Writing Forums

Writing Forums is a privately-owned, community managed writing environment. We provide an unlimited opportunity for writers and poets of all abilities, to share their work and communicate with other writers and creative artists. We offer an experience that is safe, welcoming and friendly, regardless of your level of participation, knowledge or skill. There are several opportunities for writers to exchange tips, engage in discussions about techniques, and grow in your craft. You can also participate in forum competitions that are exciting and helpful in building your skill level. There's so much more for you to explore!

Just want to be her father (1 Viewer)

CarolFa

Senior Member
My heart bleeds for my daughter.
Just want to be her father.
I try every day,
dreaming of seeing you someday.

My life is such a mess,
but working on building a nest.
Shame and blame will never go,
because not seeing you, just makes it grow.

How could this ever happen?
Couldn’t stop the addiction’s cramping.
I wrote about you in my journals,
The pain kept spinning me in circles.

I wanted to show you God’s way,
cause he was with me every day.
I tried hard to be good,
But always came out misunderstood.

Recovery isn’t crystal clear,
You always wake up with fear.
Can my mind set me free today,
Or will it be guilt like every other day.

Each day the fog gets clearer,
But blame and shame keeps getting nearer.
My heart bleeds for my daughter,
I just want to be her father.

She will be 10 in November
I missed her 6, 8, and 9 birthdays
and now it’s for her to remember.
I wished it didn’t have to go this way,

I really wanted to do better and stay.
I wanted so much to own it.
To be the father who outgrown it.
For all the times we were together,

You were my heart, my best friend, forever.
I will watch over you now,
I hope you feel me somehow!
Shame creates pain, it feels like there is no way out of it.

Maybe, the solution is to stop stigma,
and be part of peace and continue with it.
We all need to feel worthy,
There’s no room for controversy.

Life won’t be the same without you,
Cause we all lost a part of you.
My heart bleeds for my daughter.
I just want to be her father.
 

Darkkin

WF Veterans
Poignant piece, but inconsistent rhyme scheme and/or slant rhymes has the effect of knocking the reader out of the piece. Rhyme is a tricky tool to use, one that is often used when it is not a necessary or good fit. Play to the emotions, the memories, the regrets, consider relaxing the structure. Let the content stand on its own without a fixed trellis of force structuring. The rhyme is not a good fit here and is not a requisite in poetry. When overused or inconsistent, it can cut a good poem off at the knees and render its potential inert.

This is one of the most common issues with many poems. A good place to start: Look at the rhyme pattern as whole and articulate, demostrate, or explain how and why the rhyme enhances the subject matter. Translate the rhyme pattern into a binary format.

e.g.

S1

A : Slant suffix
A : Slant suffix
B: Same word
B: Same word

Consciously look at the pattern. Readers are quick to find the pressure points. True rhymes are always strongest, where slant rhyme, suffix fixing, and same but different, really, rhymes crumble under pressure. Look at the numbers of the first stanza. Consider the pattern, the math. Is this the best format?

Does it have defensible uses or is it being used as a crutch to bolster the impression of solid foundation work? If an argument cannot be made for the use of the tool in the situation, leave it out.

Akin to making sure things are thoroughly incorporated in baked goods, an off kilter scheme can interupt a poem's flow like a pocket of raw flour in a piece of cake.

Forced structure work tends to have a vulnerability in its foundational pressure points. This is why it is important to consider which tools to use. The screw or the nail, which is needed in framing a house and why?
 
Last edited:

CarolFa

Senior Member
Thank you for your input. I cannot express enough how grateful I am to have experience writers push me along with my writing skills. What a wonderful forum.
 
Top