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Insomnia (1 Viewer)

Mickeyq

Member
Hi all,

I wrote this a long long time ago, I've always really struggled to get to sleep and found writing about it a healthy outlet. Would appreciate any feedback or comments as I haven't shared before.

Always been a toss and turner
Most feverish when I’m a burner
Falling down through sweat soaked sheets
Dreading who I dare to meet
The broken film won’t ever stop
An endless sea I cannot mop
It always takes a giant leap
To contemplate the thought of sleep
Unhelpful people voice concerns
“Just lie down and you will learn”
“How about you close your eyes?”
“Leave hello’s, welcome the byes”
If by luck, the snoozing takes me
The residue of boozing wakes me
Whether self-inflicted, ill or stress
Night holds a long and weary test
Despite the fuss, when morning breaks
I can take a dip in sunlight’s lakes
I keep a log of thoughts I caught
Lest I forget the truth I thought
For those that that listen please take heed
Belief in dreams will make minds bleed
Never take your truth from kip
Lest false truth you wish to grip
 

2020Syd2020

Senior Member
Hello,

I think I’m terms of rhythm and flow the couplets work well and don’t feel forced, for me the rhyme does well to create this feel of trying to lull yourself back to sleep, that’s a really nice device.

I would like a little more space in this, perhaps break it up into stanzas and couplets just to allow the reader some room.

Cheers

Syd
 

Annie. Marie

Senior Member
I agree with syd. Usually I dislike reading rhymes so alternating, but you did it in a way that seems very natural and smooth. All of your lines are left with lasting meaning, which I find hard to do when I'm stuck by the limitations of rhyming.

For my edit, you repeating "that" in L21 and I also agree with Sydnis about the stanzas.

Keep sharing!

-Annie
 

ritudimrinautiyal

Senior Member
Hi all,

I wrote this a long long time ago, I've always really struggled to get to sleep and found writing about it a healthy outlet. Would appreciate any feedback or comments as I haven't shared before.

Always been a toss and turner
Most feverish when I’m a burner
Falling down through sweat soaked sheets
Dreading who I dare to meet
The broken film won’t ever stop
An endless sea I cannot mop
It always takes a giant leap
To contemplate the thought of sleep
Unhelpful people voice concerns
“Just lie down and you will learn”
“How about you close your eyes?”
“Leave hello’s, welcome the byes”
If by luck, the snoozing takes me
The residue of boozing wakes me
Whether self-inflicted, ill or stress
Night holds a long and weary test
Despite the fuss, when morning breaks
I can take a dip in sunlight’s lakes
I keep a log of thoughts I caught
Lest I forget the truth I thought
For those that that listen please take heed
Belief in dreams will make minds bleed
Never take your truth from kip
Lest false truth you wish to grip

Lovely theme. It too feels like a song.

Thanks for sharing.

Ritu
 
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