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Looking for feedback on this query letter. New revision in thread. (1 Viewer)

FrancisD

Senior Member
Please scroll to end of thread to see the most recent edit.

Dear _,

In line with your interest in crime fiction, I am seeking representation for MOONBEAM, a crime thriller, complete at 78,800k.

It follows Danny and Megan for an intense two weeks, as they try to avoid being killed by gangsters, stay out of jail, and extricate themselves from the clutches of an ambitious bent cop.

Danny get blamed for the death of Eddie Teller. Pulling a gun on an SAS trained individual proved fatal. Danny runs from Ralph Teller, Eddie’s vengeful gangster brother, and his reawakened PTSD.

Four years later, in a quiet seaside town, Danny is content to just fish and drink the odd beer. Then he meets the captivating and beautiful Megan, and finds he wants more out of life. However, a picture she posts on Facebook reveals his whereabouts, and two of Teller’s henchmen show up. Danny spots them, and a violent confrontation ends with the henchmen dead, and Megan an accomplice to murder. They head to London to ‘deal’ with Ralph. They have two guns, a little cash, and almost no chance of surviving.

The writing style will appeal to fans of Elmore Leonard, Ian Rankin, Lynda la Plante and Jo Nesbo.

Originally from London, I lived on the periphery of the underworld and drug scene. In recovery, I became an addiction therapist. I live in Devon now and focus on my writing.

Documents attached, as requested.

Thank you for your consideration.


Francis de Aguilar
 
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Ajoy

Senior Member
Dear _,

In line with your interest in crime fiction, I am seeking representation for MOONBEAM, a crime thriller, complete at 78,800k.

It follows Danny and Megan for an intense two weeks, as they try to avoid being killed by gangsters, stay out of jail, and extricate themselves from the clutches of an ambitious bent cop. I personally don't care for the query opening with this line. It doesn't transition well into the more comprehensive blurb and it feels redundant at you explain in more detail below. If you're looking for a hook line, I wonder about using the fact that Danny is blamed for Eddie Teller's death.

Danny get(s) blamed for the death of Eddie Teller. Pulling a gun on an SAS trained individual proved fatal. Danny runs from Ralph Teller, Eddie’s vengeful gangster brother, and his reawakened PTSD. The first two sentences of this paragraph confuse me. How are they related? What is an SAS trained individual (maybe knowing this doesn't matter?)? I find myself wishing for a transition between the first two sentences, or something more to connect the dots between them, anyway.

Four years later, in a quiet seaside town, Danny is content to just fish and drink the odd beer. I wonder if the knowledge that this 'on the run' situation lasting four years should be mentioned within the previous paragraph, preferably as part of the last sentence. It was a bit confusing/shocking to see because you mention a two week timeline in your opening line (although I understood after finishing the paragraph, it pulled me out of the story). I wasn't anticipating this kind of time passing based on that opening sentence. Also, what was going on with his PTSD in that time? It feels like four years is a long time for that to go unresolved.Then he meets the captivating and beautiful Megan, and finds he wants more out of life. However, a picture she posts on Facebook reveals his whereabouts, and two of Teller’s henchmen show up. Danny spots them, and a violent confrontation ends with the henchmen dead, and Megan an accomplice to murder. They head to London to ‘deal’ with Ralph. They have two guns, a little cash, and almost no chance of surviving. I like how you've written this paragraph from the second sentence on. My only wonder is why do they have almost no chance of surviving? They took down two henchmen and then went on the offensive--they sound formidable.

The writing style will appeal to fans of Elmore Leonard, Ian Rankin, Lynda la Plante and Jo Nesbo.

Originally from London, I lived on the periphery of the underworld and drug scene. In recovery, I became an addiction therapist. I live in Devon now and focus on my writing.

Documents attached, as requested.

Thank you for your consideration.


Francis de Aguilar
I only commented on the blurb part of the query because the other parts all look pretty good to me. :) That said, take what you will from all my advice. I'm very new to writing query letters.
 

FrancisD

Senior Member
I only commented on the blurb part of the query because the other parts all look pretty good to me. :) That said, take what you will from all my advice. I'm very new to writing query letters.
Thank you for your feedback. I shall post a revised versions.
 

FrancisD

Senior Member
Dear..


In line with your interest in crime fiction, I am seeking representation for MOONBEAM, a crime thriller, complete at 78,800 words.

The problem with hiding from the Tellers is they never stop hunting you.

Danny feels safe tucked away in a little Welsh seaside town. He’s content to fish, drink the odd beer, and maybe get laid now and then. When he meets and falls for the captivating Megan, a Facebook post she makes inadvertently drags him back out into the open.

Danny was torn. The vindictive gangster Ralph Teller blamed him for the death of one of his brothers and now Megan could be in danger. He could leave her and run, or go to London to face Ralph.

Two of Teller’s henchmen arrive and in a violent confrontation with SAS trained Danny, they both die.

Danny and Megan dispose of the bodies and are now complicit in murder. As they watch the them slip below the surface of the ocean, with only a few bubbles for an epitaph, they realise they may well join them, if they don’t ‘deal’ with Ralph.

MOONBEAM follows Danny and Megan for an intense two weeks as they look for a way to get at Ralph, while contending with the machinations of a greedy bent cop. They have two guns, a little cash, and almost no chance of survival.

Moonbeam combines heroes like Cormoran and Robin in Robert Galbraith’s Strike series, with antagonists straight out of the TV series, Gangs of London, created by Gareth Evans.

Originally from London, I lived on the periphery of the underworld and drug scene. In recovery, I became an addiction therapist. I live in Devon now and focus on my writing.

Thank you for your consideration.

Francis de Aguilar
 
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Ajoy

Senior Member
Dear..


In line with your interest in crime fiction, I am seeking representation for MOONBEAM, a crime thriller, complete at 78,800 words.

The problem with hiding from the Tellers is they never stop hunting you. I like this hook.

Danny feels safe tucked away in a little Welsh seaside town. He’s content to fish, drink the odd beer, and maybe get laid now and then. When he meets and falls for the captivating Megan, a Facebook post she makes inadvertently drags him back out into the open.

Danny was torn. The vindictive gangster Ralph Teller blamed him for the death of one of his brothers and now Megan could be in danger. He could leave her and run, or go to London to face Ralph. I'd rework this so you've got all present tense. Does Danny know what Megan accidentally did before the gang members arrive? If not, it might be good to see the next, one sentence paragraph incorporated into the beginning of this paragraph instead. 1. Henchmen arrive and violence happens 2. He chooses to stay with her or not... that doesn't feel right either, though...couldn't he also leave her to go to London. What if this paragraph was eliminated (and maybe pull key information into the other paragraphs--like Ralph blaming Danny & Megan being in danger)?

Two of Teller’s henchmen arrive and in a violent confrontation with SAS trained Danny, they both die.

Danny and Megan dispose of the bodies and are now complicit in murder. As they watch the them slip below the surface of the ocean, with only a few bubbles for an epitaph, they realise they may well join them, if they don’t ‘deal’ with Ralph. I was able to follow, but was distracted by so many theys and thems in a short space.

MOONBEAM follows Danny and Megan for an intense two weeks as they look for a way to get at Ralph, while contending with the machinations of a greedy bent cop. They have two guns, a little cash, and almost no chance of survival.

Moonbeam combines heroes like Cormoran and Robin in Robert Galbraith’s Strike series, with antagonists straight out of the TV series, Gangs of London, created by Gareth Evans. I wonder about italicizing the titles...you should double check me, but I think that's the formatting guideline? And I think you can all caps your title here as well. (I've seen differing advice on this stuff though, so I acknowledge there may be a few acceptable ways to do this.)

Originally from London, I lived on the periphery of the underworld and drug scene. In recovery, I became an addiction therapist. I live in Devon now and focus on my writing.

Thank you for your consideration.

Francis de Aguilar
I liked this one more overall. It was generally clearer. :) I added notes around a couple of areas that still confuse me or might need a format check.
 

FrancisD

Senior Member
Dear..

In line with your interest in crime fiction, I am seeking representation for MOONBEAM, a crime thriller, complete at 78,800 words.

The problem with hiding from the Tellers is they never stop hunting you.

Danny feels safe tucked away in a little Welsh seaside town. He’s content to fish, drink the odd beer, and maybe get laid now and then. When he meets and falls for the captivating Megan, a Facebook post she makes inadvertently drags him back out into the open.

Danny is torn. The ruthless gangster Ralph Teller blames him for the death of one of his brothers and now Megan is in danger. He could leave her and run, or go to London to face Ralph. However, two of Teller’s henchmen show up, and in a violent confrontation with SAS trained Danny, they both die.

Watching the bodies they trussed slip into the sea with only a few bubbles for an epitaph, it dawns on Danny that he and Megan are now complicit in murder, and if Ralph is not ‘dealt’ with soon, they could face a similar fate.

MOONBEAM follows Danny and Megan for an intense two weeks as they look for a way to get at Ralph, while contending with the machinations of a greedy bent cop. They have two guns, a little cash, and almost no chance of survival.

Moonbeam combines heroes like Cormoran and Robin in Robert Galbraith’s Strike series, with antagonists straight out of the TV series, Gangs of London, created by Gareth Evans.

Originally from London, I lived on the periphery of the underworld and drug scene. In recovery, I became an addiction therapist. I live in Devon now and focus on my writing.

Thank you for your consideration.

Francis de Aguilar
 
Last edited:

Ajoy

Senior Member
Dear..

In line with your interest in crime fiction, I am seeking representation for MOONBEAM, a crime thriller, complete at 78,800 words.

The problem with hiding from the Tellers is they never stop hunting you.

Danny feels safe tucked away in a little Welsh seaside town. He’s content to fish, drink the odd beer, and maybe get laid now and then. When he meets and falls for the captivating Megan, a Facebook post she makes inadvertently drags him back out into the open.

Danny is torn. The ruthless gangster Ralph Teller blames him for the death of one of his brothers and now Megan is in danger. He could leave her and run, or go to London to face Ralph. However, two of Teller’s henchmen show up, and in a violent confrontation with SAS trained Danny, they both die.

Watching the trussed bodies slip into the sea with only a few bubbles for an epitaph, it dawns on Danny that he and Megan are now complicit in murder, and that if Ralph is not ‘dealt’ with soon, they could face a similar fate.

MOONBEAM follows Danny and Megan for an intense two weeks as they look for a way to get at Ralph, while contending with the machinations of a greedy bent cop. They have two guns, a little cash, and almost no chance of survival.

Moonbeam combines heroes like Cormoran and Robin in Robert Galbraith’s Strike series, with antagonists straight out of the TV series, Gangs of London, created by Gareth Evans.

Originally from London, I lived on the periphery of the underworld and drug scene. In recovery, I became an addiction therapist. I live in Devon now and focus on my writing.

Thank you for your consideration.

Francis de Aguilar
I like this one a lot. It's clear to me and the timing makes total sense now. :)
 
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