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Kinda Heavy Play - Feedback Welcome (1 Viewer)

T

TrishaLyn

This is just 10 min format... any feedback is welcome. Thanks!

Animal

MELANIE, a 33 year old woman
CARL, a 37 year old man

(Setting: a blank space. There are no windows, no doors, just an empty stage. The only items in this space are a wooden chair, a five-gallon bucket of water, a phone on the floor in the background, CARL and MELANIE. She is a petit woman, wearing a new power suit. CARL is dressed in dirty coveralls with grease spots on them. There is a patch on his shirt with his name embroidered onto it. CARL is tied to the chair, passed out. MELANIE paces behind the chair nervously.)

MELANIE
(Quietly to herself.) You can do this, Melanie…he deserves it…no one will miss him…you won’t miss him, Mel… you’re better off without him…think of Jack…think of Myra…think of them…

(MELANIE stops pacing. She closes her eyes and walks over to the chair. She lifts the bucket with strain and dumps the cold water all over CARL, shocking him out of it.)

CARL
Who, what? What the hell? Where am I? (Looks around.) Melanie, oh thank God you’re here, untie me!

MELANIE
Why, Carl?

CARL
(Puzzled.) Why? What do you mean, why? The last thing I remember is being hit over the head on my way to the car after work. Someone kidnapped me and I don’t know how I got here or where here is…or how you got here but you’re my damn wife, Mel, untie me!

MELANIE
No.

CARL
NO? You better untie me right now! (CARL makes an extra effort to escape, but to no avail.)

MELANIE
So you can beat me again?

CARL
(Sighs.) Baby, I said I’m sorry for that. I promised it will never happen again, and it won’t.

MELANIE
You’ve said that a thousand times. (In a mocking tone) I’ll never do it again, I’m so sorry Mel, maybe if you listened to me the first time I wouldn’t have to hit you.

CARL
Mel…

MELANIE
No Carl, don’t you Mel me! (Pause.) How did Jack get those bruises on his arms?

CARL
He’s an active kid, Melanie. How am I supposed to know? Why don’t you ask his teacher?

MELANIE
I didn’t have to. He said you got mad at him for leaving his toys on the floor. He said you yelled and hit his arms with your belt because he wasn’t picking them up fast enough.

CARL
He’s lying. He didn’t learn to lie from me. He’s got an active imagination. (MELANIE closes her eyes and shakes her head.) Damn it Melanie, are you going to believe a five year old or me, your husband?

MELANIE
I believe my son. I taught him to always tell the truth.

CARL
Whatever Mel, I’m tired of playing this stupid game. Now untie me.

MELANIE
Here’s my problem, Carl. If I let you go, I can’t give you what you deserve.

CARL
What the hell are you talking about?

MELANIE
(Pause.) You have some things to explain.

CARL
I don’t need to explain anything to you.

MELANIE
Yes you do. That’s the only way I’ll untie you.

CARL
Fine. What?

MELANIE
Okay…what did you do to Myra? I want to hear it from you.
CARL
What are you talking about?

MELANIE
You know what I mean.

CARL
No, Melanie, I don’t, now what are you talking about?

MELANIE
When I was doing the laundry last week, I found dried blood in Myra’s panties. Got an explanation for me?

CARL
What? Maybe she started her period or something, I don’t know about girly things like that.

MELANIE
Carl, she’s seven! Seven year olds don’t have periods! Please just tell me what you did to her.

CARL
Baby, I never touched her. Now untie me.

MELANIE
You have the nerve to sit there and lie to my face?

CARL
Melanie, I swear I never touched Myra like that!

MELANIE
She said you did. She gave you up, Carl. I asked her about her panties and she said she fell from a tree. When I told her that you couldn’t get hurt that way from a tree, she told me that she wasn’t supposed to tell me how she got hurt. Not only did you rape her, but you also told her to lie!

CARL
I did not rape Myra. I didn’t touch her; she’s my daughter too. Maybe you haven’t been paying enough attention to the rednecks hanging around her school!

MELANIE
I can’t believe you’d try to blame this on me. I pay very close attention to MY daughter on the playground, and the only time I ever leave her alone other than school is when I leave her with you.

CARL
There’s no proof. Myra is a liar, just like Jack…Goddamn Mel you raised to little liars who tell lies about their own dad!

MELANIE
(Choking back tears) She said she screamed and cried for help, Carl!
CARL
If she screamed then where were you to save her?

MELANIE
The supermarket. The video store. All those measly fucking errands you love sending me on. And with Jack in the house, what the fuck is wrong with you?

CARL
I’m telling you Mel, there’s no proof I touched her. She is lying!

MELANIE
Doctors don’t lie! I took her to the pediatrician and he said that she might not be able to have children now! You ravaged our daughter…a seven-year-old girl! What, wasn’t forcing me to have sex with you enough?

CARL
I didn’t touch her! Melanie, it must have been one of the guys from work. During a barbecue or something. I swear to you, as soon as you untie me I will hunt that fucker down and kill him for what he did to her.

MELANIE
No, I think I’ll kill him first.

(MELANIE pulls out a gun from her coat pocket. She crosses to CARL and hold the gun pressed against the side of his head.)

CARL
(Gritting his teeth.) You can’t do it, Melanie. You’re nothing without me. I’m your whole world!

MELANIE
(Taps the gun to his head.) Try me, Carl. Our world ended when you laid a hand on my children. Beating the hell out of me, holding me down so you can fuck me…that’s one thing. I can at least try to defend myself, they can’t!

CARL
You have no friends…all your family is in California…you can’t live without me, Melanie; you have no one to take care of you!

MELANIE
Who ever said I needed you to take care of me? Just because I was stupid enough to believe that you were going to love me forever, and that you were the man of my dreams doesn’t mean I need you to live. Yes, when you said we’d have a better life in ass fuck nowhere Arkansas, I followed you here. Then, two children later you trap me here. Beat me, cheat on me, treat me like shit and fill my head with lies about how much you love me. You never loved me; all you really needed was a maid and a blow up doll.

CARL
Mel-


MELANIE
And now…you hit Jack and you molest Myra…you are a horrible man. You are not even a man! You’re a disgusting animal!!

(There is a long pause. MELANIE stands, gun against CARL’S head. He hangs his head down, and they sit silent for a few beats.)

CARL
(Calmly) Just…put the gun down and untie me, Melanie. We can get all this sorted out later. You have to believe me that I didn’t touch Myra. Jack, yes, I did hit him. I was wrong. Please, I will NEVER do it again, and I will find out who did that to Myra if it’s the last thing I do.

(MELANIE pauses to look at him for a moment.)

CARL
I said do it now Melanie! Come on, move your ass! (MELANIE stands watching him for a minute.)

MELANIE
(Shaking her head.) You think I believe your lies?

CARL
What?

MELANIE
You’re a filthy monster, Carl. My children and me have rights!

CARL
They’ll arrest you Melanie. You can’t get away with this!

MELANIE
Yes I can, Carl. Your friend Joe…I told him what you did. He said he’d kill you himself. I told him not to. I want to kill you. Did you hear me, Carl? I WANT to kill you. And I will.

CARL
Son of a bitch. Look Mel, if you kill me, they’ll arrest you and take away Jack and Myra…then what good will your miserable life be?

MELANIE
Joe knows how I’ll never get caught. It’s easy because no one will miss you. No one.

CARL
People will come looking for me, Melanie! You can’t do this!

MELANIE
Oh no? It’s a believable story…you ran away with another woman…you were just gone one morning…tomorrow morning. Everyone will believe me…your boss, your friends, other guys in mechanic shop…no one will know. No one will suspect.


CARL
They’ll find my body, Mel!

MELANIE
No, not when Joe is through. There won’t be any of you left to find.

CARL
You know you can’t do it. I love you Melanie, I really do. Please, if you don’t believe me, just kill me.

MELANIE
What?

CARL
I couldn’t bear to live if you left me, Mel. So, if you just can’t believe that I didn’t touch Myra and that I can never change. Just shoot me.

MELANIE
Maybe you didn’t touch her. How can you change?

CARL
I’m not sure. I can go to meetings, get help somehow. I don’t want to lose this life. I love you. We…we can even move back out to California with the kids if you want.

MELANIE
Really?

CARL
Sure. It will be easier for me to get help there. Please Mel, untie me and we can start over.

MELANIE
Okay. I’m sorry I tied you up.

(MELANIE moves over to the chair. She starts to untie the knot. Once the ropes are half off, CARL rushes from the chair, pinning MELANIE onto the floor. As they struggle for control of the gun, the lights fade to black. Sounds of the fight are still heard and then, a gunshot. We hear a person get up from under the body. A touch-tone telephone is heard dialing. From offstage, we hear a voice…)

MELANIE
Joe? Good, it’s you. (Pause) Yes, I did it. No, please come now. And, can you do me a favor? Bring me a change of clothes, things just got a bit messy.

(End.)
 

casperthesheet

Senior Member
I didn't mind it that much. I think it would be very interesting to see. One thing I did notice is that you used peoples names too much when they were speaking but besides that it's alright.
 
First off, that was very good. At first I thought it would read as corny as a Lifetime screenplay, but it was very real. One thing though, towards the middle Melanie cusses a little bit too much. In the begginning I had a picture of her in my head of being this scared, frightened young woman, who is really good at heart. Is that where you were going with her? Maybe that would work a little better. It is still all right for her to cuss, just maybe not so much. All in all though I thought it was very interesting. Good job.
 

cecilia

Senior Member
wow dude ithought that was very well written, ithought you handled a difficult subject sensitively but creatively well. I thought itw was good. My only complaint is the ending. Though it was good because she does shoot him and maybe u dont expext that so much. When she pulls out that gun, you know its gotta end somehow. You know hes gonna beg her for forgivenss and say he loves her. I wondered maybe if there was an interesting ending you could do thats very different and not been done before like...........................hmmmmm.......it was agood ending....... Idont know what to suggest now. maybe she should should stage it as sucide, force him to drink bleach or something. oh idunno. or, maybe she should have achange of heart and actually believe him. oh but idont know what you could do then, though it would allow the stroy to carry on unless you had some other ideas for direction?? hmm... if ihave any ideas to sggest iwil tell you them, ihope that is helpful anyhoo. Excellent.
Lots of luv cecilia xxx
 

cecilia

Senior Member
uh huh, deep thinker dude think you have agood point, perhaps she should retain some of that fear, be uncontroollable, scared, terrified, stumble over her words, he could still be aggresive and have an upper hand trying to control her whilst shes in floods of tears scared stiff.hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm....................

ceilaxxx
 
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