Writing Forums

Writing Forums is a privately-owned, community managed writing environment. We provide an unlimited opportunity for writers and poets of all abilities, to share their work and communicate with other writers and creative artists. We offer an experience that is safe, welcoming and friendly, regardless of your level of participation, knowledge or skill. There are several opportunities for writers to exchange tips, engage in discussions about techniques, and grow in your craft. You can also participate in forum competitions that are exciting and helpful in building your skill level. There's so much more for you to explore!

last summer (1 Viewer)

Sunrise

Senior Member

hello WF members ,how are you?
there is an old story , i wrote but i didn't complete it
i need
your critique to complete it or not.
it's called last summer


Inthe late summer of 2002 .We were planning to spend Summer Vacation atDifferent Place Apart From the Ex- place in last Year. My Family AndI Wanted To Have Some Fun. Although I Was Very Excited About ThisVacation, I Didn't Know Why Did I Feel That Something Wasn't Alright." Where Are We Going to This Year?" I Asked With SmileUpon My Face. " I Don't Know Where, Do You Want To Go Anywhere?" She Notified Me With Fear I Could Feel From Her Saying . SheWas Trying Her Best To Hide It ."Ummh ..... Can We Go ToAlexandria in this Year?" I Asked As I Whispered her . " IDon't Know Right Now , I'm Going to ask your Dad About That Okay ?"She Asked As If She Was fighting someone . "Okay But What'sWrong With you Mom?" I Was Worried About Her . She Was Sohesitated to reply on me but she replied "Nothing , I'm in Lackof Sleeping ,I'm So tired ". I Didn't believe Her either "AreYou Sure ??" I Questioned Her . " yes I’m sure "sheacted as if she was okay "When are We Going to there?" Icontinued asking her "I Don't Know Discuss it with Your Dad ""Is There Anything I don't Know About ?" " No, There'sNothing to say as I Told you ". " Is It The Truth ??? CauseI Feel that You're afraid of something ,i can see it in your eyes youseem so lost " " Yes, Stop Asking these Questions Okay?"She shouted at me " Okay ,mom I'm Sorry to bother you" . "I'm Not afraid sweetie ,Just Tired ,So I Don't seem Aware ". "soyou can't focus on my words". "yes ,exactly Sara ,you getit ". I became Furious and Wished to leave her, She Kissed me onmy forehead "I have to go now". "where are you Goingto ?" she asked me "i'm going to my room, Can I Go ?""Yes You Can". she replied ,
shemade me upset ,I Didn't want to do anything, she Made Me Feel thatthere's nothing in life could bring me joy and happiness, I couldn'tdo anything . I left Her room , I Didn't want To go to my room ,so Iwent to balcony, I looked in the sky ,It Was pure and I Saw The SunWas Raising ,It Was as Circled With Bright Golden Colour . It Was SoShining , I Sighed But My Feelings ,That I Was depressed Hadn't gone. So I couldn't Enjoy The View ,It Failed to interest me. So I Forgotit Or Couldn't Care About it At All. All I Did Was Staring in The Sky, My Mind Had taken me Far to the Mixed up Memories between Joy andtears as I can describe right now .But What Could I remember RightNow Is My Dream , I can't say It Was good or Bad but I Can Say It'slike An adventure to me. My Memories Started to comeback to my headAgain Strongly.
IRemembered While I had been ready to go to bed and start sleeping. IHad Been Sad Because Of Fights , I had Fought With My Friends overThe Internet . all the night , I couldn't remember How Had the fightBeen or What had I been arguing about? , I had been angry; I couldn’thave slept for 3 Hours. Then I had remembered Alex City and sea whichits color is blue until I had fallen asleep. I had a nightmare thatI'd asked My Mom "Can I ask you something?" She had been onher bed laying down but not sleeping and I had been standing upbeside her room Door then she replied "Yes but I Should KnowWhat is it First, Right?" "Right mom, I want to go to themall, Can You Come with me?” I'd Asked "I Can't Say Yes or noUntil I Think Deeply About it." she had made me confuse, I hadfrowned "When Am I going to know About Your decision?""Don’t be upset, I’ll do my Best and call on you later toknow my decision.” she tried to please me. “Can I Go To My RoomNow?" I Requested. "Yes You Can" she smiled. All OfThat I had left her alone; I had gone to my room. I had laid down onthe bed then I'd started to Feel bored ,I'd tried to Ignore Thisfeeling ,Stay Awake and Bear all of That more, more and more...........but I couldn't have held on for long time , I'dsurrendered to the sleeping, but I can't remember how long time had Islept and can't count too. I couldn't remember If I Had dreamt ornot, but I could remember that I had Gotten up Scared , I couldn'thave breathed well ,my heart was beating a lot ,a lot and a lot andquickly, it hadn't stopped beating strongly "what's wrong withme?, why’s my heart beating like this ?" my mind thought. Ihad checked the clock it'd been 5:00pm, "oh, my god " I hadsurprised and I had started to remember my mom's promise. I’d beenbored waiting her reply again, but I’d worried why had I felt likethere’d been something wrong, I couldn't have known.
Ireturned back to my awareness for a while, The Sun Had set and thenight started to come slowly, I didn't know what I should do??? Tosmile or to be sad, laughing or crying but it’d been my fate evenI’d not accepted it, I couldn't know what the decision was aboutsummer vacation.
It’sunfair to wait for something or be related to it, it’s verypainful, I can never bear all of that, anymore “I’d back to mynightmare with wondering .it’d been hard on me .I couldn't havewaiting anymore. So I became very angry and furious, I would breaksomething. But I didn't because I had mp3 on hand, I started to checkits play list there were a lot of new songs on it I’ve neverbefore. So I listened to song called tell him by Celine Dion. It wasvery beautiful. I couldn’t stop listening to it more, more and moretimes. It made me very happy but the mp3 battery was empty, so itturned off.
Butmy legs had hurt me. So I went to the living room and sat on sofa. Mynightmare hadn’t left my mind, so I started to look at TV screenthat was turned off .then I came back starring at it to remember thelast details of my nightmare. I started to feel bothering. So I cutmy memory chain and looked at the clock, it was 7:05 pm. I fought mymind to stop remembering my memories, but they were running likeriver. River of troubles, I was in. I didn’t stop crying after Ihad it and everyone around me was going like “what’s wrong orwhat’s the matter?” I’d remembered that I’d started to tellmy mother about my nightmare from the start that I’d asked her totake me to the mall.
 
Last edited:

Theglasshouse

WF Veterans
I wish the subject had resonated a bit more. I'd like to see a new internet story for example I can imagine the links: we were one big happy family in the internet and could never get along. One day I had an accident and it surprised me that the internet is a black and white monster that never goes away.

Just my own voice, but it's veiled with the person trying to interpret what I said, which is less direct than directly narrating this.
 

Sunrise

Senior Member
I wish the subject had resonated a bit more. I'd like to see a new internet story for example I can imagine the links: we were one big happy family in the internet and could never get along. One day I had an accident and it surprised me that the internet is a black and white monster that never goes away.

Just my own voice, but it's veiled with the person trying to interpret what I said, which is less direct than directly narrating this.
thank you for being honest.
 

Crossfire

Member
Well, I definitely see you're trying to convey a lot of emotion here, and that is a nice touch. On the other hand, there's a lot of "passive voice" in this piece (i.e. "she had been"), and that can dampen the emotional impact. If you put more immediacy into the language ("I flopped down on the bed and sighed..."), it might work out a little better.

I am a bit confused as to why the topic of where to go on summer vacation is provoking this level of anxiety in the main character. Could you maybe add something in to explain the reason? The story seems a bit mundane so far. I hope you have some surprises up your sleeve to spice it up later. Otherwise, I'm not sure I'd spend more of your creative energy on this piece.
 

Sunrise

Senior Member
Well, I definitely see you're trying to convey a lot of emotion here, and that is a nice touch. On the other hand, there's a lot of "passive voice" in this piece (i.e. "she had been"), and that can dampen the emotional impact. If you put more immediacy into the language ("I flopped down on the bed and sighed..."), it might work out a little better.

I am a bit confused as to why the topic of where to go on summer vacation is provoking this level of anxiety in the main character. Could you maybe add something in to explain the reason? The story seems a bit mundane so far. I hope you have some surprises up your sleeve to spice it up later. Otherwise, I'm not sure I'd spend more of your creative energy on this piece.
Thank you for being honest
 

Sunrise

Senior Member
[FONT=Liberation Serif, serif]Chapter 1 part 1

Inthe late summer of 2002 .We were planning to spend Summer Vacation atsomewhere I didn't even know
[/FONT]
[FONT=Liberation Serif, serif]Iwas happy andicouldn't help but smile in our way to there[/FONT]
[FONT=Liberation Serif, serif]Ikept my eyes rolling everywhere ,i didn't want missing any singledetail[/FONT]
[FONT=Liberation Serif, serif]Iremembered when mom came to my room saying couple of days ago[/FONT]
[FONT=Liberation Serif, serif]"surprise”[/FONT]
[FONT=Liberation Serif, serif]Iwas so excisedto learn about[/FONT]
[FONT=Liberation Serif, serif]"whata surprise? “[/FONT]
[FONT=Liberation Serif, serif]"sweety,you need a little guess?”[/FONT]
[FONT=Liberation Serif, serif]"hmmmm.....give me hint my beloved”[/FONT]
[FONT=Liberation Serif, serif]"nohints ,but look which season are we in?”[/FONT]
[FONT=Liberation Serif, serif]"isit linked to surprise?”[/FONT]
[FONT=Liberation Serif, serif]"ahm …. exactly “[/FONT]
[FONT=Liberation Serif, serif]"weare in the summer right?”[/FONT]
[FONT=Liberation Serif, serif]"looksyou 're about to get it”[/FONT]
[FONT=Liberation Serif, serif]"Igot it ,it's summer vacation”[/FONT]
[FONT=Liberation Serif, serif]"rightand go forward”[/FONT]
[FONT=Liberation Serif, serif]"we'llspend summer vacation in some where”[/FONT]
[FONT=Liberation Serif, serif]"youlike and this is the real surprise”[/FONT]
[FONT=Liberation Serif, serif]"arewe gonna travel to somewhere?'”[/FONT]
[FONT=Liberation Serif, serif]"yeahsure”[/FONT]
[FONT=Liberation Serif, serif]"besidethe sea”[/FONT]
[FONT=Liberation Serif, serif]"yes,that's enough for you now”[/FONT]
[FONT=Liberation Serif, serif]"oh,yeah”[/FONT]
[FONT=Liberation Serif, serif]momsaid” be ready'[/FONT]
[FONT=Liberation Serif, serif]"goset your stuff”[/FONT]
[FONT=Liberation Serif, serif]everysingle piece of wants to dance and has some fun[/FONT]
[FONT=Liberation Serif, serif]whichthe wonderful breeze I wish it can be sold somewhere[/FONT]
[FONT=Liberation Serif, serif]I’llbe the first one to buy it.[/FONT]
[FONT=Liberation Serif, serif]Itmakes my hair swing up down right to left[/FONT]
[FONT=Liberation Serif, serif]thelong hair I have, I'm proud of[/FONT]
[FONT=Liberation Serif, serif]softbrown
i enjoyed the whole situation.
[/FONT]
 

Sunrise

Senior Member
Chapter 1 Part 2
we traveled by our car ,we wanted to be free now traffic or anything that bothers people
it was 6:00 am when we started to go i looked at the sky ,i watched the sun while it was rising
such a beautiful scene
"oh god" I Sighed
Was as Circled With Bright Golden Colour . It Was So Shining , my heart thanked god after
i turned on my iPod listening to any song related ,i found one called a new day has come by celine dion they all made a wonderful world to mine to forget or hit my bad memories over but they didn't work without resistance ,i kept trying ,trying until my tears was on my face, i was screaming inside me only, everything suddenly stopped ,mother started to notice by mirror, i know she would ask "what 's going on?" blaming on me but
kept her silence .
and finally we were reached our destiny ,suddenly when we left the car ,mom hugged me to assure me that everything would be great and she by my side forever to fight to win my inner game ,they were just memories and never stay anymore.
i kissed her on forehead ,she toke my hand closing my eyes with her hand
"are you ready ?321 go" she removed her hand "omg " i sighed
 

Pandora

Honoured/Sadly Missed
Sunrise, this is beautiful, the moment captured. You have hooked me for more about the surprise destination. I hope you will share more. I am a mother of two grown up children and this brought some tears. We surprised them with many a trip. Stealing away in the middle of the night from a snow cold grey home to journey to a sunny green beautiful south. One time they awoke in the back of the minivan to say "Oh! . . . it looks just like OZ" as in The Wizard of OZ and by golly it did! Memories and moments sparked by your delightful read, good memories, thank God for good memories. Well done Sunrise and thank you!
 

J Anfinson

Retired Supervisor
Chapter 1 part 1

Inthe late summer of 2002 .
we were planning to spend Summer Vacation atsomewhere I didn't even know
Iwas happy andicouldn't help but smile in our way to there
Ikept my eyes rolling everywhere ,i didn't want missing didn't want to miss any singledetail
Iremembered when mom came to my room saying couple of days ago
"surprise”
Iwas so excised excited to learn about
"what a surprise? “
"sweety,you need a little guess?”
"hmmmm.....give me hint my beloved”
"nohints ,but look, <--comma which season are we in?”
"isit linked to surprise?” No idea what this means.
"ahm …. exactly “
"weare in the summer right?”
"looks like you 're about to get it”
"Igot it ,it's summer vacation”
"rightand go forward” Right. Keep going.
"we'llspend summer vacation in some where somewhere new.
"youlike and this is the real surprise” Not sure what this means.
"arewe gonna travel to somewhere?'”
"yeahsure”
"besidethe sea”
"yes,that's enough for you now”
"oh,yeah”
momsaid” be ready'
"goset your stuff”
everysingle piece of me wants to dance and has have some "some" is often a pointless word that can be taken out. fun
whichthe wonderful breeze I wish it can be sold somewhere
I’llbe the first one to buy it.
Itmakes my hair swing up down right to left
thelong hair I have, I'm proud of
softbrown
i enjoyed the whole situation.


Chapter 1 Part 2
we traveled by our car ,we wanted wanting to be free now of traffic or anything that bothers people
it was 6:00 am when we started to go
. <--period i looked at the sky ,i and watched the sun while it was rising. <--period
such a beautiful scene
. <--period
"Oh god, <--comma" I Sighed. <--period
Was as Circled With Bright Golden Colour . It Was So Shining , my heart thanked god <--needs reworded.Afteri turned on my iPod listening to any song related<--not sure what that means ,i found one called a new day has come by celine dion they all made a wonderful world to mine to forget or hit my bad memories over but they didn't work without resistance ,i kept trying ,trying until my tears was on my face, i was screaming inside me only, everything suddenly stopped ,mother started to notice by mirror, i know she would ask "what 's going on?" blaming on me<-- blaming him for what? but
kept her silence .
and finally we were reached our destiny destination ,suddenly when we left the car ,mom hugged me to assure me that everything would be great and she by my side forever to fight to win my inner game ,they were just memories and never stay anymore.
i kissed her on forehead ,she toke
took my hand closing my eyes with her hand
"are you ready ?321 go" she removed her hand "omg
, <--comma" i sighed. <--period

First of all, it looks like you're pasting directly from Word, which the forum software doesn't like. Check out THIS thread to learn how to overcome that issue.

You started this out with an awful lot of I's. When learning to write in first person that's often an issue, but it doesn't have to be that way. Learn to vary your sentence structure and reword your sentences so that "I's" aren't required as often. I understand you're an ESL-- have you thought about joining the ESL Group yet? I do hope you know I'm not trying to be mean with my critique because I really do hope what I've said and recommended helps.
 

Sunrise

Senior Member




in the late summer of 2002 we were planning to spend Summer Vacation at somewhere didn't even know
I was happy and couldn't help but smile in our way to there

kept my eyes rolling everywhere , didn't want to miss any single detail
started to remember when mom came to my room saying couple of days ago
"surprise”
I was so excited to learn about
"what a surprise? “
"sweety,you need a little guess?”
"hmmmm.....give me hint my beloved”
"no hints ,but look, which season are we in?”
"is the song theme related to the surprise?”
"ahm …. exactly “
"weare in the summer right?”
"looks like you 're about to get it”
"Igot it ,it's summer vacation”
"right,Keep going”
"we'll spend summer vacation in somewhere new.”
"yes ,sure but you'll like it ”
"arewe gonna travel to somewhere?'”
"yeahsure”
"besidethe sea”
"yes,that's enough for you now”
"oh,yeah”
mom said” be ready'
"go ,set your stuff”
every single piece of me wants to dance and has have out. fun
which the wonderful breeze I wish it can be sold somewhere
I’llbe the first one to buy it.
Itmakes my hair swing up down right to left
thelong hair I have, I'm proud of
softbrown
i enjoyed the whole situation.


Chapter 1 Part 2
​we traveled by our car ,we were wanting to be free now of traffic or anything that bothers people
it was 6:00 am when we started to go. i looked at the sky ,i and watched the sun while it was rising.
such a beautiful scene.
"Oh god, " I Sighed.
it was sunny day ,shining sun with off white golden covering color to the universe
sun's heat reflected to the sea like couples dancing together in moonlight
"wow, such a magical moment "mom sighed.

,i found one called a new day has come by celine dion they all made a wonderful world to mine to forget or hit my bad memories over but they didn't work without resistance ,i kept trying ,trying until my tears was on my face, i was screaming inside me only, everything suddenly stopped ,mother started to notice by mirror, i know she would ask "what 's going on?" not to resist the attack of the memories but kept her silence .
and finally we were reached our destination ,suddenly when we left the car ,mom hugged me to assure me that everything would be great and she by my side forever to fight to win my inner game ,they were just memories and never stay anymore.
i kissed her on forehead ,she took my hand closing my eyes with her hand
"are you ready ?321 go" she removed her hand "omg, " i sighed.
 
Top