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Jawbreaker (1 Viewer)

BostonsOwn

Senior Member
She’s pixie sticks and razor blades
A strawberry soda in a house fire-
The flame that blackens the rainbow
The sin I want to commit

She walks with a grace
Seen only beneath moonlight
An eerie, sweet reverie,
She is all things of the night

If you tie her
You’ll gladly give your soul-
For though she’s shackled
Whoever holds the key
Becomes her slave

Still now, Dark Angel

Your mischievous smile betrays the knife
Tearing open the curtain:
Moonlight shines upon the end of a nightmare

Bleeding me,
Beseeching me

Even from beneath me,
You tell me to be free
Locked in your embrace.
 

2020Syd2020

Senior Member
Hello,

What I appreciate most about this piece, is the mood that the narrator creates, it really draws the reader in to what feels like a dark obsession. There is a since of eroticism without coming across as too overt/ in your face.

That being said I do struggle with the syntax and the structuring of some of the lines, at times the enjambment feels arbitrary and in essence it should feel like it has an impact and a point to being used. What it does here at times, is stunt the rhythm and the flow.

I would also suggest that the tone of the first stanza doesn’t quite sit with that of the rest of the piece, strawberry soda for some reason draws me out of the piece.

Hope this helps,

Cheers

Syd
 

Smith

The Fox
Senior Member
A feeling I know all too well. The fact that I can say that suggests that you've done a fine job of getting across the asphyxiation-fixation. Great command of imagery.
 

andrewclunn

Friends of WF
My only issue is that the second person "you" is the audience at first, and then the subject (her) at the end. Very good imagery and a clear emotional pull.
 

Firemajic

Poetry Mentor
Staff member
Senior Mentor
She’s pixie sticks and razor blades
A strawberry soda in a house fire-
The flame that blackens the rainbow
The sin I want to commit

She walks with a grace
Seen only beneath moonlight
An eerie, sweet reverie,
She is all things of the night

If you tie her
You’ll gladly give your soul-
For though she’s shackled
Whoever holds the key
Becomes her slave

Still now, Dark Angel

Your mischievous smile betrays the knife
Tearing open the curtain:
Moonlight shines upon the end of a nightmare

Bleeding me,
Beseeching me

Even from beneath me,
You tell me to be free
Locked in your embrace.

Love the edgy, gritty vibe ;) "The sin I want to commit".... Killer line, I would love to steal that...lol... This poem has wonderful, unique imagery and that imagery makes for a cool read, Thanks for sharing...

ooo.... fabulous title....
 
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