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Life as a Hoover (1 Viewer)


C Welton Jr

Too many people they would say there life pretty much sucks, well in my case it actually does, as I am a Hoover. The names Jay Edgar by the way and yes I do know I share a similar name as a US president, but no pun intended. My life is pretty simple I eat up all the shit until my sack is full then I get emptied then I start all over again, and when I cant be bothered to work I fake an illness or just pack up altogether, and yes you might say I share similar traits to male of the species. I’m just you average run of the mill Vacuum just trying to do his job to the best of my abilities. You might say I’m a bit of a perfectionist, others would just say he gets the job done. But I don’t get phased by my critics, I make the little lady at home happy, that’s all I need to get on with my dusty existence.
But just this week I seemed to have gotten into a spot of bother, seems like the that same lady is asking a little too much of me at this moment in time, don’t know how much longer I can put up with that bitch moaning at me.

Monday 21st October

The day started off, as usual Mr Wilson went off to work very early. Him and Mrs Wilson have been having problems at the moment and he don’t want to be around the house much at this moment in time. The little bastards awoke to wreak havoc upon the world for another week. I’m fed up off having to Hoover up pencil shavings and crap from under those little brats. I have a right mind to report them to my union rep, only I don’t have one so with a little luck the little lady will strategically leave me around the house lying in wait hoping one of those little brats stubs there toe on me again.
Arhhh 10 am mine and the little ladies time to reflect. “Uhh what’s this you must be joking.” She only wants me to Hoover up Dog mess you know where you shove that Hoover attachment Mrs. I hate that dog, only one thing to do PACK UP ON THE BITCH. Just because I done that she puts me on time out and parks me under the stairs cupboard. It just isn't my day.

Tuesday 22nd October

The little lady, uhh excuse me BITCH has seemed to forgotten about me. Still locked under the stairs like bloody Harry Potter. Hey wait a minute what’s that, you have got to be joking me she using the Dust Buster. Huh lets see how well she gets on with that one. I’m going to sit here and gloat you want tough work then that’s fine by me.

It’s been over 24 hours now and I’m starting to think she is taking the piss. I’m scared for my life. Please someone anyone help. Help me please, help me please.

Wednesday 23rd October

I need dust and I need dirt, I need to clean. Hey wait it’s Wednesday that can mean only one thing Mrs Granny Lady she’s come to rescue me. I knew someone would hear my cries. And there as if the answer to my prayers was Granny, on Wednesday’s the little lady goes shopping and Granny lady comes and does the cleaning. She takes real good care of me, and I do the best job ever just to show the little lady I can do a much better job than that heap of junk dust buster can, filthy midget of a Hoover your not even fit enough to be called a cleaning device you little bastard.

Just as I thought I do the best job ever and the little lady is so pleased she leaves me out for the rest of the day, and yes I got one of the little brats. That’s a good couple of hours down accident and emergency, that will teach them to watch where they are going.

Thursday 24th October

Couldn’t get much rest Mr Wilson and the little lady where arguing for most of the night. Didn’t really get what it was about, but she’s fed up of him coming and going as he pleases and he’s not happy that she notices and gives a damn. Well I’m lost all I know is I got to be tip top today don’t want to upset the little lady.

Not my finest hour but I clean up the dog mess for her. Well she deserves it. I think I deserve a gold star but I don’t want praise, I just want people to realise what I’m doing for this family.

18:00 hours Mr Wilson steps into the household, but this isn’t any ordinary entry he comes bearing gifts. The little lady is happy and for once, they both share an intimate moment together, something I haven’t seen in a long while. Even the little brats seemed normal for once. Today was a good day.

Friday 25th October

No sign of the little lady she took the brats to school but she hasn’t returned. 3 hours pass, still no sign of her. Rusty has seemed to of found a way out of the kitchen, the little mutt I hate him and I’m defenceless against him. 2 hours pass, Rusty has soiled me, I think I need some alone time to cry.

19:00 hours Oh so we are home now, bet your wondering what that smell is, well it’s me I’ve been peed on. Dirty buggers just left me, and went on with playing happy families.
Well all I can say is screw you all.

Saturday 26th October

She has taken notice and decided to clean me and the carpet by hand. Thanks, I would say but I think that it’s a little too late in the day isn’t it. Anyway she cleans me up and then ditches me for another day she decides to take the little brats out for the day.

1 hour passes, what’s this Mr Wilson is attempting to clean, ha this should be funny, I’m going to enjoy this, no wait he’s coming over by me, wait he’s a rookie he hasn’t got the credentials to be using a high class Vacuum like me. No, won’t nobody stop this madness. Damn you, damn you all to hell.

Another hour passes. I feel like what those little boys must of felt like after spending a night at the Neverland Ranch with Michael Jackson. Lets just say Mr Wilson doesn’t have a woman’s touch, even Jack the Ripper would of been gentler than Mr Wilson.
At least Mr Wilson knows when I need alone time, as I depart to my hideaway that I call under the stairs.

Sunday 27th October

Ahh time to catch up on some extra zee’s. Suddenly the door swung open, what’s this, you want to clean on his Holiness’s day of rest well I have only two words for you bitch.
“SCREW YOU.” And with that I had cleaned my last carpet, and I was heading to that little dust cloud in the sky they all call Hoover heaven.

Don’t cry for me I have enjoyed my days of cleaning up crap day in day out. I just want to leave you with this in mind. Respect your Hoover, don’t think you can turn your back on him, if your love is true, then he will clean, clean and clean for you.

Jay Edger the Hoover
Last edited by a moderator:


Senior Member
sorry, c-dub, but there are so many mistakes in spelling, grammar, punctuation and so on, that i just couldn't force myself to read beyond the first few sentences... i understand the writer is supposed to be a vacuum cleaner and not a human, but surely it could have sucked up at least the basics of good writing, right? ;-)

love and hugs, maia


Senior Member
Well, I can't really disagree w/Mamma (one does so at personal risk ;)). The grammarian side really needs attention.

Unlike Mamma, I did get through the entire thing and found it charming and offbeat. An interesting take on an inanimate object. That may just be a bias on my part as I used to repair vacuums (including Hoovers) for a living.

If you want to add a real air of authenticity have ol' Jay Edgar suck up a few nails, paper clips and sheet rock dust. He could certainly make it to Hoover heaven by sucking a sock into the fan assembly and burning his little motor out. In two years of repairing vacs I was astonished at the things people used them for.

Nice try, clean up the language and syntax but I like the premise.

C Welton Jr

I must admit, very silly mistakes on this one. but I was half asleep writing it. and it isnt a bad effort for about half an hours work. promise next time my grammer and spelling will be spot on. sorry for the mistakes.