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Lament for The Dead. (3 pages) (1 Viewer)


Senior Member
This is my first time posting a script here, normally I only help others now is there time for revenge I guess...
This is my Vampire movie script and I am at a loss, if someone could tell me how good the dialogue/storyline is etc.
Any amount of advice would be greatly appreciated.


Towering windows surround a throne with a long aisle leading to it.
Between the windows hang long still veils.

Suddenly the candles burn brighter and the veils move as if forced by a strong wind.

A single crow is seen flying up the aisle and landing on the back of the chair.
It calls and flock of crows fly into the throne.

The crows disappear with a bang and moonlight hits the throne.
The candles explode into towering pillars of flame and an ordinary looking man sits on the throne.

A millennia has passed…

Yes. 100 years of planning your entrance…

A man is seen walking up the aisle, his black suit of armour reflecting patterns of violet. He does not wear his helmet.

Aldwyn walks to the foot of the throne and unsheathes his sword, to kneel on one knee leaning on the sword.


In the immortal flesh…

As Aldwyn stands there are after images of where he was before.

So to speak.

Unfortunately my mortal body could not keep up with me.
We are not all as fortunate as you are Master.

Where are the others?

Here and there…

Aldwyn sheathes his sword.

Unfortunately after your imprisonment.
We could not carry on as ordered, some turned to their
Mortal forms and carried on as such.
Or continued to serve, powerless.

Aldwyn begins to pace back and forth, leaving the after images in his wake.

The child, who imprisoned you, somehow removed their powers.
Sealing them to this plane…
As I am now…

Aldwyn stops to face his master with a bow.

Not the powerful beings we once were, but mere objects
Of nightmares and imagination.

Arronax stands; as he does a small group of crows attempt to catch up with him. A single crow stands on his shoulder.
He walks to the beginning of the aisle.

Lamia is being kept in a village temple I know of.
As a sign of goods triumph over evil… Sickening

We will make things right.

The crow flies over to Aldwyn and with a flash of violet light and Aldwyn is solid.
(His footsteps will make sounds…)
The crow reappears on Arronax’ shoulder.

Let us reclaim our empire.

Arronax walks to the end of the aisle disappearing into a scattering flock of crows.

Aldwyn unsheathes his sword and holds the hilt, the point hitting the ground.
He bows his head and fades.
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Senior Member
sorry, af, but you need to learn proper screenplay format, first and foremost... i can't help you with the content, if there's any violence, which i'm assuming there will be in a vampire flick... but if you want help learning how to write a real screenplay, feel free to email me for a format guide and info on the basics... and help, if you have anything violence-free...

love and hugs, maia
[email protected]


Senior Member
a lament for the living, huh? :-(

you can still email me for a format guide, if you want... that wouldn't be helping you directly with the violent stuff... m


Senior Member
To me, violence is something the human race picked up when it gained.. Oh what's t called... Free will, conscious thought? Evolved or something.
It is human nature, not the prettiest side of it but we are now wthout the innocence we once had. Some people are morons, I guess.

As the only species that preys even on it's self. Even the most gentle of us all have to deal with violence. In Ghandis dying moments, he proved how evil so many of us realy are.

Not with words, but with prayer wasn't it?
The same would happen to Martin Luther King all who wish to change the world should not be doomed to the same fate.
To be preyed on by a coward.

So Maia, I agree, violence sucks.

This film script is fiction, but I hope I don't encourage people to go on mass genocides while biting peoples necks!


Senior Member
I like how you used the crows...however, it reminded me too much of the movie "The Crow Ciy of Angels." You may want to be careful you don't do a rerun of how the movie used them.

The dialog seemed unatural. Some parts it was articulate and in other places it was just like two "normal" people talking about their day. My suggestion would be to go through and read aloud what the characters are saying and try to figure out what their VOICE is going to be throughout the story and be very attentive to keeping that voice solid through the work.



Senior Member
Thank you TS! Briliant advice. I was actually trying to avoid The Crow even though I havn't seen it...

I'm trying to get away from that annoying cliche of Bats. Ravens are almost as bad. Magpies would be just stupid and would freak alot of Irish and scottish people out! (admit it. We're strange...) and the use of insects would ruin the character. Any suggestions?