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Into the Night (1 Viewer)

2020Syd2020

Senior Member
Hello,

I have to say I really, enjoyed the sparsity of this piece, you are able to take the reader from A to B with minimal fuss and that directness is really potent.

This being said, I think certain phrases and the way in which you have voiced the piece can feel a little cliche, phrases such as “my soul cries,” or “cool stillness of night,” feel like lines I have read time and time again, but; it would not take a lot to twist them so that you say the same thing without feeling like it has been said before.

I think this piece could be strengthened further through a process of addition of subtraction, one example being, “in the bleak/cool stillness of night,” could possibly become, “in the cool of night,” why? Essentially you are saying the same thing as before, but in a blunter more potent manner.

Hope this helps you somewhat.

Cheers

Syd
 

petergrimes

Senior Member
Hi De-Anna - alright mate. Nice to meet you. I really like the atmosphere you create in this poem. I think

when all that filters through the darkness,
is silence,

is a really quality line. Really good. I agree with Syd in that I think the brevity really works well. I like short poems. There's a power in yours, a clarity. I think Syd's right that some of the phrases might have been used a fair amount. All the good stuff usually has. i reckon though if you can see a way in future to re-word the phrases Syd's pointed out, or re-imagine them in a way like you have with part above - well I think you'll come up with some not only really original stuff, but it will still have the sharpness and power of what you have here. I really like it. Great stuff. Cheers De-Anna, all the best, ta ra a bit PG
 
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