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Is This Jump In Tone Too Much? (1 Viewer)

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TheMightyAz

Mentor
First of all I'll have to show the original scene and the tone I set there. This is after Tommy sees the Lemon Girl but she hasn't fully acknowledged him and didn't know his name:

The old oak trees, with their crooked trunks and crippled limbs, reached into the clearing, their shadows playing tag with sunbeams on starved earth, while the birch, outnumbered and strangled, looked like pale impostors jostled in the crush. Here and there, large flowers bloomed, leant away from the shade of the trees, hungry for the sun, while their daintier cousins poked out from the patchy grass, adding colour to the otherwise featureless enclave.

This is after the second encounter in which Tommy tries to tell the Lemon Girl his name and she writes a 'T' on the window to let him know she heard his shouts.

Ashton Woods sang a melody today. The light breeze - whispers of solitude - ruffled a bluebell sea, while foxglove sentinels, nodding each after the other from the weight of an industrious bumblebee, welcomed Tommy to their domain. Once the images of sorrow, oak and birch seemed eased of such burden, the creak and rasp a counterpoint to the songbirds flitting between their branches. It was the sun though that commanded the stage, flooded the sanctuary with blissful heat, and conjured vibrancy from the paleness of before.

I will likely add more but thought I'd check to see if this jump is over the top.
 
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MistWolf

Senior Member
If I may-

The old oak trees, with their crooked trunks and crippled limbs, reached into the clearing, their shadows playing tag with sunbeams on starved earth, while the birch, outnumbered and strangled, looked like pale impostors jostled in the crush. Here and there, large flowers bloomed, leant away the shade of the trees, hungry for the sun, while their daintier cousins poked out from the patchy grass, adding colour to the otherwise featureless enclave.


Ashton Woods sang a melody today. The light breeze - whispers of solitude - ruffled a bluebell sea, while foxglove sentinels, nodding one after the other from weight of an industrious bumblebee, welcomed Tommy to their domain.

I like the imagery
 

TheMightyAz

Mentor
If I may-

The old oak trees, with their crooked trunks and crippled limbs, reached into the clearing, their shadows playing tag with sunbeams on starved earth, while the birch, outnumbered and strangled, looked like pale impostors jostled in the crush. Here and there, large flowers bloomed, leant away the shade of the trees, hungry for the sun, while their daintier cousins poked out from the patchy grass, adding colour to the otherwise featureless enclave.


Ashton Woods sang a melody today. The light breeze - whispers of solitude - ruffled a bluebell sea, while foxglove sentinels, nodding one after the other from weight of an industrious bumblebee, welcomed Tommy to their domain.

I like the imagery

Do you think they match though? Or do you think the jump from one to the other is over the top? If this was in a novel, I'd have no problem but it's in a short story and these two scenes are around 5 - 6 pages apart.

edit: I never noticed you'd changed the second one. I like the edits. It's tighter.
edit: And the first one too. Yeah, I like both these edits.
 
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Foxee

Patron
Patron
Hard to tell excerpted from the story. If each one says what you want it to say where it is in the story, what's the issue?
 

TheMightyAz

Mentor
Hard to tell excerpted from the story. If each one says what you want it to say where it is in the story, what's the issue?

I was sure these would clash with some people. Is the second one perhaps a bit twee? It could be just me.
 

Foxee

Patron
Patron
I don't think it is. I think 'today' could be dropped since it can be assumed that whenever he's observing this it's 'today'. It's pretty and it flows. I like it.
 

SueC

Staff member
Senior Mentor
There are a lot of people who, for one reason or another, do not care for descriptions of surroundings. But you do so so beautifully that even the most die hard would have difficulty finding fault. Personally, I enjoy the fine details and - I've said this before - you do seem to have a gift for this type of writing. If your short story is all in the same vein, I think it would work. I could see the trees, the branches, the flowers very well, and I think that's your goal. How far along in the story are you? Maybe you could workshop it so we call see how this all plays out. Good job here.
Sue :)
 

TheMightyAz

Mentor
There are a lot of people who, for one reason or another, do not care for descriptions of surroundings. But you do so so beautifully that even the most die hard would have difficulty finding fault. Personally, I enjoy the fine details and - I've said this before - you do seem to have a gift for this type of writing. If your short story is all in the same vein, I think it would work. I could see the trees, the branches, the flowers very well, and I think that's your goal. How far along in the story are you? Maybe you could workshop it so we call see how this all plays out. Good job here.
Sue :)

Here's the story so far. I'm around 2/3 through:

https://www.writingforums.com/threads/191523-The-Glass-Tulip?p=2327656&viewfull=1#post2327656
 

EternalGreen

Senior Member
I enjoyed your writing. However, if I were to look for fault, I would say that your sentences are a little too long and try to fuse multiple mental pictures together. The oak trees should have their own sentence. So should the birch trees.

"Here and there," and "industrious" could probably be considered padding.
 

TheMightyAz

Mentor
I enjoyed your writing. However, if I were to look for fault, I would say that your sentences are a little too long and try to fuse multiple mental pictures together. The oak trees should have their own sentence. So should the birch trees.

"Here and there," and "industrious" could probably be considered padding.

I agree, yeah. Believe it or not, I've cut back quite a bit but feel I'm still asking too much of my sentences.
 

TheMightyAz

Mentor
The finished paragraph (for now)

Ashton Woods sang a melody today. The light breeze - whispers of solitude - ruffled a bluebell sea, while foxglove sentinels, nodding each after the other from the weight of an industrious bumblebee, welcomed Tommy to their domain. Once the images of sorrow, oak and birch seemed eased of such burden, the creak and rasp a counterpoint to the songbirds flitting between their branches. It was the sun though that commanded the stage, flooded the sanctuary with blissful heat, and conjured vibrancy from the paleness of before.
 

vranger

Staff member
Supervisor
First of all I'll have to show the original scene and the tone I set there. This is after Tommy sees the Lemon Girl but she hasn't fully acknowledged him and didn't know his name:

This is after the second encounter in which Tommy tries to tell the Lemon Girl his name and she writes a 'T' on the window to let him know she heard his shouts.

I will likely add more but thought I'd check to see if this jump is over the top.

You are WAY overthinking this. :) Just write it. You're doing fine.
 

bdcharles

Wɾ¡ʇ¡∩9
Staff member
Media Manager
They work for me, and seem to match. You might want to trim some of the text in the second one though, prune it down a bit.
 

TheMightyAz

Mentor
They work for me, and seem to match. You might want to trim some of the text in the second one though, prune it down a bit.

There are sections in the story that I WANT to almost touch upon 'purple'. I can't say why. It's story related. It's one of the main problems right now, hence me asking if these scenes are too far apart style wise.
 

bdcharles

Wɾ¡ʇ¡∩9
Staff member
Media Manager
There are sections in the story that I WANT to almost touch upon 'purple'. I can't say why. It's story related. It's one of the main problems right now, hence me asking if these scenes are too far apart style wise.

Lol, no justification for any enmauving needed ;)
 

Llyralen

Senior Member
It's the same place just a different day so a different feel which seems like real life to me. I think the only thing that would bother me or be jarring is if suddenly there were aspens or pines or something that wasn't growing there before which would be a mistake the author made that sometimes the reader catches. There's a famous book whose MC suddenly changes eye and hair color mid-book... but that's for a different day.

I was wondering with the first clip what the tall flowers were, and you supplied foxgloves in the second clip and it was like getting a question answered and satisfied. =)
 

TheMightyAz

Mentor
It's the same place just a different day so a different feel which seems like real life to me. I think the only thing that would bother me or be jarring is if suddenly there were aspens or pines or something that wasn't growing there before which would be a mistake the author made that sometimes the reader catches. There's a famous book whose MC suddenly changes eye and hair color mid-book... but that's for a different day.

I was wondering with the first clip what the tall flowers were, and you supplied foxgloves in the second clip and it was like getting a question answered and satisfied. =)

There is a reason for the two different perspectives. One is described when he's in a darker place and not observing, the other is when he's in a better place and IS observing.
 
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