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Looking for help with a story I started (1 Viewer)

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Hey there! I'm Sammy and I'm looking for some help with a mafia story that I've started and I don't know how to proceed with it.

The basic plot of the story is that there's a traitor in the mafia and an anonymous person has contacted the right hand man, Ruki, offering to join them and help them identify who the traitor is. Ruki passes the information on to the boss, Ayato, who agrees to let the sender in if they identify themselves and promise to help identify and he threatens to kill them if they betray them.

Here's what I've written so far

The door flies open. Ayato's attention snaps towards the loud thump, watching as his right-hand man enters the room, somewhat calmly, despite the sudden outburst.

He exhales softly. "Good evening, Ayato."

"It's 'sir' to you," Ayato snaps, crossing his arms and leaning back in his chair, frowning at the male standing in front of him.

Ruki sighed, irritated. "Good evening, sir," He rolled his eyes.

Ayato gave a small nod of approval. "Speak."

"I'm sure you're aware of the possibility that there's being a traitor in our clan, yes?"

The leader raised an eyebrow, waiting for Ruki to continue talking.

"I've received a message from an anonymous sender. Apparently, they've hear of the news, and wish to join us. In return, they're willing to find the identity of the one betraying us."

Ayato stared at his right-hand man, with a tint of disbelief. "Surely you aren't that stupid. What if they have connections with the traitor? What do you think will happen if we let them do as they please, without knowing anything about them?" He hissed. "I refuse to let our clan be remembered as nothing more than a joke."

"I'm aware. I simply came to ask you for your thoughts on this."

Ayato pinched the bridge of his nose. "Tell them this," He cleared his throat. "first, they must reveal their own identity. If not, I refuse to let them in."

"And if they happen to obligate?"

There's a small huff from the red-haired man. "then we can discuss it."

Ruki bowed. "Very well. I will proceed to let them know."

He turned on his heel, and opened the door. Before he could manage to leave, he heard Ayato call out to him.

"Oh, just one more thing," He began. "Why do you seem so angry today?"

"Just having a bad day, that's all," Ruki muttered. He left the room, this time, closing the door gently.


I just don't know how to continue this. So if you have any ideas at all then please tell me as it would help me out a ton with writing this!!
 

vranger

Staff member
Supervisor
I can't help you finish your story, but I can give you some hints to improve what you've got:
* Pick a tense and stay in it. You're back and forth between past and present tense.
* Identify and eliminate clichés. There are quite a few. You've written them because you've seen them in other places and think they sound cool, but what happens is you take one from here and one from there and put them all together in one place, and it leaves your story with nothing fresh.
* To me, starting the story like this seems a bit abrupt. I'd like to know more about why they would believe there's a traitor and what issues the traitor has caused.

You have the important first step, which is the urge to write. You'll do yourself a favor by doing some study as you go so that you can recognize things like mixed tenses and clichés. You want to correct issues like that before the writing passes to a second set of eyes.
 

luckyscars

WF Veterans
I'm not sure what you mean by 'I don't know how to proceed with it'. It's your story...

As far as what you have, yeah it's okay for a start. This is an area for discussion not critique so I won't offer much more, but I would definitely work on setting the scene. I have no idea where these people are, who they are, what the stakes are. The fact you needed to preface it will explaining it's the mafia, etc. indicates the problem as you should not need to explain the story with preface, that information needs to come via the narrative itself. As it stands, the narrative reads rather flat. The dialogue is okay but the rest of it felt more like stage directions "The door flies open. Ayato's attention snaps towards the loud thump, watching as his right-hand man enters the room, somewhat calmly, despite the sudden outburst." Definitely fix the tense and read more books to learn how to structure it.
 
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