Writing Forums

Writing Forums is a privately-owned, community managed writing environment. We provide an unlimited opportunity for writers and poets of all abilities, to share their work and communicate with other writers and creative artists. We offer an experience that is safe, welcoming and friendly, regardless of your level of participation, knowledge or skill. There are several opportunities for writers to exchange tips, engage in discussions about techniques, and grow in your craft. You can also participate in forum competitions that are exciting and helpful in building your skill level. There's so much more for you to explore!

Is The Punctuation Clear Here? (1 Viewer)

TheMightyAz

Mentor
It's a simple sentence and I don't want the order changed. It's done this way for a particular reason. What I want to know is should the bolded be in brackets or separated by emdasses? Or is it fine as is? And should that be 'laid'? It's past tense. For some reason it felt right like that:


'Although derelict inside, a battered couch, equally as abandoned, lay exhausted by the wall.'


Here's the full context for that last question:


[FONT=&quot]The farmhouse sagged in the field of overgrown grass, like a damp Yorkshire pudding, broken fencing and a collapsed well added little in the way of flavour. It was just there, abandoned and over seasoned, perfect for Josephine’s purposes. With only the birds and an inquisitive fox for company, her and her luggage could relax away the night.

[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Although derelict inside, a battered couch, equally as abandoned, lay exhausted by the wall. It was in good company, as its new guest plopped down, tested the springs and resigned herself to an uncomfortable night. Both she and the lumps soon stopped groaning, and the once idyllic abode resonated with bronchial snores.

[/FONT]
Silently, without so much as a sneeze, morning crept into the dusty interior, the fractured farmhouse door, no match for our light-fingered friend. Josephine stirred, groaned and manoeuvred her girth into the sitting position. Everything ached, particularly her legs, which unbeknownst to her had accrued many bruises.
 

vranger

Staff member
Supervisor
* lose the first comma, marked in red
* Where the bold B is needed a new sentence.
* "she" instead of "her" ... (her could relax) doesn't work
* "equally as" is redundant
* Where I bolded "by", the phrase didn't seem to make sense after the comma, so I replaced it with the "by". If it means something else, simply fix it according to your meaning, but the phrase as is needs clarity.



The farmhouse sagged in the field of overgrown grass
, like a damp Yorkshire pudding. Broken fencing and a collapsed well added little in the way of flavour. It was just there, abandoned and over seasoned, perfect for Josephine’s purposes. With only the birds and an inquisitive fox for company, she and her luggage could relax away the night.

Although derelict inside, a battered couch, equally as abandoned, lay exhausted by the wall. It was in good company, as its new guest plopped down, tested the springs and resigned herself to an uncomfortable night. Both she and the lumps soon stopped groaning, and the once idyllic abode resonated with bronchial snores.

Silently, without so much as a sneeze, morning crept into the dusty interior by the fractured farmhouse door, no match for our light-fingered friend. Josephine stirred, groaned and manoeuvred her girth into the sitting position. Everything ached, particularly her legs, which unbeknownst to her had accrued many bruises.
 

Bloggsworth

WF Veterans
In what way was the couch exhausted by the wall, did they run aroud a lot, or was it post coital lethargy...

Although derelict, abandoned inside, a battered couch lay against the wall.

or

Although derelict, abandoned against the inside wall there lay a battered couch.

But there is a problem with "Although derelict" as it references nothing in the succeding sentence, perhaps:

The building, though derelict, held abandoned inside a battered couch lying against the wall.


 
Last edited:

TheMightyAz

Mentor
Using commas looks fine to me - better than the other options. Lay is correct too (past tense, third person singular of 'to lie'.

Cheers, man. I thought it was right but for some reason, the more I read it the more it looked wrong. :) I'm glad you verified 'lay' too. I changed it to 'laid' ... whoops. :)
 

Phil Istine

WF Veterans
I still have some blind spots I can't 'instinctively' get right. 'whom' versus 'who' in another.

"Who" is the subject of a sentence and "whom" is the object. However, in our more modern era, who is often used when it should be whom. Sometimes it can sound a little pretentious to use whom, even when it's correct. I anticipate that linguistic evolution will see whom becoming archaic eventually except, perhaps, in set phrases. We already seem to be heading that way. I wrote a poem about that very subject a year or two back.
 

Matchu

Senior Member
You might clean the prose toward eye speed? You have your own style, I understand, but allow me to see.
....

The farmhouse like a damp Yorkshire pudding, broken fencing , a collapsed well. abandoned and perfect for Josephine’s purposes. birds and an inquisitive fox for company, she could relax away the night.

a battered couch, lay by the wall. its new guest plopped down, tested the springs and resigned herself to an uncomfortable night. Both she and the lumps soon stopped groaning, and the idyllic abode resonated with snores.

morning crept into the dusty interior, the fractured farmhouse door, no match for our light-fingered friend. Josephine stirred, manoeuvred her girth. Everything ached, particularly her legs, which unbeknownst to her had accrued many bruises.

(your words, undrafted toward sense)

 
Last edited:

Irwin

Senior Member
This isn't regarding the sentence in question but the contextual text.

With only the birds and an inquisitive fox for company, her and her luggage could relax away the night.

Should be she -- not her. Maybe do a re-org on the sentence, such as:

With only the birds, an inquisitive fox, and her luggage for company, she could relax away the night.​
 
Top