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I Think There’s a Flaw in My Code (1 Viewer)

mybleedingkeyboard

Senior Member
**Trying out a different style of writing. Be gentle on me**

Copper hands touched
Midas hearted,tarnished up
Peek beneath shadows casted
Sink below heavy doubts
Spinning night away
Morning slips between silver clouds

Rabid tongues tie knots
Heavy inside foggy mouths
Whisper while hairs stand on end
Where nothing begins
Only present, only playing pretend

I’m wearing your favorite shirt
Bleached with frayed edges
Aware, we’re only built to end

So dull those knives
Pointed with intent
Boring endless holes
Halving ourselves
Dying, conjuring up amends

Seeking out words
Just bandaids sheltering wounds
Screaming secrets
Burying hardened truths

So walk away
Feet slammed against gravel
Downing roads opened
Just to let memories go

The skyline morphs
A tainted hue of copper
Violent reminders
How your hands tarnished
A heart so rare
Never belonging to you
 
Last edited:

Darkkin

WF Veterans
Lots of imagination and verve, but focus seems to be a bit of an issue...(That being said...)

Those opening lines really don't make a lot of sense. Too much action for no grounded subject. Is Midas, actually referring to Midas or describing a type of personal greed. e.g. Midas hearted. Thusly making it an adjective. (Excellent discription, but awkward as to its placement...) Also, what are the hands even touching? There are no discernable direct objects, lending structure or purpose to the opening of the piece. That first stanza is chaos. Read aloud, because if the reader cannot figure it out, they will stop reading. There is no workable context to stem a flood of disjointed, albeit promising images.

Consider starting with S3, S7, S6. Read those three stanzas aloud, in that order, without the others. Close on the walking away. S1,2,4,5 are struggling to add anything workable to the piece, good imagery, no function. Right now there is too much going on. Another option open with S7 and work from the end back. By grounding the context with a pronoun, it grounds the reader and gives an identifiable path to the piece. In this case the Midas theme, with context, something that is missing in S1.

S1: Seven verbs in six lines, a couple that are incorrectly conjugated or oddly placed...e.g. casted, should be cast...(this is editing 101).

The piece is going in circles with basic mechanics, prespective, and grammar. Start with either the shirt or the heart. If the heart is the message start with S7 and remove S3 because the perspective switch does not offer any clarity to the situation. Keep the 2nd person perspective and focus on the message, not a somewhat disconnect image of the I. S7 is by far and away the strongest stanza. Consider leading with it...(S3 could honestly be used in its own piece. While a strong stanza, it is curiously out of sync with the current piece.)

Decide which ideas (images) are the strongest and consider a very tough edit. A zillion images, no cohesion. It is more a list of illustrative motions than functioning piece at this point. The Midas angle has great promise, but needs focus and some careful thought put into it. The deliberate use of a metal other than gold, is a clever idea.. Copper works, but it is still a semi precious metal, something like iron pyrite with all of the shine and little value would have more impact with the tarnished heart message.

Be conscious of the fact one of the most common dangers of poetry is overwriting. Trying too hard to shove too much into too small an area. A simple case of too may good ideas. Take some time. Decide what the piece really needs to say. Take a deep breath, a step back, and open with the desired subject (noun/pronoun), don't bring it in as an after thought. Even as abstract as it is, poetry does follow an A to B course. Give the mouth, tongue, feet, and hands to the tarnisher of the heart and it will be a huge step in minimising the ungrounded context. (Link them to the pronoun your, and the message becomes clear.)

Right now, there are tongues, mouths, feet, hands and it is hard to tell who owns what. Reduce the numbers, by removing the pluralizations on things like mouths and tongues that are singular among individuals.

An example of grounded context:

e.g.

That rabid tongue
reduces truth to
a malicious fog

the damp of your
stone calloused hand
corruption's catalyst
rooted in a pyrite heart


Consider partnering with one of the poetry mentors, they are here to help. There are some great images here, they just need some sorting and focus, so the reader can find the forest and still appreciate the trees.

- D.
 
Last edited:

2020Syd2020

Senior Member
Hello,

I think Darkkin, has left you with some seriously good advice and I don’t have much to add to it. What I will say is this, I think that some of the imagery is strong I really like “tongues tie knots [...] mouths,” for me I think that you need to tie something in the piece to reality or purpose, otherwise what you have is a lot of imagery for imagery’s sake.

What is the author trying to say, and how can they say it but still keep the interesting imagery etc.

Hope this helps you somewhat

Cheers

Syd
 

Firemajic

Poetry Mentor
Staff member
Senior Mentor
**Trying out a different style of writing. Be gentle on me**

Copper hands touched
Midas hearted,tarnished up
Peek beneath shadows casted
Sink below heavy doubts
Spinning night away
Morning slips between silver clouds

Rabid tongues tie knots
Heavy inside foggy mouths
Whisper while hairs stand on end
Where nothing begins
Only present, only playing pretend

I’m wearing your favorite shirt
Bleached with frayed edges
Aware, we’re only built to end

So dull those knives
Pointed with intent
Boring endless holes
Halving ourselves
Dying, conjuring up amends

Seeking out words
Just bandaids sheltering wounds
Screaming secrets
Burying hardened truths

So walk away
Feet slammed against gravel
Downing roads opened
Just to let memories go

The skyline morphs
A tainted hue of copper
Violent reminders
How your hands tarnished
A heart so rare
Never belonging to you


Although I agree with the above critique and comments, I LOVE this poem! Love the unique imagery, but imagery, no matter how fabulous MUST enhance your message...

If this were my poem, I would open with stanza 3, this [jmo] would pull your reader right in the the center of the emotion in this poem, then move on to stanza 6... so your poem would start like this:

I'm wearing your favorite shirt
bleached with frayed edges
aware, we're only built to end

So walk away
feet slammed against gravel
downing roads opened
just to let memories go

I hope this helps, this is a beautiful poem, you just need to give your reader something to connect with and pull them into the moment and emotion you so beautifully express....
 
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Reactions: PiP

mybleedingkeyboard

Senior Member
So I did a serious edit. I don’t know if I like that I kept Midas involved only because I feel like it’s a strong concept that I never really fulfill. But here’s what I’ve got.
____________________________

I’m wearing your favorite shirt
Bleached with frayed edges
Hidden underneath it
A Midas heart you tarnished
Unforgiven
Aware, we were only built to end

Walk away
With feet slamming against gravel
Downing roads opened
How seldom they are traveled

Your knives dull in me
But they are pointed with intent
Boring endless holes
Halving ourselves
Dying to conjure up amends

Your rabid tongue ties knots
Heavy inside my foggy mouth
Seeking out words
Merely bandaids sheltering wounds
You’re screaming secrets
And burying hardened truths

Whisper while my hairs stand on end
Where nothing begins
I’m only present
When you’re playing pretend

Spin the nights away
Mourning slips between silver clouds
As the skyline morphs
A tainted hue of copper
Violent reminders
How you tarnished a heart
So rare
That never belonged to you
 

2020Syd2020

Senior Member
I definitely think that you’re heading in the right direction with this re-write, but; I still think you’re including imagery for the sake of it, I think you could cut half of this and have a really potent piece that says the same thing in fewer words.

I also think that the lack of punctuation, detracts from the piece as I don’t think the enjambement is doing enough to create breaks in the piece for the reader.

To finish on a positive, like I said in my first post on this, I think the imagery is great, I think that you have created something emotive but I just think you need refine it a little.

Hope this helps

Cheers

Syd
 

PiP

Staff member
Co-Owner
So I did a serious edit. I don’t know if I like that I kept Midas involved only because I feel like it’s a strong concept that I never really fulfill. But here’s what I’ve got.
____________________________

I’m wearing your favorite shirt
Bleached with frayed edges
Hidden underneath it
A Midas heart you tarnished
Unforgiven
Aware, we were only built to end

Walk away
With feet slamming against gravel
Downing roads opened
How seldom they are traveled

Your knives dull in me
But they are pointed with intent
Boring endless holes
Halving ourselves
Dying to conjure up amends

Your rabid tongue ties knots
Heavy inside my foggy mouth
Seeking out words
Merely bandaids sheltering wounds
You’re screaming secrets
And burying hardened truths

Whisper while my hairs stand on end
Where nothing begins
I’m only present
When you’re playing pretend

Spin the nights away
Mourning slips between silver clouds
As the skyline morphs
A tainted hue of copper
Violent reminders
How you tarnished a heart
So rare
That never belonged to you

Hi and welcome to WF. I like the revision :)

When you edit a poem it is best to add the revised version to the opening post.~ and then post a comment 'Revision up' or something similiar :)

here is an example
https://www.writingforums.com/threads/190614-Swallowed-Whole
(okay, the example is in the Poetry Workshop but once you've made ten posts you will see exactly what I mean)
 

Firemajic

Poetry Mentor
Staff member
Senior Mentor
**Trying out a different style of writing. Be gentle on me**

Copper hands touched
Midas hearted,tarnished up
Peek beneath shadows casted
Sink below heavy doubts
Spinning night away
Morning slips between silver clouds

Rabid tongues tie knots
Heavy inside foggy mouths
Whisper while hairs stand on end
Where nothing begins
Only present, only playing pretend

I’m wearing your favorite shirt
Bleached with frayed edges
Aware, we’re only built to end

So dull those knives
Pointed with intent
Boring endless holes
Halving ourselves
Dying, conjuring up amends

Seeking out words
Just bandaids sheltering wounds
Screaming secrets
Burying hardened truths

So walk away
Feet slammed against gravel
Downing roads opened
Just to let memories go

The skyline morphs
A tainted hue of copper
Violent reminders
How your hands tarnished
A heart so rare
Never belonging to you

So I did a serious edit. I don’t know if I like that I kept Midas involved only because I feel like it’s a strong concept that I never really fulfill. But here’s what I’ve got.
____________________________

I’m wearing your favorite shirt
Bleached with frayed edges
Hidden underneath it
A Midas heart you tarnished
Unforgiven
Aware, we were only built to end

Walk away
With feet slamming against gravel
Downing roads opened
How seldom they are traveled

Your knives dull in me
But they are pointed with intent
Boring endless holes
Halving ourselves
Dying to conjure up amends

Your rabid tongue ties knots
Heavy inside my foggy mouth
Seeking out words
Merely bandaids sheltering wounds
You’re screaming secrets
And burying hardened truths

Whisper while my hairs stand on end
Where nothing begins
I’m only present
When you’re playing pretend

Spin the nights away
Mourning slips between silver clouds
As the skyline morphs
A tainted hue of copper
Violent reminders
How you tarnished a heart
So rare
That never belonged to you

I love the changes you have made and I really like the way you edited stanza 2, just changing the last line of stanza 2 makes such an impact and gives your reader a coherent message...and a clear emotion and strengthens the dark melancholy vibe..

Last 3 lines... killer! "tarnished a heart"... lovely...

I was wondering... how do you feel about the changes you have made?
 

mybleedingkeyboard

Senior Member
I love the changes you have made and I really like the way you edited stanza 2, just changing the last line of stanza 2 makes such an impact and gives your reader a coherent message...and a clear emotion and strengthens the dark melancholy vibe..

Last 3 lines... killer! "tarnished a heart"... lovely...

I was wondering... how do you feel about the changes you have made?

I feel like the changes I made were necessary and the feedback I got was very enlightening. Maybe in some ways the original piece was an”idea board” that just needed to be properly structured.

Rewrites are new for me as usually I’m very adamant that I only edit my work based off my own ideas on how I can improve the piece. But this has definitely been a fun learning experience. I appreciate you all dearly.
 

Firemajic

Poetry Mentor
Staff member
Senior Mentor
I feel like the changes I made were necessary and the feedback I got was very enlightening. Maybe in some ways the original piece was an”idea board” that just needed to be properly structured.

Rewrites are new for me as usually I’m very adamant that I only edit my work based off my own ideas on how I can improve the piece. But this has definitely been a fun learning experience. I appreciate you all dearly.

I can understand why you only edit your work based on your own ideas, you know what you want to express, and that is cool... if you are only writing for yourself, but if you are going to share your poem, and you want your readers to connect with your message, then it is crucial to have feedback, you will always have control of your message, and use the critique as you see fit...you will know if a critique enhances your message... ;)
 
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