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Is This New Opening A Grabber? (1 Viewer)


I like it. It is very Name-of-the-Wind, darkened saloon/tavern sort of deal, which is great. A cool and compelling intro to Yarrod, who seems like a Roland of Gilead / Gunslinger type. You asked if it fits with the tone of the second part. I haven't got that in front of me, but it fits with my expectations in general of your stuff. Leaving aside a couple of typos, I would be inclined editorially to do two things here: one - not to over-edit and over-cut (I've pointed out where I think this occurs in green); and two: try not to over-metaphor
Nice. I'll get on those and press on with this new opener I think.


Slight rewrite:

The chair creaked as the stranger leant forward into the flickering saloon light, his mouth a dangerous path cut into the cliff of his face, teal eyes looking for a fight. He set his hat square, tightened its leather strap and returned his meaty hand to a tankard of ale.

“Yeah, I’m Yarrod,” He said to the man who had lowered the pianist’s fallboard. “What of it?”

Three other men held court in the centre of the saloon bar, a scowl flanked by two wet smiles. Their presence had silenced the revelry and sent patrons scurrying in all directions. A barman laid a shotgun on the bar, the jangle of disturbed shot glasses drawing Yarrod’s scrutiny a moment before it slipped back to the four men. Only the central figure carried any status, the other three boys in comparison, lavender scented soap and one flannelling away from a casket.

“We’ve just come from the Carmack Estate,” the central figure said, as if addressing a jury. He paused for a moment, the two escorts separating. One perched a buttock on a round table, plucking peanuts from a bowl, the other spun a chair and sat on it back to front, chin propped on its backrest. The cowboy by the piano moved in closer. “That’s a mighty unusual hat you have there,” he continued. “Black leather cowboy hat, trimmed by crow’s feet.” It sounded like a quote. He pulled his tailored jacket behind his holstered gun. “Something tells me you’re not even going to deny killing Joseph Mendo.”

“He was a goddamn Dannuk,” Yarrod said with a snarl. “Filth. A stinking aberration.”
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