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Lovers (1 Viewer)

Jk_Sl

Senior Member
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The poison idea was from Romeo and Juliet.
Honestly, I would be selfish and take the poison, as grieving a lover that is still alive is the most unimaginable pain you will endure.
Almost like internally bleeding from a car crash but the wound never heals.
 
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2020Syd2020

Senior Member
Hello,

There is an honesty to this piece and the other piece that you have shared which I really appreciate as a reader. It doesn’t feel like the speaker is trying to mislead their audience in anyway. That is the kind of poetry that I relate must to, the stuff that leaves all of the speaker on the page.

I would say from a criticism perspective that I think you could develop this piece so that it shows the reader what the speaker is feeling, rather than just tell them. I think you could create something truly emotive by showing the reader glimpses of this couple hurting one another. I’m not saying you need to leave everything on the table but just a few more glimpses would really strengthen the piece.

I hope this helps

Cheers

Syd
 

Jk_Sl

Senior Member
Hi.

Thank you for your input.
This point in my life , I have just began writing,
I really value your help, this is also still quite raw for me and I will take your points on board.

Thank you very much.

Jk.
 

AnnieJay

Senior Member
I really liked this piece. I appreciate poems that bring raw emotions to the surface, and I really felt the sorrow and pain you poured into this piece. I recommend removing the repetition with "perfect" and "down", unless of course that is what you were going for. And, also break up the last line, or simplify it perhaps:

Drink the poison Darling
I cannot bare to see you in pain

Thank you for sharing!
 

ritudimrinautiyal

Senior Member
We were never perfect but we were, was pretty damn perfect..... So much love and respect for the beautiful common moments. Lovely poem.
Keep writing, your pen possesses ink with strong impact.
Good luck.
Ritu
 

Jk_Sl

Senior Member
I really liked this piece. I appreciate poems that bring raw emotions to the surface, and I really felt the sorrow and pain you poured into this piece. I recommend removing the repetition with "perfect" and "down", unless of course that is what you were going for. And, also break up the last line, or simplify it perhaps:

Drink the poison Darling
I cannot bare to see you in pain

Thank you for sharing!

Thank you, I see what you mean with the repetition, I had thought it sounded good making it rhyme, I may change it at some point if I can think of something better.
I value your input.
 
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