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asahmed1

Senior Member
Can you determine the wisdom:


Man plucked the thorn
off elephant's foot --
Elephant carried the man
Through the enduring sea




I wrote this looking while I was looking at a girl, but it may lack enlightment experience. However, i think i may be gotten the haiku idea:


At sight of her presences
My heart races...
I stand frozen.
 
Last edited:

Martin

Senior Member
It's a very nice metaphor, it's deep with nuances; the interbeing, the compassion expressed and the scales - thorn to sea. Only thought was about if "sea" fitted the scenery. The "enduring" I definitely liked.

Your haiku I think is very good. You have the kireji in the first line, the connection between the two following and nicely contrasting images. I like the present tense in the images, it makes it feel like a moment passing.

Good job.
 

asahmed1

Senior Member
Martin,

I am very glad you liked it. It have me a direction to seek out. I choosed that word enduring b/c it is lasting. The wisdom I was shooting for, when you releve pain from someone, you to will have a life-long intimate companionship (or similar to that nature).

How ever, I didn't much from the 2nd one. I wrote this one to someone.
 
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