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Issue 1 (1 Viewer)

S

Satori1

A comic script. What do you think?

Page
Donald and his family are driving in a car towards their new home, in the mountains. The window are down and dad is in the driver’s seat while his mom sits beside him, happily knitting a kid-sized sweater.
Sitting backwards in the car seat, with his arms folded across his chest, Donald glares through the back window towards the direction of his previous residence.
Donald(cap): My name is Donald. I’m 12 years old and ever since I can remember I’ve lived in Los Antonio. (sigh) Its back there, 256 miles away and yes, I have been facing it since we left yesterday morning.
Dad: (Taps a tune on the steering wheel and using mirror, looks at Donald) Come on son, just breath in that fresh mountain air. We should be entering town soon so just relax and try to be happy.

Page 2
Don(cap): (frowns) That’s my father, one of the reason why we’re moving. (shot of dad) See he’s an artist and thinks he needs a “new place of inspiration.” Whatever. (looks at mom) But the real reason why we left is cause of my mom. (shot of mom) As you can see, she’s gonna have a baby and she doesn’t wanna bring up “little Timmy” in the big city. Well, she brought up my sister and I in the city and we turned out fine. {Vapors waft over Donald as he glances to the side}What is that smell?

Page 3
Don: I spoke too soon
Sitting in the midst of herbs, charms, and other items dealing with sorcery, Silver holds a small, smoking, black pot on her lap, into which, she adds a vile of colored liquid. The wind blows strands of hair over her face and as she turns to Donald. Her gray eye glints.
Silver: Do you want some?
Don (th): (grimaces at pot) That…is my morbid older sister, Silver. My parents tell me ever since she learned to read, she has studied witchcraft. I think it’s because of her evil eye.
Silver: It’s the black arts. And if you don’t stop looking at me I’ll try some of it on you. {places the pot on the floor}
Don: No you wouldn’t
Silver: Would I. You would be surprised by the powers of an apprentice sorceress.

Page 4
Don: (still grimacing)
Mom: Children, we’re here.
Don: Huh?! {Donald tries to turn around in his seat but his leg cramps}Crap. {he tumbles into the pot}
Silver: (laughs evilly)
Dad: Please don’t say the “c” word
Don: (process of getting up) You did that on purpose. Mom!
Page 5
Don: Mom! (peeks over his mothers shoulders and sees the town which appears old and completely deserted) Great. It’s basically a ghost town.
Mom: I think it’s charming.
Dad: I agree and the buildings will be a perfect backdrop for many of my paintings.
Silver: I like the seclusion.
Don: You would. {turns to face Silver who has a stick of incense and is preparing to light it} What are you doing?

Page 6
Silv: I’m going to welcome our essence into this place.
Don: No you’re not (snatches the stick away) No more smoke and no more fire in this car.
Silver: (hisses in her throat and pounces on Donald)
They wrestle for awhile and then Donald manages to throw the incense out the window.
Don: (sits back in seat) Hah. (the wind ruffles his exposed hair and he notices his bandana missing) What?! Where’s my…

Page 7
Don: No! (reaches out for bandana) Don’t…
Silver: (lights the bandana afire and tosses it out the window) Hah
Don: Mom.
Donald’s mom and dad ignore him and continue admiring the town.
Don: {Folds his arms and slouches in his seat while his sister pulls out another incense and begins her ceremony.} I hate this stupid place.

Page 8
Inside a vintage clothing store in the downtown, Angela’s mother is picking out clothes while her Amelia chatters around her. Through one of the windows, Mrs. Bee glances at Angela who has her head bent towards the ground and her sons which are playing over a gutter.
Ang(cap): I wish…I were dead. At least I’ll be someplace other than here. (she looks ahead) Someplace I could be loved or at least, liked. I wish…
Andy: (points at Donald’s car which is coming towards them) Look Ally, they’re smoking that good stuff.
They all look towards the car.
Ally: What do you know about, “that good stuff.”
Andy: I saw a program about it
Ally: Oh…

Page 9
Ang(wh): Its them
As the car comes towards them Donald leans towards the window to look at Angela. They meet each others gaze and then car drives past. After it disappears down the road a commotion erupts inside the store as Angela’s mom bursts out onto the sidewalk, still wearing the clothing store’s apparel. It’s owner, ranting in a foreign language, follows after her.

Page 10
Bee: Was that them?
Ang: (Angela remains silent)
Bee: {she shades her eyes against the sun as she tries to catch a glimpse of them but they have already turned down a street}Oh Ange, you’re completely useless. Angela. I simply asked you to tell me when the car comes.
Andy: I saw them mommy. They were smoking “that good stuff.”
Bee: Hm? (ponders) Come on, let’s go. (turns to the store owner) Just charge it to my account k. Rufe. (winks eye at the store owner and gets into the car and ) Love ya!
Rufe: (mumbles)

Page 11
Inside Mrs. Bee’s car, Bee is smoking. Amelia sits in the passenger seat and her brothers are in the back, rolling up paper cigarettes. Angela is sitting with them and is smiling to herself.
Ang(th): Who was that boy? I can’t believe he actually noticed me. At least I think he noticed me.
Bee: (looks into mirror at Angela) Why are you smiling, Angela?
Andy(grinning): She saw a boy today and was making googily faces at him, mommy
Ang: (casts an annoyed glance at her brother)

Page 12
Bee: A boy? Your age, I suppose. Well, don’t get your hopes up. I mean you do have an acceptable figure but no one likes quiet girls.
Amelia: (sings a random song loudly)
Bee: Anyway I believe most of your suitors, if you ever have any, will probably fall for my little Amelia. (smiles adoringly at Amelia and strokes her hair)
Ang(th): (glares at her mother) Curse you
Andy: (chants and claps) tunnel, tunnel, tunnel

Page 13
The car goes under a short tunnel.
Bee: Now Angela, try not to set your face like that, you’ll get wrinkles.
Ang: (looks away)
They drive out of the tunnel and through a neighborhood. All its neighbors are in the yard raking leaves and doing other various yard chores.
Bee: Tsk, tsk. How predictably nosey they all are.

Page 14
Bee steps out of her car and a group of neighborhood wives flocks to her lawn, gossiping the entire way.
Wife: Why Mrs. Bee, we didn’t expect you back so early. Did you see the new family?
Bee: No, thanks to my daughter.
Ang: (looking down)
Bee: But my sons did. They said there were four of them and from the amount of smoke Andy saw billowing out the car, I’d say they were all crack addicts.
The women begin gossiping amongst themselves.
Bee: But that’s besides the point. You all need to go inside. They’d be pretty suspicious of this place if they saw all of you standing on your lawns, gawking at them. Go on now, ladies.
(wives disperse)
Bee(to kids): We need to go inside too. They’ll be here shortly.


Page 15
Dad: Stop complaining, son. I believe after awhile this town might even grow on you if you give it a chance.
Don: This place sucks
Silver: You weren’t thinking that when you saw that girl on the sidewalk. It was as if she cast a spell on you.
Don: Shut up about the magic stuff, o.k.. And I wasn’t looking at her.
Dad: Please don’t say the ‘s’ word Donald

Page 16
Mom: (holds up the finished knitted sweater) So what do you think, Donald? It’s for your new baby brother.
Don (grouchy): Its too big for a baby and the colors are too bright.
Mom: (tears swell in her eyes) Well, I was just thinking about the future and the b..the ba…(sniffs)
Alarmed, everyone looks at mom.
Mom (sobs): The baby

Page 17
Dad: Aw Don, see what you’ve done to you’re poor mother. You know how she gets.
Silv: (sarcastic): Good job, Donald
Don: Mom, I didn’t mean it. It’s a nice sweater, really it is.
Dad: Calm down, honey. Look, we’re in our neighborhood now.
Mom (sniffs): We are?
Don: (looks out window) Everyone’s peeking out their windows at us. It’s kinda creepy.
Dad: Hush Donald!

Page 18
Inside Angela’s home, Bee is on the phone and is peeking out the blinds at Donald’s family who are parked in their driveway, a ways down the street.
Bee: There are four of them…yeah…wife looks pregnant…uh huh.
Amelia: (tugs on her mother’s dress) Mommy, when are we going to see them?
Bee: In a minute. (directs her attention to phone again) Uh hn…I’ll send the signal and you follow. Tell the others. (hangs up phone) Boys, go bring the jell-o.
Andy: I’m way ahead of you mommy.
Bee: Oh Andy, please help your little brother before he drops that. (pats her hair into place and opens the door for her children) Angela, you stay here with the phone. I wouldn’t want you to embarrass me in front of the new neighbors.
Ang: (looks away)

Page 19
Don is sitting on the front steps of his new two-story home. His family is inside.
Don(mutters): I’m not going inside that place. It’s not my real home. My home is in Los Antonio.
Silv(yells through house): This room is perfect.
Mom: Look at this dear.
Dad: Yes I see. It is huge.
Bee: Yoohoo
Don: (looks up and sees Bee walking towards him with a jello mould) Mom, we have company.

Page 20
Bee: Hello there. What’s your name? (peers past him and into the windows) Are your parents home?
Don: My name’s Donald.
Mom: (opens the door) Hello, I’m Mrs. Trump and I see you’ve already met Donald.
Bee: Yes, he’s such a sweet boy. I’m Mrs. Bee.
Mom: Please come in.
Bee: (waves her hand before entering)
Don: (regards her gesture questionably)

Page 21
Ally: That’s her signal for the rest of the neighbors to come
Don (yells): Mom, more company
The children stare at each other until Donald breaks the silence.
Don: So, what’s your names?
Ally: I’m Ally, he’s Andy, and that’s Amelia
Amelia (curtsies): Please to meet you

Page 22
(neighbors walk pass them and more children join)
Don: So, what do you all do around this place?
Andy: Watch t.v.
Amelia: And go to school
Ally: generally nothing interesting
Don: Wanna play tag? {They stare at him} Do you even know how to play tag? {all of them shake their heads} (sighs) This is a first. Guess, I’ll teach you then.

Page 23
They gather in a circle with Donald standing in the middle.
Don: (holds a fist full of sticks in his hand) Now listen, whoever draws the shortest stick is “it” understand?
Each of the kids draw a stick and hold it up.
Don: (opens his hand and he has the shortest) Just my luck I’m “it.” (he looks up and all the kids are staring at him) Here’s the running part you guys.
Kids: (glance at each other questionably)
Don: Move!
Kids: (scatter and Donald chases after them.)

Page 24
Donald starts chasing after Andy who stops running and begins staring across the street. The other children do the same.
Don: Hey why did you stop running? I didn’t touch you yet. (sees Nathan and his group approach them)
Sam: Is your sister in there? (she motions her eyes towards the house)
Don: Yes, why?

Page 25
Nath: None of your business little man. (they walk off) And by the way, stop playing that silly little game. It annoys me.
Don: Why should we?
Nath: (stops walking) Because if you don’t, tomorrow, you might find yourself having a very unpleasant day at school.
Don: Are you threatening me?
Nath: Actually…

Page 26
Nath: Yes
Donald starts to go after Nathan but is subdued by the kids.
Don: (breaks away from the kids’ grasp) Why’d you stop me? I could’ve taken him on.
Ally: We don’t doubt that Donald. It’s just...nevermind.
Don: Whadya mean, nevermind?
Ally: They’re teenagers and we better do what they say.
Don: Whatever, I’m going inside cause if they mess with my sister, someone’s gonna git hurt and its not gonna be me.

Page 27
Nathan enters the house which is bustling with the neighbors. A couch sits in the middle of the living room and a few folded chairs. In the back there is a staircase which leads up to the second floor.
Nath: Split up and find her
Silver’s room is bare except for a bed, dresser, and a few boxes scattered around. Various lit candles, sitting on the boxes illuminate her room. Silver is sitting on her bed in a meditative position.
Mom: (knocks on door) Its me, dear.
Silver(wh): Rood nepo Rood (door opens)
Mom: (walks in and looks at the doorknob questionably) I see you’re excelling at whatever art you’re pursuing.
Silver: The black arts, mother.

Page 28
Mom: Well, that’s nice. Why don’t you come down stairs and share your hobby with some of the nice young girls down there.
Silver: Because they will most likely call me a freak.
Mom: No they wouldn’t and it would make me happy if you at least gave them a chance.
Silv: Fine. (descends to the bed) I’ll come.
Nathan looks upstairs and sees Silver following her mom down the stairs. He smiles.
Nath(wh): Found you

Page 29
Silver sits in a chair in a corner. She scans the crowded house through her hair which falls over her face. Nathan walks towards her.
Nath: Hi
Silver: (looks up) Hi, yourself
Nath: Whoa! Wicked Eyes.
Silver: (partial smile) Thank you
Across the room, Donald watches them both.

Page 30
Nath: (leaning against the wall) So, Silver what’s you’re deal? I mean, what do you like to do.
Silv: I like to study sorcery.
Nath: Really, could you show me some magic.
Silv: A sorceress never reveals her spells
Nath: (smiles)
Sam: Hey Nathan, don’t tell me you’re already offering her a membership. (approaches them followed by the rest of the crew)

Page 31
Sam: You don’t even know if she’ll fit in.
Silv: (hisses at Sam)
Sam: Ugh, she looks rabid
Nath: Aw Sam, looks can be deceiving
Silv: In my case, they’re not
Sam: (grimaces) Let’s go (leaves)
Nath: (follows her) Bye, Silver
Silv: Goodbye



Page 32
Night falls and the last family leaves. Mom is sitting down and dad collapses beside her.
Dad: I never knew neighbors could be so friendly.
Mom: (rests her head on her husbands shoulders) I think we fit in perfectly, don’t you.
Dad: (smiles)
Don: (walks past them with his shoulders slumped and a scowl on his face)
Mom: So how did your evening go, Donald dear.
Don: Fine (goes upstairs and slams his door)
Dad: (glances at wife) I’ll go talk to him

Page 33
Dad: (knocks on Donald’s door) May I come in son
Don: Yes
Dad: (enters)(Donald is lying on his bed with his face in the pillow) You know Donald, this move was not only beneficial for me but for your mother as well. You should at least try to cope with it. You’re making your mother and I very worried.
Don: I hate this place
Dad: Donald, don’t say hate because you may learn to love it here after a week or two. Don’t you think so, son?
Don: No, I wanna go back to my real home.


Page 24
Dad: This is your home know. And tomorrow you’ll start your first day of school.
Don: (groans and sits up to face his dad who is holding a uniform in his hand) What’s that?
Dad: Oh this, its your new uniform. You’re teacher dropped it by. (holds up uniform)
Don: (entire body cringes) Its…ugly. I’m not wearing it.
 
Last edited by a moderator:

mammamaia

Senior Member
sorry, doesn't do a thing for me... starts too slow, imo and heads downhill from there...

btw, the town name, 'los antonio,' is off... 'los' is the plural of 'the' and 'antonio' is a man's name... so, unless it's named after more than one 'spanish tony' [in which case it would have to be 'antonios'], it makes no sense...
 
S

Satori1

well, yeah, the town's name isn't my main concern. I plan to change that later...its just something I came up with at the moment. k. Its not really a fast-paced action packed story either so if you could give me some tips on how the pacing could be picked up, I would appreciate it. Thanks for your comment.
 

mammamaia

Senior Member
sorry, but this seems to be a comic book ms, not a play or film script, so i don't know why it's here in the 'scripts & plays' section... and i don't do comics, so really can't give you a valid opinion... even if i did, the format is not right and too hard to read...
 
S

Satori1

It is a comic book "script," and there is no particular format as long as the artist can read it. Anyway, I edited it, and I assure you it's definitely different, easier to read, and I cut out alot of stuff. I just want to know if the overall story is represented well.

Issue 1 (edited much)

Page
Afternoon-Donald and his family are driving in a small car towards their new home in the mountains. Donald’s father is in the driver’s seat and his mother sits beside him looking out the window with an annoyed expression. Sitting backwards in the car seat, with his arms folded across his chest, Donald glares through the back window.
Dad: (taps a tune against the steering wheel) Come now, son. We should be coming into town soon so try to have a behave pleasantly.
Donald: Hmph
Dad: (smiles) Your sister seems to be enjoying the ride.
Don: (glances at Silver)
Silv: (gives Don a flat glare)
Don: Do you really want to compare me to her?
Silv: Why not?
Don: Because you’re weird.
Silv: (smirks) I’ll show you weird. (flashes her black painted fingernails as she prepares to pounce on Donald)

Page 2
Donald’s mom becomes more irritated as her children pinch each others cheeks and whatever other body parts they can get to. Finally, she cracks.
Mom: (turns to back) Shut it up you two. (they continue to fight) Don’t make me come back there. (reaches in the back and tries to break them apart)
Dad: (lifts eyebrows and wears a amused expression because of the situation, and his wife’s behind which is flailing around in the air)(smiles) We’re here.
Kids and mother stop fighting to look at downtown.
Far shot of car entering town:
Don: Great, it’s a ghost town

Page 8
Inside a vintage clothing store in the downtown, Angela’s mother is picking out clothes. She glances at Angela who has her head bent towards the ground and her sons which are looking at a gutter.
Andy: (looking into gutter) I bet it goes to China
Ally: No actually…it goes to the underworld. I saw it on television.
Andy: Stop lying, Ally. It goes to China.
Ally: No, its true. And if you stare at it long enough, you will be able to see dead souls at the bottom.
Andy: (looks harder into gutter and hears water rushing at the bottom)(shivers)
Ally: (nudges him)
Ally: (falls onto gutter’s bars and screams)
Andy: (laughs, but stops when he sees car coming)

Page 9
Ang (wh): They’re here
The car swerves unsteadily as it comes towards them. Through the windows, they can see that Donald has his sister pinned against the seat, and his mother is yelling at both of them.
Mom: (yells) Donald, you let you’re sister go, right now.
Donald leans towards the window to look at Angela. Their gaze is broken by Silver who forces Donald off of her and they begin fighting again.
Andy: Whoa! Talk about your dysfunctional family, eh Angela.
Angela: (staring down the road at the disappearing car)
Andy: Angela
Andy cringes at the commotion which erupts inside the store behind him.

Page 10
Angela’s mom, Mrs. Loveless, bursts out onto the sidewalk, wearing the clothing store’s apparel. It’s owner, ranting in a foreign language, follows after her.
Love: Was that them?
Ang: (remains silent and steps away from mom)
Love: (shades eyes against the sun, trying to catch a glimpse of them) Oh Ange, I swear you’re completely useless most of the time. Don’t walk away from me. (catches Ange by the shoulder and presses her against her thighs) Now, tell mommy what you saw.
Ally: She saw nothing because she was too busy gawking at a boy in the car.
Mom: A boy? Your age I suppose. Well now…(wags her finger in Angela’s face) No, flirting for you until you’re your sisters age. (releases her)
Ang: (exhales)
Love: (yells) Amelia, come on, we gotta split.

Page 11
Aml: (exits store wearing a hat.) Mommy, don’t you think this hat looks just lovely on me.
The boys are already in the car and Angela is about to get in.
Mom: Yes dear, now get in the car.
Aml: (bumps into Angela as she squeezes past her and into the front seat)(smiles)
Owner: (rants)
Mom: Thanks for the clothes, just charge it to my account k. (winks eye at the store owner and zooms off) Love ya!
Owner: (folds arms and grumbles)

Page 12
Family, except for Donald, is standing outside the car admiring their new 1-story home. All enter house except for dad and Donald.
Dad: Donald, get out the car.
Don: (grumbles and grudgingly comes out) I’ll come out but I’m not going inside.
Dad: Fine, then you can sleep out here.
Don: (under breath) I’m looking forward to it
Dad: (turns away from Donald and goes inside)
Don: (kicks rocks) Stupid town…why did we hafta move…I was perfectly happy where I was. Just me and my crew. (sits down on steps)
Lady 1: (walks across lawn towards him with jello mould in hand) Hey there!
Don (th): Maybe if I close my eyes, everything will return to the way it was. (closes eyes)

Page 13
Lady 1: (standing over him) Wake up sonny-boy and lemme git a good look at’cha
Don: (opens eyes) Definitely not the way it was. (stands)
Lady 1: (examines him) Ah, now you’re a handsome fella. Bet your parents just as good-looking. They here?
Don: (while looking at her peculiarly) Mom, company!
Dad: (opens door) Hello!
Lady 1: (slaps Donald on the shoulder) Now, whaddit I tellya. (laughs)
Dad: I’m Mr. Trenton, please come in.
Lady 1: Don’t mind if I do. (walks inside home)

Page 14
Don: (grasps head and groans) Why me? (plunks down on steps and looks up)
Several other women, some with children, and all carry jell-o moulds, walk towards Donald.
Don: Oh look, there’s more of them. And they brought their spawns of evil.
The women completely disregard Donald and walk inside his house.
Don (th): Oh yeah, open invitation. Just walk right into my house…hey, did I say my house (notices there are now a group of whispering children looking at him)
Girl 1 (wh): He’s kinda mean lookin
Girl 2 (wh): Yeah, but he sure is cute
Don: Do you want something?
Group parts in the back.
Eins: Move it! Outta my way! I said move, people.
Don: (stands up to see who it is)

Page 15
Eins: (pushes himself through kids to Donald) Hello, maybe I can be of some assistance.
Don: (grimaces at his nerdish garb) Who are you?
Eist: My name is Einstein, the genius of this town, and I’ve come here to give you some information. But first…(turns attention to the kids) Go away, all of you. There’s nothing to see here.
Kids turn to leave.
Don: Why’re you telling them to go. (picks ears) I was hoping they’d like to play a game or something.
Hopeful, the kids turn back around.
Don: (smiles at them)
Eist: Oh ho. That’s just it. Around here, we don’t play games. It’s one of our “implied” rules. (gestures with hands)
Don: (glowers down at him)

Page 16
Don: (steps towards him) No, this is what’s it. Because I despise this town so much and I’m really in the mood for starting some trouble, I’m gonna make it my business to break every rule I can. Starting with this one.
Girl 1: See I told you he was scary.
Girl 2: Uh hn.
Eist: (shrinks) Alright, as long as it’s a quiet game.
Don: (smiles) Cool, we’ll play prison break. (places hand on Einstein’s shoulder) And you’re our first prisoner.
Eint: (forces a smile)

Page 17
Inside Angela’s home which is dimly lit and having few pieces of furniture including a television which is sitting on the floor. Loveless has a jell-o mould in hand and is preparing to leave out the front door.
Love: (yells) Alright kids, you all have fun doing whatever it is that you do. I’ll be back tonight. (steps out door and is surprised to see Nathan leaning against house) Oh, Nathan, you scared me.
Nath: Evening, Mrs. Loveless, is Amelia ready?
The rest of his crew silently watches them.
Love: I guess. Is she going somewhere?
Nath: Yeah, to that new family’s house.
Love: Well then, she’ll be out in a minute. You guys have fun. Bye. (walks away, swaying her hips)
Nath: Bye (smirks at his crew and they smile in return)

Page 18
Inside Angela’s house and this time, Angela’s preparing to leave.
Aml: (smoothes blouse) C’mon boys.
Boys come down hall.
Ally: We’re comin. I just had to get Andy dressed.
Aml: (opens door)
Ang(wh): Am I going?
Aml: No, you stay here. I wouldn’t want you to embarrass me in front of Na…(turns to see Nathan smiling at her) Hey, Nathan.
Ally and Amelia exit house.
Andy: (turns to Angela before leaving) I’ll bring back some jell-o for you, Ange.
Ange: (partly smiles)
Door closes and she is left in the dark house.

Page 19
Walking towards new neighbors’ home.
Nath: So, you ready to meet this new kid?
Aml: Yeah, I was born ready. (th) Even though this is my first time interviewing a new member. (grimaces) What is that awful noise?
Standing across the street from the new house they see a group of kids playing prison break. They kids are divided into two lines; everyone linking hands.
Kids: (unison yell) Prison Break!
Einstein runs across the field in a nerdish manner and tries to break the link but is repelled easily. Angela’s brothers grin at each other in amusement then turn to look back at Amelia.
Aml: (glowers at brothers)
Ron: (smoothly) Apparently, Einstein didn’t inform him of the rules.
A.J.: Yeah boss

Page 20
Nath: Then let’s pay our friend a visit
The two girls who have a crush on Donald prepare to call over the next prisoner.
Girl 2: I call..
Girl 1: (whispers in Girl 2’s ear)
Girl 2: (coyly) Donald!
Don: (looks down and smirks) Don’t think I’ll go easy on you.
Kids: (unison yell) Prison Break!
Don: (sprints towards them)
Girls: (giggle and try to hold their composer)
Girl 1: (looking towards street) Look
Girl 2: (looks)
They slowly release each other’s grip.

Page 21
Don: (Easily sprints through their hands, expecting resistance. He tries to slow himself down but ends up slipping and falling instead.)(gets up with fists clenched) The point of this game is to stop me from breaking through. (turns around) What part of that don’t you understand? (sees teen group and puts fist down)
Nath: Donald, is it.
Don: So, I see you’ve come for me. (looks down smirking to himself) I new Izzy would send the good word for me, I just didn’t expect you to come so quickly. (reaches out to shake his hand) It’s a pleasure to meet you.

Page 22
Nath: (looks down at his hand) Einstein.
Don: (embarrassed look and is still holding out his hand)
Eins: (cautiously breaks away from line) Yes boss
Nath: I thought I told you to tell him about the rules.
Eint: (approaches him) I did sir. (glares at Donald) But he wouldn’t listen.
Nath: A tough kid, I see.
Don: (lowers hand) Toughest around. I’m sure my previous leader told you of my accomplishments. I’ve been apart of three gangs and this will be my fourth…
Nath: What makes you so sure we’ve come here for you?

Page 23
Don: Well I…
Sam: We came here for your sister.
Don: (baffled beyond logical reason) My sister, what possibly could you want with her?
Ron: Our crew is only composed of teenagers. The real question is why would we need a kid like you.
A.J.: So is your sister in the house? Or not?
Don: (nods in surprise)
Nathan and his crew walks away.
Nath: And do us a favor, stop playing that silly little child’s game.
Don: (prepares to go after him but is subdued by kids)(rants) You’ll regret this!

Page 24
Aml: Cute kid.
Nath: He’s a little too stubborn for me but he’ll come around.
Crew: (smirks)
Nath: (opens door) Now, let’s find this girl.
Donald’s mom is at her daughter’s door.
Mom: (knocks on door) Its me, dear.
Silv: Come in
Mom: (enters the room which is dark so she flicks on the light)
Silver’s room is bare except for a bed, dresser, and a few boxes scattered around. Silver is laying on her bed.
What are doing in this dark room?

Page 25
Silv: Nothing
Mom: Well get up. I just saw a sweet group of teenager walk in and I’m sure they won’t mind your company.
Silv: Mom, I don’t do sweet teenagers.
Mom: Why not?
Silv: Because they’ll think I’m a freak.
Mom: (frowns) Silver Trenton, you get up out that bed now.
Silv: (grudgingly gets up)
Mom: (Come on. Grabs her by the hand and ushers her out the room.)

Page 26
The house is bustling with neighbors. A couch sits in the middle of the living room and a few folded chairs.
Mom (th): (looks down at Silver) I’m tired of you sulking around in your dark room all the time. If I’m going to grow accustomed to this new neighborhood, so will you. (stops a few yards from where Nathan’s crew is standing) There they are.
Nath: (looks up) There she is.
Silv: (whines) Mom
Mom: (glares sternly)
Silv: Fine, I’ll go.
Mom: That’s my girl

Page 27
Mom: (smiles at Silver who’s talking to Nathan)
Nath: So, we finally get to meet you. I’m Nathan. This is Sam, Ron, and A.J..
Silv: My name’s Silver.
Nath: Make her feel comfortably, Sam, and tell her the jest of our operations.
Aml: ( smiles at Nathan and links her arm around Silver’s) Well, to start with…
Mom: (walks away smiling)

Page 28
Night falls and the last family leaves. Mom is sitting down rubbing her temples and dad collapses beside her.
Dad: (exclaims) I never knew neighbors could be so friendly.
Mom: (moans) Mn. I need to take some pills.
Dad: (smiles)
Don: (walks past them with his shoulders slumped and a scowl on his face)
Mom: So how did your evening go, Donald.
Don: Fine (goes upstairs)
Dad: (glances at wife) I’ll go talk to him

Page 29
Dad: (knocks on Donald’s door) May I come in son
Don: Yeah, whatever.
Dad: (enters)(Donald is lying on his bed with his face in the pillow) You know Donald, I’m very proud of you for trying to cope with this town by playing with those children today.
Don: I hate this place
Dad: Well, that’s besides the point, this is your home know and tomorrow you’ll start your first day of school.
Don: (groans and sits up to face his dad who is holding a uniform in his hand) What is that?
Dad: Oh this, its your new uniform. You’re teacher dropped it by. (holds up uniform)
Don: (grimaces) I’m not…wearing that.
 
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N

Nails

While I have yet to get anything published in the comic book biz, I do have quite a lot of experience in writing comic scripts and thus I shall attempt to offer some insight:

A) You're really not giving the artist much to go on. Comics are a visual medium, and there ain't much there in terms of visuals. I'd recommend sitting down and doing a panel by panel description, because that's how I do it, but if you want to go page by page then at least provide a page worth of visuals. The first page, for example, gives only this to the artist:

"Afternoon-Donald and his family are driving in a small car towards their new home in the mountains. Donald’s father is in the driver’s seat and his mother sits beside him looking out the window with an annoyed expression. Sitting backwards in the car seat, with his arms folded across his chest, Donald glares through the back window."

Now that's a good description for one panel. Not a whole hell of a lot an artist can do with it for a whole page though, and even if they do come up with 4-6 ways to show people sitting in a car it's still not a very interesting image. After that it's like you got lazy and didn't provide ANY description. This really isn't a script at all, it's just written dialogue. I don't mean this to be a personal insult in any way, shape, or form, but no artist would ever waste their time with this.

Which brings us to B) Even reading between the lines of the dialogue, there aren't many interesting images. This seems more like a prose piece than a comic. There's nothing to grab the attention in the visuals, nothing interesting happening at all. Virtually no action, either.

C) Not a very interesting story, either. What you have here would probably make for a good first 3-4 pages of a first issue, but stretching it out over the whole issue is just boring

D) It's a non-standard page length. Most mini-series in comics are 32 pages long. Most monthly books are 22.

Having said that:

E) The writing is good! Though I'm not terribly interested in your story, and the script is rather hard to read and impossible to percieve visually, the writing is perfectly fine on a technical level. Your weaknesses are in the crafting of the script and its content, but you do have talent. With revisions to the story and tighter scrip formatting you should have no problem making this a damn entertaining book.


Just my two cents. Take it or leave it. :)
 
S

silver_melusine

In my opinion, this is a very well written script. I like it a lot. I have never written a script but in my opinion this is really good. Keep writing!
 

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