove his magic, ever grand*** cut "ever grand"
There flames were conjured, shimmering
His passion and spirit drove him forth
It made him into the brightest star*** kinda cliché ....
and them he followed to the north
on a ship under frost moon, glimmering** THIS is a gorgeous line.... beautiful imagery....


But something else had begun to grow
His heart like flame, flickering
Humility buried beneath pride, far below**** nice!


The ice crashed beneath the Galleons boards
The salty wind on his face enlivening
The ice-pikes afore the ship like raised swords**** fabulous imagery but it is lost in the excess of the rest of the stanza...
Under shine of moon and light of star, glistening
His journey to Flamekeep bore
Oer' waves like mountains
A place like from where he came before
Now standing atop the bow, listening


Oer' mountain of might, the cathedral stood
Built by hands of ethereal kind
Keeping the flame, for it was good
Warding against the dread of night, blazing
To set the starving beasts acinder
Those who come from below
To burn them up like dried tinder
Flamekeep reveres the holy light, praising


Gherwinn old covered in mist
As the ship came upon the docks
He lit the way with glowing fist
Atop bow of Galleon grand, gazing
There stood Silas, gifted sparkling tall
Guiding with softly glowing gold
Soon both stars stood in the hall
Below grandest magistrates, appraising


But the skies were not grand enough
For two celestials this bright
Incandescence can be wholly rough
When one has always been the brightest
No, this had to be decided
See who'd win, gold or fire
Over great power, both presided
Would not remain unknowing in the slightest


So in the darkened forests, under the bleeding moon, the challenge began


-


Fire and lightning
Both of them fighting
Razing bolt and holy lance
Engaging in the magus dance
Under the red
Master the dread
Best your foe in battle hard
With fire great leave forest charred**** not sure about this line or this stanza... is it crucial?
Weave with thread
The arrow's head
With bow of mountains' power
We now have reached the hour
And Lucien fell
By Silas spell
A moment of pride, a failed stride
His starlight now, dead and dried


-


Lucien lost more than his pride
His being screamed in disbelief
With evil allied, righteousness died
He threw darkness at Silas, full of hate
But Silas saw the mounting night
Believing whatever came would be fair
So he cast a mirror of golden light
And Lucien met his destiny, his accursed fate


So darkness his soul embraced
Even though the light he chased
And Lucien met his fall
Neath' the darkened shadows, where moonlight glistens


And perhaps he'll live again
When darkened souls of men
find their way to him
So that he may find his place, for there is darkness between the stars

-

I am considering scrapping the first part. Thought’s on this?



You have some really fabulous lines.... go over this, word by word, line by line and cut excess words and lines so that this poem moves at a faster pace... [ the faster pace with add a sense of urgency and drama] and showcases the beauty of the necessary imagery...
 

Solus

Senior Member
A boy was born, with gift of spark
With parents gone and strong in heart
He went away under song of lark
Where he went was those of his kind
Who wove the strings of all that is
And there he wandered blind
For magic guided, like song of bard
Away he must, to Willowguard


And he took Lucien as his name
For he had none to call his own
Leave the past behind like the shame
No longer a bastard, anew he's born
Striding towards the future
Risen above the world, of the forlorn
He thought of it, for it meant light
He chose it, for he would be bright


Before him lay the end of his journey, Willowguard
had his imagination splintered, this would be a shard
For a castle flew there like gathering clouds
Unseen but for those with the gift
Hidden among snow and ethereal shrouds
He was carried up by the flying bridge
Made of stone, like mountains ridge



Like a musician of magic, he created works of art
The lesson of devotion taken to the heart
His zeal and spirit drove him higher
Passion burning like a fire
But he wished to know even more
he went away in search of lore
On a ship under frost moon, glimmering
Under lights of the heavens, shimmering


But something else had begun to grow
His heart like flame, flickering
Humility buried beneath pride, far below


The ice crashed beneath the Galleons boards
The salty wind on his face enlivening
The ice-pikes afore the ship like raised swords
His journey to Flamekeep bore
Oer' waves like mountains
A place of magic and of lore
Sitting atop rising and falling bow, listening
Under shine of uncounted stars, glistening


Oer' mountain of might, the cathedral stood
Built by hands of ethereal kind
Keeping the flame, as best as they could
To set the starving beasts acinder
Those who come from below
To burn them up like dried tinder
Warding against the dread of night
Flamekeep reveres the holy light


Gherwinn old lay covered in mist
As the ship came upon the docks
He lit the way with glowing fist
And was greeted by Silas, sparkling tall
A star like him, whose light reached far
Creating golden flowers to line the halls
Magistrates spoke high of their power
And from fame, they clearly did not cower


But the skies were not grand enough
For two celestials this bright
Incandescence can be wholly rough
when one is not the brightest
Their light was far too even
and both wished to reach the highest
No, this had to be decided
Over great power, both presided
See who'd win, fire or gold
See who'd lose, and have to fold


So on the barren moors, under the bleeding moon, the challenge began


-


Fire and lightning
Both of them fighting
Razing bolt and holy lance
Engaging in the magus dance
Under the red
Master the dread
Best your foe with magic might
Fly up to deserved height
Weave with thread
The arrow's head
With bow of mountains' power
We now have reached the hour
And Lucien fell
By Silas spell
A moment of pride, a failed stride
His starlight now, dead and dried


-


Lucien lost more than his pride
His being screamed in disbelief
With evil allied, righteousness died
He threw darkness at Silas, full of hate
He was the brightest, it was his fate
But Silas saw the mounting night
Believing whatever came would be fair
So he cast a mirror of golden light


And Lucien's soul tasted the dark
In terror, he felt the burning mark
And his body started to fade
The debt could not be paid
A ghost of darkness chained to the moor
Even though the intentions were always pure


So darkness his soul embraced
Even though the light he chased
And Lucien met his fall
Neath' the darkened shadows, where moonlight glistens


And perhaps he'll live again
When darkened souls of men
find their way to him
So that he may find his place, for there is darkness between the stars

_______________________________________________________

My first redraft. I did my best to consider all the advice I was given. I hope it is better, and also that you as a reader may enjoy

PS. I am terrible at cutting lines and reducing the length in poems. Whenever I do it, it feels like I make the piece worse, like I am losing things that were supposed to be there. Does anyone have any advice for this?
 
Last edited:

Pelwrath

WF Veterans
Solus;
What you said about cutting lines is very natural. You're being asked to eliminate something you felt was good and needed. Yet, others feel some wasn't needed. What you feel is natural, so take your time with any and every revision. do it and let it sit for a day. Compare it to the original for your intent. I'll read your revision over and get to it in a day or so.
Don't be sorry or think you made a mistake with your original. you didn't This isn't a test, it's a learning and growing experience. Been there, and doing that now. You do have a talent.
 
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