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I Drove Past Your Work (1 Viewer)

I haven't written poetry before and am just curious if there is any value in this.

I drive past your work almost everyday,
You work at the register in front of the window
and sometimes it feels like you planned it that way.
I could never see you
I wondered if you quit, until tonight.
My glance was passing, but you I couldn't miss,
You wore a grey sweatshirt
One I hadn't seen before,
But your face was obstructed and lacked all detail
So I turned left and hoped you wouldn't move.
I parked at the store across the street,
I wished the street wasn't so wide, I wanted to be closer to you.
A customer walked in and I watched as you rung him up,
You used to tell me about customers,
Angry with their impatience and stupidity,
You hated your job, but I loved to listen to you complain.
I called you almost two months ago,
I had to ask about your work
I wanted to hear you complain.
But your stories were subtle
You spoke with no passion and used no obscenities,
I didn't get to hear you complain.
I sat in the car and watched you answer the phone,
You looked so warm and familiar,
The caller was surely rude and it was late and you were tired
But I won't get to hear you complain.
 

rcallaci

Staff member
Administrator
Yes there is value in this--- I hope this is a piece on stalking-because it has an ominous feel to it. You do need to trim the piece take out some of the redundancies. Your use of the narrative style is solid. For a first try this is very good. A disturbingly good piece on stalking and obsession.

Keep writing poetry, get familiar with the poetic tools at hand, alliteration, assonance, enjambment, form poetry, free verse, rhyme schemes , formatting, poetic styles, tell and show, and many others at hand to numerous to mention.- read other poets and be patient. Another key factor in learning the craft is to accept and be willing to learn from constructive criticism. Also try your hand a critiquing- believe it or not when you critique other poets work in a professional manner it helps you hone your own skills.

welcome to poets showcase

warmest
bob
 
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