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Jump (1 Viewer)

RobbieO

Senior Member
So I was sitting on my couch after work tonight, I don't know why but the concept for this song hit me out of nowhere. It's more of my usual desperately sad stuff about looking over the edge of a cliff at my favorite go-to spot where I like to go when I'm sad or lonely. I have a tune in my head but I haven't even begun to try to pick out an instrumental for it. Hopefully soon, though! I may even add another four lines or merely replace four of the existing lines. In deciphering the lyrics, you'll see in the chorus the word "jump" is repeated in parenthesis; this represents the word "Jump" being said once and then repeated in a fading-echo fashion through a delay filter. The word "spirit'ial" represents the word "spiritual" being abbreviated/slurred to three syllables instead of four. I only spent about two hours on this, so I'm sure it could use some polishing up.

As always - be honest, be brutal, any little nit-picky thing let me know about it!

“Jump”
Approx 63BPM

[Verse 1]
It’s a long, long way, to the end of the trail
He’s done it all before, he’ll know when he is there
A maple covered mountain top, a view that goes for miles
Is where he’ll go when he needs to know if he can even smile
Anymore

And there’s a million leaves on a thousand trees
He takes in every one, the changing red and green
And far below a river flows, his fav’rite place to be
It’s where he’ll go when he needs to know if he can even smile
Anymore

[Pre-Chorus 1]
He stops and bows his head to think
It’s been another year
The wind is warm and welcoming
It whispers in his ear

[Chorus]
Jump (jump…jump…)
It’s the calling of the void
Jump (jump…jump…)
What he came here to avoid
He could take a step; he could almost fly
He could walk away; and refuse to die
or Jump (jump…jump…)
Jump (jump…jump…)

[Verse 2]
It’s a long life span, to become a frail old man
Far too long to make it, when no one holds your hand
A melancholy permanence, a mournful many years
Is what he owns, why he never knows, if he can ever smile
Anymore

[Pre-Chorus 2]
The echo of his cries return
from out across the way
To let go of his painful yearn
And spirit’ial decay

[CHORUS]
Jump (jump…jump…)
It’s the calling of the void
Jump (jump…jump…)
What he came here to avoid
He could take a step; he could almost fly
He could walk away; and refuse to die
or Jump (jump…jump…)
Jump (jump…jump…)

[Bridge]
And isn’t it ironic, he came here all this way
To fix his biggest failure, but chose to walk away

[Verse 3]
And it’s a long, long way, from the edge of the world
To a cold and empty dwelling, for a sadness so unfurled
Uncertainty possesses him, why didn’t he atone
His curs-ed bones car-ry him home, but he’ll prob’ly never smile
Anymore

[Generic Instrumental bit for 45 seconds or so]


[*song volume fading out*]

Jump…(jump…jump...)
Jump…(jump…jump...)
Jump…(jump…jump...)
Jump…(jump…jump...)
 

tony333

Member
I like the words. Without hearing what you are hearing, it's hard to imagine the direction of the melody. There are couple spots that will "clean up" once you sing it I am sure.

Nicely done. A bit dark but I like it.
 

Parable_of_Pleiades

Senior Member
I'm rarely a lyricist, so take this lightly, but I think "a view goes on for miles" might sound cleaner than "a view that goes for miles". Same with "the changing red and green" vs just "changing red and green".

I really like this, "to fix his biggest failure, but chose to walk away" is harsh, but very true to how a lot of people feel. My favorite though was, "a melancholy permanence, a mournful many years". That's a beautiful image.
 

Marjon

Senior Member
I stumbled on your song and didn't think I would like it. But that is just as stupid as a child who says "I don't like Bami Goreng", simply because he never ate it before.

So I read and... loved it. It sounds musical, it has an interesting -although a bit gloomy- text, and I can imagine many people listening as fascinated to this as I am.

Just a few small suggestions: In Verse 2: I think it sounds better when you say: It's a life-long span, in stead of It's a long life span.
Pre-chorus 2: Skip "to". "Let go of this painful yearn"

I agree with other changes suggested.

You have a good thing going here, RobbieO
 

Princesisto

Senior Member
I imagine it as a kind of country song, bluegrass, full of guitars with a fiddle, drums and bass. I don't know if that is what you were thinking.

But the rhyme scheme is really weird. Most popular songs are a,b,a,b like:

Old Town Road

Yeah, I'm gonna take my horse to the old town road (a)
Gonna ride 'til I can't no more (b)
(Repeat these two lines) (a)
(b)

But Jump is like a,b,c,d,d,c,e

It's a long, long way to the end of the trail (a)
He's done it before, he'll know when he is there (b)
A maple-covered mountaintop, a view that goes for miles (c)
Is where he'll go (d)
When he needs to know (d)
If he can even smile (c)
Anymore (e)

Then it is not consistent. For example, the second verse is a,a,b,a,c,c,a,c,c,d,e, going by ending sounds, not exactly in the line pattern you wrote.

It's going to sound jarring, like the kind of thing Billie Eilish would do: did you want to be that avant-garde?

Country audiences definitely prefer traditional rhyme schemes: they would stop listening early on.

You've got to think about your audience and what they will like.
 

Bard_Daniel

Senior Member
This was pretty darn good! I especially liked this part:

"The echo of his cries return
from out across the way
To let go of his painful yearn
And spirit’ial decay"

Thanks for sharing! :D
 

Gwenni63

Senior Member
I like the versus especially the first verse but I agree I don't know the genre well enough to comment about the hook and how it would sound of a accompany with musical instruments
 
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