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Loneliness with a Reason? [Rant/Essay About Self-Discovery] (1 Viewer)

H

Hidden Moon

(Author's Note: This is my first essay post on here. It may seem more like a rant, and I apologize.)

There are some moments in life that when they happen, you change, become different. It could be for the better, and it could be for the worse. What happens when that moment is the death of your mother? Of your beloved kindergarten teacher? Your first pet, or the sound of a gun-shot suicide nextdoor? When something like death culminates inside of you, or for instance, me, many people take on something called pity for you. I was the school pity-child. I was the hobbit sized, doe eyed, motherless little girl who had broken her back in a car accident.

And then I was moved to a new town.

What happens when the first things people say to you are hurtful? When they ridicule you and beat you down with words? I tried to be happy, but the other children, they didn't know me. They saw me as short, fat, and big-nosed. I loved the teachers, and the few friends I made. But I was numb. The idea of having no mother was still so fresh. The pain of that day still lingered, and I didn't know how to live anew. I left that elementary school, graduating to middle school. And that first year was no different. People brought me down, didn't care who I was. I was small, insignificant little Rachel. Many people didn't know about my past, and I was afraid to tell them. The insults and the teasings were overpowering. I hurt people. I physically hurt other kids. I kicked guys and girls. I didn't know what else to do. I wasn't a bully, I was just misunderstood. I would smile, and I would laugh, but it didn't change anything about me. Two years of this mess. But, in every dark dream shines that last light of hope. I found screenwriting at the end of seventh grade, and as summer went by, I realized what had begun to happen. I took the teasing, the pity, the love, and I turned it into me, and my personality. And then, that final moment came. I stood before the class and told them the story of why I was insecure and scared. I wrote mean things about a girl, and I came to the conclusion in the aftermath that the words were about me.

What happens when you find yourself? Well, one never truly finds themselves so early in life. But I know I'm different. But this difference makes things hard. I know my body, my humor, my smile, my eyes, my hands and my mind. I know what I am good at, and I am an organized, reasonable, mature 14 year old girl. But what does that do? It makes every other 14 year old around me seem inferior. And that, I know, is cruel to think. I have many friends now. Too many to count. I have a huge personality, and it's a good one. But then, that maturity is there. I don't do the things other kids do. I have morals, and I have tastes. I can have conversations with adults much easier than I do with kids closer to my own age. But that maturity and self-discovery is so evident, that people seem like mindless chimps. There are teenagers with no morals, no discipline, and no regards to adults. They don't care about their parents. I'm afraid they would have to go through the same thing I did to finally realize just how short life is, and how important their parents are. My math class has Juniors in it, and they act like 5th graders. I feel annoyed, angry after every class. Why do people act in such a way? Does it make them feel good? Do they feel like little rebels? I want to yell at them, asking them this. But I must stop and breathe. Some teens my age have not gone through the things I have. I cannot expect the same of every person in the high school. Perhaps the adults, but not the kids. I want to live in the real world with people who can articulate and speak. But I'm young, and I have still so many years to live.

What do you do when the years that define childhood are so quickly taken away? What happens when you experience self-discovery? When you take everything that was bad in your past and made it good in some way? You become a different person, and hopefully for the better.
 

Raging_Hopeful

Senior Member
Just wanted to let you know that you were right when you said "Some teens my age have not gone through the things I have." But I would like to emphasize that there are many who have. More than you might think. Your words brought tears to my eyes for it reminded me of my own childhood and how so many years were taken away as I began to discover that I was different from everyone else. You are not alone in this piece, you write the words of many, though it can feel so lonely.

My advice to you? When high school comes and goes, don't let yourself become bitter. I am only 19 but still struggling to undo the atrocities I committed to others and myself during high school. Don't hold it all in and don't poison yourself with resentment... because trust me, it all gets so muddied and clouded in high school.

It is only now as an adult that I can reflect in a healthy way and seek to recapture the slivers of childhood that were taken from me. The horrible things that happen to children are never their fault, but as they grow up, the responsibility is passed to them; being responsible for their feelings and reactions to a world that won't care about one little girl's pain.

But even if the world doesn't care, I do. *hugs* You're on the right track and I encourage you to stay to it. There are so many who get lost to the tide.
 

Raging_Hopeful

Senior Member
By the way, you are very articulate and well-worded for 14. I was myself. Hang onto your words. They will become the sword in which you defend the weak and conquer true evil.

Welcome to the Forum!!
 

Beez617

Senior Member
Moon,

I must say that for a fourteen year old, you certainly have words beyond your years. The way that you wrote that made me think of the horrid past of mine in junior high. I indeed wrote something such as this as my escape. There are many teenagers all over the world that have gone through this and then some. You must remember that you are a strong individual as it is evident through your writing.

Use this talent well, Moon. This was very well written. I expect to see more of you in the near future.

-James
 
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