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Last Chance Saloon (1 Viewer)

Last Chance Saloon,
Is this my last chance..
I'm in limbo..


half way there yet still so far..
I have no idea what I'm doing, life's pulling me in all directions..


I don't want to hurt her but life's to short to stand still..
I haven't hit the panicles I plan to reach..


Any day could be my last why not live it as that..
life is exciting and spontaneous..
She drives me crazy and the other drives me crazy..
only I understand..
twist and go.
 

2020Syd2020

Senior Member
Hello,

I appreciate the sentiment and the emotion of the piece, I think readers can buy into and relate to the emotion that comes behind this piece.

That being said, I don’t this reads as anything other than a series of unconnected statements. That’s not to say that the conceit of the piece isn’t one that can be expanded upon but it’s the flow and the actual poetic urgency that needs to be developed. Moreover; you need to show me what you’re feeling rather than bluntly state it, in poetry it can allude to it, give the reader something to work at before the meaning becomes clear.

Hope this helps. Looking forward to where you go with this,

Cheers

Syd
 

Darkkin

WF Veterans
I get the sentiment, but it is not overly interesting. It struggles with being generic and very biege as far as creativity goes. Blank statements like this really have no voice or identity as far as style goes. Is it functional, yes. But that is about as far it gets, and with poetry, unfortunately readers expect a little something more. The connect the content to the title with hints of desperation, things specific to the narrator, glimpses of a voice. Like the washed up gunfighter in the old films is there a chance at a moment of reckless redemption?

Also: Panicles is a loose branching cluster of flowers...Pinnacle, might be the word you are looking for...(Things like this are a 30 second edit on google. Every word matters in poetry, so things like this stick out like a sore thumb.) Take a hard look at the theme and illustrate e.g. idiosyncrasies that drive the narrator nuts, and why the narrator is wild about her. Find the essence of the piece, not just a bald statement.
 
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