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Jazz (1 Viewer)

fpak

Senior Member
Jazz

Wiggling horn solos give way
To heaving sigh of swelling finale.

Stairways of jazz
Twirl their threads
Back to the source,
Backward and upward.
When this happens in a trumpet

Can we not die
And be resurrected?
Every moment is the resurrection
And
The
Death! Hear his royal pomp
Bursting through the swamp
And haze of jazz.

But teasing jazz tickles
The solid backbones of a piano

Sex is a dynamo
Of the night
Glowworm luminescense
Of celebratory fireworks
In the moans
And final sighs
Of the satisified jazz.
 

aj47

(he/him)
WF Veterans
I so want to say something constructive about this but not being overly familiar with jazz, I can only speak to the metaphoric side.

I don't think wiggle is sensuous enough for the rest of the stanza. Maybe a dance move or the swagger of .

If the music is a thread, you need thread-related terms, such as: skein, and (en)twine. If it's stairways, you need risers or steps or some other related word.

Drop but .

And maybe not actually SAY sex (or was that a typo for sax?)

Also, I think capitalizing every line restricts the flow...I think if it's jazz, the movement should also be conveyed by careful choosing of what to capitalize and what to leave lowercase.
 

inkwellness

Senior Member
fpak,

This is a beautiful poem that speaks of the transcendental nature of music, specifically jazz. As I enjoyed the word choices, I got hung up on the first stanza. I can't quite put my finger on it but it doesn't introduce a steady rhythm to the piece. I'm not sure it's grammatically correct. You may need an "a" before heaving to set it right. Either way, it's a lovely poem. You've done well here. :)
 

RHPeat

Met3 Group Leader
Staff member
Senior Mentor
fpak

these one word lines don't carry much intent to be isolated or hold any attention:

Every moment is the resurrection
And
The

Death! Hear his royal pomp

Think of something that might tie into your deeper intent.

Every moment is the resurrection
brass
horn

Death! Hear his royal pomp


You still have the same beats per line as a line count, but the words become far more accentual and carry more intent in a stronger rhythm. This happens through something stronger being there. Choose words that you feel are stronger; you could use any one syllable verb or noun, and it will retain the flow and the music while empowering the lines a bit more. You could even add more to the intent through the use of more musical intonations with some consonance, assonance, or alliteration in the chosen words to have more music in the blast of jazz related to your subject matter.

A one word line should have some impact, to be used, and these two words (a conjunction and an article do little if anything to the poem as a whole. Connect "resurrection" and "death" with a noun and a verb followed by the noun "death" and you might find you have something really powerful. It's a simple sentence structure. If you wanted to play more with the actual resurrection find words that deal with it directly like "rolled/ stone/ Death! Hear his royal pomp". if you see what I mean. There is an opportunity to empower the lines a bit more in various ways for the sake of the complete poem.

a poet friend
RH Peat.
 

fpak

Senior Member
fpak

these one word lines don't carry much intent to be isolated or hold any attention:

Every moment is the resurrection
And
The

Death! Hear his royal pomp

Think of something that might tie into your deeper intent.

Every moment is the resurrection
brass
horn

Death! Hear his royal pomp


You still have the same beats per line as a line count, but the words become far more accentual and carry more intent in a stronger rhythm. This happens through something stronger being there. Choose words that you feel are stronger; you could use any one syllable verb or noun, and it will retain the flow and the music while empowering the lines a bit more. You could even add more to the intent through the use of more musical intonations with some consonance, assonance, or alliteration in the chosen words to have more music in the blast of jazz related to your subject matter.

A one word line should have some impact, to be used, and these two words (a conjunction and an article do little if anything to the poem as a whole. Connect "resurrection" and "death" with a noun and a verb followed by the noun "death" and you might find you have something really powerful. It's a simple sentence structure. If you wanted to play more with the actual resurrection find words that deal with it directly like "rolled/ stone/ Death! Hear his royal pomp". if you see what I mean. There is an opportunity to empower the lines a bit more in various ways for the sake of the complete poem.

a poet friend
RH Peat.

Very astute critique RH Peat. I had actually formatted that line slightly differently. The formatting got lost when I typed it in.
I had initially written the three lines in an indented zigzag pattern to mimic the quick note changes in a jazz solo.
 

RHPeat

Met3 Group Leader
Staff member
Senior Mentor
Fpak

Insert an o or a 0 in front of the text and then change it to white to create your indents. Highlight it with your cursor and you'll see what I did. I think this is what you intended, like so:

Every moment is the resurrection
000000 brass
000 horn
Death! Hear his royal pomp



You can always tweak the indented space by reinserting the cursor and typing more zeros or letter into the white space or by deleting a few letters to ether lengthen or shorten the space for the length of timing you want.

a poet friend
RH Peat
ps. Sorry I didn't get back earlier. I saw that you had responded but I had about 20 other things to do at the time concerning a new member joining our closed workshop group. Along with about 3 critiques in length like the one I gave you. Now I'm waiting for the new member to return my last PM. Anyway, I finally made it back. It's a very interesting poem. I too am a Jazz lover. Do you like Bill Evens, Monk, Oscar Peterson, or Keith Jarrett's piano?
 
Last edited:

Scizologic

Senior Member
If resurrection is defined as: dead returning to life. I think the answer to the question "Can we not die And be resurrected?"
is "no", because "not die" means you haven't died, and you have to die before you can be resurrected.


"Every moment is the resurrection
And
The
Death
! "

Then every moment is returning to life and the end of life? That's a contradiction. But if that's what you intended and jazz is like passing in and out of existence, then Jazz must be a real horror experience for you!
 

ned

Senior Member
enjoyed this one - has a good rhythm and tempo, that suits it well.

must say, I'm not a jazz fan - but much of the terminology is fairly universal.

Can we not die
And be resurrected? - love this, that moment in a tune that just kills you...and you want more.

good stuff
Ned
 

fpak

Senior Member
Fpak

Insert an o or a 0 in front of the text and then change it to white to create your indents. Highlight it with your cursor and you'll see what I did. I think this is what you intended, like so:

Every moment is the resurrection
000000 brass
000 horn
Death! Hear his royal pomp



You can always tweak the indented space by reinserting the cursor and typing more zeros or letter into the white space or by deleting a few letters to ether lengthen or shorten the space for the length of timing you want.

a poet friend
RH Peat
ps. Sorry I didn't get back earlier. I saw that you had responded but I had about 20 other things to do at the time concerning a new member joining our closed workshop group. Along with about 3 critiques in length like the one I gave you. Now I'm waiting for the new member to return my last PM. Anyway, I finally made it back. It's a very interesting poem. I too am a Jazz lover. Do you like Bill Evens, Monk, Oscar Peterson, or Keith Jarrett's piano?

Hey man. Sorry I didnt reply earlier this time. And thanks for the help with the formatting. :)

As for jazz I first started by listening to Monk. But right now Im on a Miles Davis and Coltrane trip.
 
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