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Just a beach bum (1 Viewer)

knottla

Senior Member
Gulf stream breezes shifting the sands.
The high tide mark leaving seaweed
and driftwood for beachcombers to grab.
To take back home and create something worthy.


The tide on it's journey outwards
leaves pools and crevaces for
crabs and other sealife to hide.
Resting quietly for the return
of the tide.


Gulls follow the tide outwards
dancing for lugworms to entice
from the sand.


The weather's quite warm
for strolling the sands.
Thinking of Robinson Crusoe
but no man Friday to give
him a hand.


The light is fading, yet the
sea looks emerald green.
The birds are now circling
looking for a meal.


My time of contentment
has come to an end.
A walk back to reality
where real life begins.
 
Last edited:

2020Syd2020

Senior Member
Hello,

Is the lineation of L1 deliberately done or a typo? If it’s the former it feels like an awkward decision when compared with the rest of the piece. I like the way in which you paint the reader this picture, I can picture it very clearly. If I was to make a suggestion I want a little more emotion something to really in liven the picture presented to me as a reader. Does that make sense?

Cheers for sharing

Syd
 

knottla

Senior Member
The first line is definitely a typo. Yes reading it back it appears as it hasn't got any meat on the bones so to speak. Thank you for pointing that out Syd. sometimes when I write myhands go as quick as my brain spewing the words out. i think I need time to reflect on what I've written before shoring.
 

dannyboy

Friends of WF
Hi knottla I have cut really hard here, hope that is okay, just wanted to show how less may give more....


Gulf stream breeze shifts sand
The high tide mark deposits seaweed
and driftwood to grab.
take home, create something (a different word here) grand.


The tide on it's journey outwards
leaves pools and crevaces for
crabs and other sealife to hide
rest quietly for the water's return.


Gulls follow currents outwards
dancing for lugworms to entice
from the shore.


Strolling weather, Robinson Crusoe
but no man Friday
to give a hand.


The light fades, birds circle
look for a meal above
emerald green sea.

Time of contentment
has come to an end
walk back to reality
where real life begins.
 

knottla

Senior Member
dannyboy I'm always open to suggestions to better both myself and my writings. No need to apologise. I've edited the poem. Let me know what you think.
 

knottla

Senior Member
Thank you for your suggestion, it sounds better than grand. That's not a word to use in this poem. I think it's one of those poems that requires reading a few times, until you get what the writer is actually talking about.
 
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