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Keep your head up (1 Viewer)

Jk_Sl

Senior Member
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J.h
 

2020Syd2020

Senior Member
Hello,

As a reader I want to know why loving him was destructive, I feel like you could be doing more to show the reader rather than tell them what is happening in the piece. You have the emotion behind the writing but I just feel like currently the piece goes from setting a scene to setting a scene without really allowing the scene to play out,

Cheers

Syd
 

Jk_Sl

Senior Member
Hello,

As a reader I want to know why loving him was destructive, I feel like you could be doing more to show the reader rather than tell them what is happening in the piece. You have the emotion behind the writing but I just feel like currently the piece goes from setting a scene to setting a scene without really allowing the scene to play out,

Cheers

Syd

Thank You Syd, [emoji120]
 

Annie. Marie

Senior Member
I feel like the curse words here are nicely placed and don't take away from the poem itself which is the issue with a lot of writing. The second stanza is my favorite because you really go in depth in what you're saying.
For edits I think you can get rid of the third stanza and just take those first two lines of it and add it to the previous stanza. Then I would work on the line breaks for the last stanza because it sounds a bit off.
Thank you for sharing!

-Annie
 

Jk_Sl

Senior Member
I feel like the curse words here are nicely placed and don't take away from the poem itself which is the issue with a lot of writing. The second stanza is my favorite because you really go in depth in what you're saying.
For edits I think you can get rid of the third stanza and just take those first two lines of it and add it to the previous stanza. Then I would work on the line breaks for the last stanza because it sounds a bit off.
Thank you for sharing!

-Annie

Thank You Annie. You’re right.
It needs to be done in way where that situation calls for swearing and not just unnecessary.
When I typed it the last stanza was actually an afterthought, like a message to help people struggling, so I see it’s unnecessary in the body itself.
Thank You again x
 
Last edited:

ritudimrinautiyal

Senior Member

Hi J

I too agree with Annie. Here third stanza is converting the really beautiful poetic piece to a normal conversation, or normal expression. So go per her advice, it will definitely make your poem better.

Otherwise I definitely enjoyed it.

Good luck.
Ritu
 

Jk_Sl

Senior Member
Hi J

I too agree with Annie. Here third stanza is converting the really beautiful poetic piece to a normal conversation, or normal expression. So go per her advice, it will definitely make your poem better.

Otherwise I definitely enjoyed it.

Good luck.
Ritu

Thank You very much Ritu, I had initially left it out but put it in as an afterthought. X
You too x
 
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