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Kingdom Come (1 Viewer)

BabyGizmo

Senior Member
This is just a small part of the novel I am writing. Or should I say, attempting to write. Please remember this is not the beginning, nor the end.
Please be brutal. I know this isn't my best writing, but its only the start.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Deirdre took those final hesitant steps into her parents’ tomb. The air was still and cold. Her heart was heavy with the need for revenge. The woman who was set to marry her brother had taken a life far too precious to the kingdom, and only Deirdre knew the truth. No one suspected the queen-to-be of poisoning the mother of her betrothed. But with the acting queen out of the way, Dimitri would be forced to move up the wedding in order to keep the throne.

Deirdre had overheard Emely talking to her handmaiden about killing Dimitri as well. She would have to wait until after she won the hearts of the kingdom and given the king a son, but she planned on taking this kingdom for herself and ruining all the hard work the Callaghan family had put into the kingdom.

Deirdre knelt at her mother’s crypt. She hung her head until her face was covered with hair. The hair her mother would sit and brush every night because in Queen Sarra’s eyes; a mother should brush her child’s hair before bed to ensure wonderful bright dreams.

“Mother,” she whispered into the dark. “What am I to do now? Dimitri will not listen to me. The council thinks I want the crown for myself. That witch knows I know what she did. She gives me that devilish grin every time we pass. Mother..”

“Princess?” a faint voice came through the cold dusty air.

“Corrien, my sweet cousin. Will you come pray with me?” The princess didn’t move at the sound of her young cousin coming in. Beloth was hiding in watch for anyone trying to hurt the princess. The wolf always ready to defend her master. Corrien, without another word, went and sat by her cousin and best friend. Hand and hand the two recited their family prayer over the fallen queen followed by a moment of silence in respect to all the fallen members for the kingdom.

Beloth sent Deirdre another warning. Only this time Beloth didn’t recognize the man approaching and begged for the two to hide. Without a word Princess Deirdre took her cousins hand and pulled her behind the statue of her father. In one swift movement, the princess had her bow out and an arrow nocked. She double checked that all three of them were out of sight and gave the string one last good pull. A shadow began to make its way into the doorway and come to a stop.

The stranger just sat there in the doorway looking at the freshly made crypt. It seemed to grow even quieter as time went on. Then the man began to whistle a soft melody. A melody that the princess knew instantly. It was the song that the minstrels of Ironcast would play at every meal. Deirdre relaxed her bow and let out a sigh of relief.

“King Aaron, you must have a death wish,” She said stepping from the shadows, her cousin in tow.

“Princess, my future daughter-in-law, if it was your arrow that struck me down, it would be an honorable death.” He lightly kissed her on the cheek. “And who is this young beauty?”

“Lady Corrine Callaghan, Your Grace. Lord Landers’ daughter and my cousin.”

“Well met Lady Corrine. I am King Aaron Deleon of Ironcast.” The king made an over the top bow to the young lady.

“Well met Your Grace,” Corrine said in a small voice as she curtsied.

“Be thankful Your Grace, Corrine normally doesn’t speak to strangers, even in my company.” The king took both girls by the hands and led them from the tombs towards the tea room. Beloth followed at a distance to keep an eye on her master. “I was not told of your arrival, Your Grace.”

“I told no one of my trip. I showed up only moments before coming to find you. The High Priest met me at the gate; I am assuming spotters saw me coming. He told me where I could find you. The moment the owl came with the news about your mother, I left on our fastest horse. Sarra was a very good friend to my queen and me. I had to come see that her children were alright.” They made their way to the grand hall where they met up with King Dimitri.

“Good to see you King Aaron.” Dimitri clasped forearms with Aaron as they began to walk. “You know, most people send warning before randomly showing up in the kingdom.”

“I have never shown warning to your parents; I will not start with you.” The two kings laughed as they entered a large room with two very small tables made of the finest iron work. The iron rods expertly bent and twisted to look like tree branches up to the solid stone tops. A wedding gift from the Kingdom of Ironcast to Deirdre and Dimitri’s parents. Dark, heavy, curtains hung on every wall, keeping the room warm and dim. Deirdre spent a lot of time in this room reading books that her uncle would write, many, he wrote just for her.

The group talking about King Berengier and Queen Sarra, of how they became friends. King Aaron told the children of how their parents had the most extravagant wedding the 5 Kingdoms had seen in over a thousand years. He told of the food and the dancing and just how in love the two were. The three sat and listened like small children and soaked up every word the king had to say. As the time grew later, King Aaron remembered an important detail of his trip.

“Princess, I had almost forgotten. I have a letter from my son. He told me it is very important that I give it to you upon my arrival, but it must have escaped my old mind.” He pulled a sealed letter from his extravagant coat pocket and handed it to Deirdre. She couldn’t have opened it faster at the hopes of good news from her betrothed.

“Prince Leon will be here before nightfall!” She jumped up nearly knocking over the table.

“Did you really think I would come without him?” The king laughed.

“May I be excused, Your Grace? I would like to be better dressed to welcome my future king.” He nodded as Princess Deirdre, Lady Corrine, and Beloth practically ran out of the room. The two kings laughed at the girls and began their talk of the kingdoms.




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Edit: I have fixed more as I promised!
 
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stormageddon

Senior Member
Well, I can't say whether or not it's your best writing, but I can say it's very good ;)

Don't be disconcerted if I've pointed out a lot of things; it's merely a reflection of my enjoying your story, and wanting to help you improve wherever you can. And don't be afraid to ask follow up questions on what I say, if you want to clarify anything.

You've asked for brutality, but it's not something I can offer you v.v I'm going to point out the most significant areas you could work on, and the odd minor detail.

Typo: in the first sentence, "parent's" should be "parents' ".

I stumbled here:
The woman who was set to marry her brother had taken a life way to precious to the kingdom.
I could just be having a brain-fart, but I can't quite decide what that sentence meant. Make certain your wording allows for clarity, though in this instance, I can see my confusion might stem from a simple typo. If so, "way too precious" feels a little contemporary for the tone you're trying to set, so careful there, too.

I've noticed that throughout this, you have a little trouble with your grammar. Take, for example, this:
Deirdre had overheard Emely talk to her hand maiden about killing Dimitri too.
"talk" would be better as "talking".

There are quite a few examples of slightly misused words and slightly off tenses, and much as I'd like to help you, I'm no grammarist. I suggest you do some googling into proper conjugations - it'll be dull to learn, I'm afraid, but it's an essential skill. To me, that seemed the main issue with your writing, and once you have that fixed, you will have just about reached the joyful stage of endless refining. If you want me to go through your grammar in more depth, I'll be checking back here, so just say the word - I can't explain the rules, but I can usually tell what's right and wrong.

I think you could find a friend in commas. If you were reading this piece to a group of people you were trying to impress with your mad speaking skills, where would you take a breath, or insert a slight pause for effect? That's probably where your commas should be. They're tricky to get a handle on, and you're nearly there, but there were a few places where their insertion would have improved the flow of this piece. Example (fixed two typos):
In one swift movement, the princess had her bow out and an arrow nocked.
Do you see how that improves the flow? (if you don't, that's fine!)

I could go on, but I don't want to overwhelm you by saying more than you can take in in one go. I'm not just being nice when I say that this is good work. The main thing you need to work on, as I said, is your grammar, and it isn't as hard as one might expect.

Good writing is all a matter of perseverance, something I imagine you have discovered already. If you are hungry to improve, and you are willing to work for it, you will be brilliant; that's true for any writer. So, don't be disheartened by the imperfections in your prose - this is just another step on your journey to awesomeness ;)
 

BabyGizmo

Senior Member
Thank you so much! I have fixed the points you had mentioned as well as another one I saw. I have wonderful grammar in the speaking sense. I am, however, horrible about using the correct words in the more difficult places. And my poor tenses suffer a great deal, as well as my commas. My whole reasoning for posting anything online is due to the fact that I cannot edit to save my life. I would have caught the typos (once I printed it out and read over a thousand times) but I do not have access to a printer at the moment so my editing takes a major toll.

If you want. Attack away. Poke as many holes into this as you want. I welcome the hole poking.

I stumbled here:

The woman who was set to marry her brother had taken a life way to precious to the kingdom.


I could just be having a brain-fart, but I can't quite decide what that sentence meant. Make certain your wording allows for clarity, though in this instance, I can see my confusion might stem from a simple typo. If so, "way too precious" feels a little contemporary for the tone you're trying to set, so careful there, too.



As for this. I am really not sure how to go about it. It sounded cooler in my head. Now I am not so sure.
 
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Smith

The Fox
Senior Member
The story reminded me a lot of a series I read not too long ago called Rangers Apprentice. Very entertaining stuff for me.

I liked it, and would love to see more. I enjoy getting lost in a brand new, hand-crafted world. Afraid I can't really point out anything in particular that's wrong, other than what stormageddon did. Maybe it's because I like the genre you chose too much. :p
 

BabyGizmo

Senior Member
The story reminded me a lot of a series I read not too long ago called Rangers Apprentice. Very entertaining stuff for me.

I liked it, and would love to see more. I enjoy getting lost in a brand new, hand-crafted world. Afraid I can't really point out anything in particular that's wrong, other than what stormageddon did. Maybe it's because I like the genre you chose too much. :p


See, when my boyfriend read over my note and scribbles (as he likes to do when I am asleep because I hate when people go through my notebook) he thought it sounded like Game of Thrones stuff.
I do know its in need of a good editing. Grammar and what have you.

Thank you for reading it! I am glad you liked it!
 

J.T. Chris

WF Veterans
Without having read any other installments to this, I found it very easy to get into. You have a good knack for balancing exposition with action. I didn't find myself too confused about any plot details or back story. I do wish I could see your world a little more. Of course, we're only in a tomb, but then, I'm not sure where we go after that. The characters move from a dank, dismal tomb, but then quickly to the tea room--without any in-between. For the most part, I wasn't quite sure about the relationship between the characters' bodies and their environment. I think you can spend some more time fleshing out the scene setting and the world these characters inhabit. I'm not saying write paragraphs of blanket description, but rather, some semblance of how these characters interact within the world.

Also, I wondered about the purpose of this scene outside of moving the plot forward. I think you have a good opportunity for Deirdre and Corrien to share a human moment with one another. The praying is good, but it's broken up quickly by King Zander. Also, you mention Beloth, who I'm assuming is Deirdre's bodyguard, yet he disappears from this scene entirely. You also jump pretty quickly from the tomb to the tea room and summarize the conversation between King Zander and Deirdre. I would think this a perfect opportunity for character development. Also, why would he forget the entire reason he came there to begin with, to deliver the letter? That struck me as odd.

I'm assuming this is a novel? If so, you have ample space to write and develop scenes. I don't think you need to worry about rushing your story so much. Let your characters live in the world, interact with each other, develop. Perhaps, as an idea, you can construct some sort of conflict for this scene to breathe life into it.

Again, these are comments coming from someone who hasn't read any other installments before, so if whatever I said doesn't help out, feel free to ignore it. Otherwise, I think this was well-written and I'm interested in your characters and what's at stake for them.

SPAG below:

She took those final hesitant steps into her parents' tomb. Her heart was heavy with the need for revenge. The woman who was set to marry her brother had taken a life way too precious to the kingdom.


She knelt at her mother’s crypt. She hung her head until her face was covered with hair. The hair her mother would sit and brush every night because in Queen Sarra’s eyes; a mother should brush her child’s hair before bed to ensure wonderful bright dreams.

“My sweet cousin. Corrien, will you come pray with me?” The princess didn't move at the sound of her young cousin coming in. Beloth was hiding in watch for anyone trying to hurt the princess, the wolf always ready to defend her master.

Moments after finishing, Beloth sent Deirdre another warning. Only this time Beloth didn't recognize the man approaching and begged for the two to hide. Without a word Princess DD took her cousin's hand and pulled her behind the statue of her father.


“Be thankful, Your Grace, Corrine normally doesn't speak to strangers, even in my company.” The king took both girls by the hands and led them from the tombs. “I was not told of your arrival, Your Grace.”
 

BabyGizmo

Senior Member
I thank you so much J.T. for your words of criticism. It is just a random scene in my book. Well, its all I have written of my book. Its all that came to my mind. I have about 300 pages worth of scribbles and notes and what have you. Just not real writing. I do agree that the time between the tombs and the tea room has way to much dead space and not enough detail. I'll re-write that section tomorrow and see if I cant get a little more out of it.

I guess I should explain some things to help everyone kinda grasp what is going on.

Beloth is a wolf. Her and Princess Deirdre can communicate telepathically. The only people that know she can do that is Corrine and her father Lord Lander.

King Berengier was killed while Deirdre's mother was pregnant with her.
Queen Sarra was killed (right before this scene) by Deirdre's brothers (Dimitri) betrothed, Emely.
Deirdre knows Emely killed her mother.

King Zander cant to make sure the Callaghan kids were okay after their mothers untimely death. The letter from Prince Leon was just a little perk for Deirdre.
I hope this helps clear up some of your confusion.
I know it's confusing right now but bare with me.
 

J.T. Chris

WF Veterans
Well if this is all you have written of your book, I think it's a good starting point. The telepathy certainly explains the confusion about how Beloth warned Deirdre about King Zander's approach. You certainly have a lot of turmoil brewing here. But I think it's counter-productive for me to critique anything else at this point, since you're still discovering the story yourself. One thing I hope you don't mind me saying is that Lord Lander and King Zander might be a little confusing for a reader. It would certainly trip me up!

I look forward to seeing more of this.
 

InstituteMan

WF Veterans
I think that this is strong. The story sounds like something I would read. One thing which is more an observation than a suggestion is that in places the phrasing and sentence structure strikes me as closer to an informal personal essay than what I associate with fiction.

For example, you write "The woman who was set to marry her brother had taken a life way to precious to the kingdom. And only Deirdre knew the truth." That stray conjunction feels informal to me. The sentence(s) seems better to me as "The woman who was set to marry her brother had taken a life way to precious to the kingdom, and only Deirdre knew the truth."

That is very, very subjective, however. This is a good read, and probably should stay in your style instead of mine, but I did want to let you know what I saw and let you decide.
 

stormageddon

Senior Member
If you did mean "way too precious" there, you could say "far" instead of "way", though it might be best to just cut the sentence down to "The woman who was set to marry her brother had taken a life precious to the kingdom."


"Way too" as a phrase has a very modern feel to it, is all. If that isn't what you meant, what did you mean? I might be able to make some suggestions.


Alright, I'm going to correct your grammar by paragraph as best I can. Apologies if I miss anything.


P1: "No one suspected the queen-to-be to poison the mother of her betrothed." >> "No one suspected the queen-to-be of poisoning the mother of her betrothed."


P2: "She had to wait until after she won the hearts of the kingdom and given the king a son, but she planned on taking this kingdom for herself and ruin all the hard work the Callaghan family had put into the kingdom." >> "She would have to wait until after she had won the hearts of the kingdom and given the king a son, but she planned on taking this kingdom for herself and ruining all the hard work the Callaghan family had put into the kingdom."


P6: "Without a word Princess DD took her cousins hand" Deirdre? and cousin's.


P8: " “King Zander, you must have a death wish.” She said " >> "“King Zander, you must have a death wish,” she said " (if dialogue is tagged with "she said" etc, you continue the sentence. If narrative interrupts the dialogue without a tag, then you start a new one, and it would be punctuated as your original.)


P9: "if it was your arrow to strike me down," >> "if it was your arrow that struck me down,"


P12: " “Well met Your Grace.” Corrine said " >> " “Well met Your Grace,” Corrine said " (same rule as P8)


P14: "The moment the owl came of the news" with


P15: Typo: "The three set and listened" sat


P16: "He told me it is very important that I gave it to you upon my arrival," try to keep tense consistent >> "He told me it is very important that I give it to you upon my arrival,"


As a general note, it's better to write numbers in full than to use abbreviations.


It can be very difficult to see these things for yourself, if you haven't had much feedback before. One of the most important things this forum will teach you is editor's eyes. I've gone into detail on this with that in mind, but am unlikely to do so in future, because, as I say, grammar is not my strong point.


Once you've corrected all your grammar, I can take this critique on to the next stage, if you'd like (commas and improved phrasing). I'd view this as a learning exercise, rather than an attempt to achieve perfection with this piece - if you need time to digest what I've said so far, please take it. Most of what I'm saying can be applied to your overall writing, and I don't want to overwhelm you with new information, because it may slow your learning down.


And I'll leave it to others to point out the more interesting stuff :p
 

BabyGizmo

Senior Member
Thank you everyone who has commented. I have fixed most of the small easy fixes and intend to keep working on it. I will go refill my coffee and get back to work!
 

Sc0pe

Senior Member
After reading this I have to say this kind of story is right up my ally. I was a little thrown off when they was warned about someone coming but after reading though some of the comments you got I understand it better now. Because it was a snip bit I think the pace worked in it favor but I would have seen no harm done if you spent more time developing the charters. But i guess it worked just fine since I do have a good enough picture of them in my head from this little bit.

Just to let you know there is room more charter driven time.

Other than that I enjoyed it. like i said the pacing could have been a little slower mostly when they move from the dark tomb room to the large one but that can be simply done with a little more small talk from place A to B and a little foot note of the hall maybe.

But that's about it. It was a fun read and im sure it will come together nicely when it's complete.
 

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