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Keep a Face Among the Crowd (1 Viewer)

Theglasshouse

WF Veterans
(Revision with stanza breaks and some changes)

It doesn’t matter the color of your skin.

Pretend you’re a chameleon for instance.
It doesn’t matter who you are
We're children in this world.

We are all really faceless statues in this world
Everyone is faceless so pointless to look.

And all is quiet and you see statues,
You cannot tell the truth from reality.
So you talk to statues when sleeping.
You on the other hand have no real face.
The statues talk nonsense about the truth to you.
But be true to your nature. You have no face.

Today the faceless statues turn human.
Then you’ll be an adult, and the faces will
Become more defined and people will show their true color
Then you will know who the enemy could be.
But he hides beneath the mask he or she wears,
Faceless, he or she is anonymous, and then you wonder
What is left, his color isn’t the man in the faceless crowd
Maybe it’s a woman who can’t smile or someone incognito.
Keep pushing onwards and let the mystery vanish
Before you like a murder mystery.
Don’t take my words for granted
For you must place the face inside your mind and imagine reality.
Imagine and decide who the human is and who they are not.
Do they have a multiple personality complex?
Innocence is what a child and adult losses.
Belief matters when you are soul-searching.
Perhaps the faceless statues will make sense.
Pretend, and you’ll look fake.

Who you are, has turned real,
While the other has falsified their demeanor.
And they don't show their feelings in their face.
As to whom they truly are they made a decision to pretend.

When you show feelings you have a face.
Pretend and you'll always look fake to other people.



Original Poem:

It doesn’t matter the color of your skin.
Pretend you’re a chameleon for instance.
It doesn’t matter who you are
We are children in this world
We are faceless statues in this world
Everyone is faceless so pointless to look
Fall asleep in your chair, maybe some
Day the faceless statues will turn human.
Then you’ll be an adult, and the faces will
Become more defined people will show their true color
Then you will know who the enemy could be.
But he hides beneath the mask he or she wears,
Faceless, he or she is anonymous, and then you wonder
What is left, his color isn’t the man in the faceless crowd
Maybe it’s a woman who can’t smile or someone incognito.
Keep pushing onwards and let the mystery vanish
Before you like a murder mystery.
Don’t take my words for granted,
For you must place the face inside your mind and imagine
Imagine and decide who the human is and who they are not.
Do they have a multiple personality complex?
Innocence is what a child and adult losses.
Belief matters when you are soul-searching.
Perhaps the faceless statues will make sense.
Pretend whomever you are, and you’ll look fake.

Copyright Claudio Apolinar.
 
Last edited:

Firemajic

Poetry Mentor
Staff member
Senior Mentor
Hello, Theglasshouse ;) ... I am thrilled to see you posting your poetry... Here's the thing... I love the title, and I am in awe of your lovely message.... howevver.... I want you to try to pay attention to your line breaks, at times the line breaks causes me to stumble, causes me to feel rushed and chaotic...

Edit... edit... Less is more...and I think I have said this to you before, there are many poetic devices you can use to make your poem flow, sound more.... well... poetic ;)

Stanzas are your friend, they can help your reader move from point A to B and transition smoothly between each part of your poem....

I can tell you have put a LOT of work into this poem, and I know and understand you have a wonderful message that you want your reader to understand... just don't let your message get lost in excess information...

Thank you for sharing and I truly hope you will keep writing poetry and sharing it.... ;)
 

Theglasshouse

WF Veterans
Thank you Firemajic. Some past history regarding people (more than a person in this case) is what made this poem possible to write. While the source originally was a negative memory I know the metaphor for the faceless statues could stand for something else. It could be about being true to yourself. What impression you make on others. Be your real self and maybe people will appreciate that. If not you won't know who you really are friend or foe? This happened to me. I had a bad experience. People who hide their emotions are bad people. They aren't real to me. Likewise, the positive side is if you are true to yourself you will have friends.

I appreciate the line break advice and that less is more. One of the problems of writing poetry is that you need it seems a good emotional idea before writing a poem. People react in that they like the poem when I have a metaphor for the poem. It's by chance that I connected with a faceless statue because my mother where we are from loves to collect faceless dolls.

I agree with you. In teaching there is scaffolding or learning step by step and filling in the blanks of what we don't know. I am aware I wrote this out of nowhere (these feelings are genuine as is the message as it came from a memory I probably won't forget for better or for worse). But this poem seems heavily centered on real emotional experiences. If poetry could be taught in a way that was logical I know more people would be doing it. The emotional part is where I am usually in need of teaching. I think no amount of technique can help unless you write down and try to remember how you feel. I am currently going to journal. It is in my plans. I will write more poetry. Thanks for encouraging me. You've been an inspiration for many on this forum. I don't think I was ready to write poetry before. But the more poetry writing I do maybe will show what I am capable off writing in terms of feelings.

Thank you for being kind and patient. I will write more. But right now been reading on how to keep a record on memories. Once I do that I will journal how I feel regarding experiences.

I am kind of drawing a blank on what do with line breaks. I will return to it once more once I have another look at poetry theory and the feelings I have written about in a journal.

I figure the recent thread on metaphor can give me some pointers.

Once again thanks firemajic for liking the poem and for the encouragement. I do see a reason to write poetry. I admit I need more tips online breaks (separating it into stanzas I admit and reading this carefully would have helped) but I can do some research on this missing part of your comments (before posting a new one). Less is more. Agreed. I used to write without emotions. My focus was on rhyme and didn't know or put much thought to images. But just a bit of rhyme is enough I now know, and poetry does need a message and metaphor which my previous poems did not have. I appreciate the commentary and critique. I still have a lot I need to pay attention to concerning poetry and have a lot to learn. I know what I did correctly and wrong (message and metaphor and lack of line breaks and need of being economical with words). I know there are a lot of line breaks. This happened since I did not at first want to censor everything I had when writing it down. There was no inner critic for this one that prevented me from writing it as I did keep writing until I knew what I wished I could say. I did not censor. It was line after line but I do know I need to fix that. I remember you saying it should be around the same length.

Kind regards Firemajic,

from the glasshouse.
 
Last edited:

Firemajic

Poetry Mentor
Staff member
Senior Mentor
It doesn’t matter the color of your skin.
Pretend you’re a chameleon for instance.
It doesn’t matter who you are
We are children in this world

**** here would be where I would end stanza 1, [ because you were speaking about the color of skin]****

We are faceless statues in this world
Everyone is faceless so pointless to look

Fall asleep in your chair, maybe some **** this, IMO, is a weird line break*****


Day the faceless statues will turn human.
Then you’ll be an adult, and the faces will
Become more defined people will show their true color
Then you will know who the enemy could be.
But he hides beneath the mask he or she wears,
Faceless, he or she is anonymous, and then you wonder
What is left, his color isn’t the man in the faceless crowd
Maybe it’s a woman who can’t smile or someone incognito.
Keep pushing onwards and let the mystery vanish
Before you like a murder mystery.
Don’t take my words for granted,
For you must place the face inside your mind and imagine
Imagine and decide who the human is and who they are not.
Do they have a multiple personality complex?
Innocence is what a child and adult losses.
Belief matters when you are soul-searching.
Perhaps the faceless statues will make sense.
Pretend whomever you are, and you’ll look fake.

Copyright Claudio Apolinar.


Just a quick example of what I was talking about... does this make sense, or did I confuse you even more? I hope this helps...
 

Theglasshouse

WF Veterans
It makes sense, and I do see where I switched the subjects in the example you have quoted. That is why I think you broke the stanza where you did. Thanks for using your valuable time (the time it took) to show me the example of where I should break the stanza.

  • To emphasize a word or phrase at the end of a line.
  • (To signal a pause to the reader.)
  • To speed up or slow down the pace.
  • To create a sense of forward motion.
  • (To change of thought.)
  • To create an interruption.
  • To comply with the rules of grammar.
  • To create a metrical pattern or syllabic pattern.

Yes. It makes sense. I looked it up to understand this topic. Thanks again for helping me understand what I did wrong. To be honest I was a little confused but if I look up the reason for the line break it makes logical sense. I appreciate the help.


The stanza in poetry is analogous with the paragraph that is seen in prose; related thoughts are grouped into units.[SUP][3][/SUP] The stanza has also been known by terms such as batch, fit, and stave.[SUP][4][/SUP] Even though the term "stanza" is taken from Italian, in the Italian language the word "strofa" is more commonly used.[SUP][citation needed][/SUP] In music, groups of lines are typically referred to as verses.
(from Wikipedia's article on stanza.)

So I do see how some of those are unrelated and stanza breaks would be needed for the paragraph to have unity. Grouping similar ideas as if it had a topic sentence.
 

Firemajic

Poetry Mentor
Staff member
Senior Mentor
Exactly right ;) Each stanza leads your reader from point A to point B... I applaud your determination and your willingness to research and to ask questions... keep up the good work...
 

Theglasshouse

WF Veterans
Thank you for the help. That was tough for me but rewarding. I feel as if I sort of know other people better including how I have perceived them. I do appreciate your honesty and because of your earnest comments.
 

Firemajic

Poetry Mentor
Staff member
Senior Mentor
(Revision with stanza breaks and some changes)

It doesn’t matter the color of your skin.

Pretend you’re a chameleon for instance.
It doesn’t matter who you are
We're children in this world.

We are all really faceless statues in this world
Everyone is faceless so pointless to look.

And all is quiet and you see statues,
You cannot tell the truth from reality.
So you talk to statues when sleeping.
You on the other hand have no real face.
The statues talk nonsense about the truth to you.
But be true to your nature. You have no face.

Today the faceless statues turn human.
Then you’ll be an adult, and the faces will
Become more defined and people will show their true color
Then you will know who the enemy could be.
But he hides beneath the mask he or she wears,
Faceless, he or she is anonymous, and then you wonder
What is left, his color isn’t the man in the faceless crowd
Maybe it’s a woman who can’t smile or someone incognito.

*** maybe another stanza here....
Keep pushing onwards and let the mystery vanish
Before you like a murder mystery.
Don’t take my words for granted
For you must place the face inside your mind and imagine reality.
Imagine and decide who the human is and who they are not.
Do they have a multiple personality complex?
Innocence is what a child and adult losses.
Belief matters when you are soul-searching.
Perhaps the faceless statues will make sense.
Pretend, and you’ll look fake.

Who you are, has turned real,
While the other has falsified their demeanor.
And they don't show their feelings in their face.
As to whom they truly are they made a decision to pretend.

When you show feelings you have a face.
Pretend and you'll always look fake to other people.



Original Poem:

It doesn’t matter the color of your skin.
Pretend you’re a chameleon for instance.
It doesn’t matter who you are
We are children in this world
We are faceless statues in this world
Everyone is faceless so pointless to look
Fall asleep in your chair, maybe some
Day the faceless statues will turn human.
Then you’ll be an adult, and the faces will
Become more defined people will show their true color
Then you will know who the enemy could be.
But he hides beneath the mask he or she wears,
Faceless, he or she is anonymous, and then you wonder
What is left, his color isn’t the man in the faceless crowd
Maybe it’s a woman who can’t smile or someone incognito.
Keep pushing onwards and let the mystery vanish
Before you like a murder mystery.
Don’t take my words for granted,
For you must place the face inside your mind and imagine
Imagine and decide who the human is and who they are not.
Do they have a multiple personality complex?
Innocence is what a child and adult losses.
Belief matters when you are soul-searching.
Perhaps the faceless statues will make sense.
Pretend whomever you are, and you’ll look fake.

Copyright Claudio Apolinar.

I like what you have done with the stanzas, makes it much easier to read... just one more thing I would like for you to do.... cut some of the redundant lines and stick to one subject unless you use stanzas to separate each subject, otherwise it starts sounding chaotic.. example: "Do they have a multiple personality complex?"... I think the strongest message in your poem is in your first stanza....sooo maybe focus on just that.... but remember, this is your poem and this is your message....and these are only my suggestions as your reader... thanks for sharing ...
 

Theglasshouse

WF Veterans
Ok I can save the draft I am proud off. For the repetition I will have to set some time for that. I will continue working on this one. You will see a revision hopefully not too late form now (this will depend on how much repetition I detect and how much time I need to rewrite it). I suppose I will have to research the repetition and how it happens in poems. I am willing to listen to feedback. I just need some more time. This will be my personal homework and assignment. Thanks Firemajic for the help.
 
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