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I Don't Do Drugs (1 Viewer)

I think the ending makes the whole piece fall a little flat. It seems a little tooo cliche to have it seem like he awakens to realise it was all a bad dream.

I like the fact that the main character sees other people as mannequins. Although I think that if we the audience realise that the mannequins are actually people before he does, this may have a more disturbing effect as we realise that everytime a mannequin is smashed, etc, we know it is actually a real person dying.

I feel the message at the end comes across too strongly as some sort of anti-drugs advert which I think is uneccessary as the events within the script are enough to get across this anti-drugs message.
 

patskywriter

WF Veterans
I enjoyed the use of music. I wish the lighting were better, but I understand this wasn't a high-budget production. Good job! If you can, fix the word "Staring" at the beginning; I'm sure you meant to say "Starring."
 

GonneLights

Senior Member
Well... I don't really like it because I am an experienced drug user and as such find any anti-drug message patronising, ahaha. But, the premise is alright; my qualms with any anti-drugs campaign is that they're far too extreme. Like those 'Meth: Not Even Once' adverts, faaaarrrr too extreme. And this sort of echoes that; the drug you have described is not speed. Speed makes you need to DO THINGS. He may accidentally run someone over, but it's more likely he would have had the reflexes to dodge him, and speed has never made anyone think all their friends were mannequins. Alright, I get that it's symbolic, but when you're talking about drugs it's not symbolic, not to the people who see it.

The drug you've described is PCP. Nobody in their right mind would take PCP. And no other drug has this effect on people. You could hit forty sheets of acid and smoke a house of methamphetamine, you wouldn't do this. Most hallucinogens are too inabilitating, you couldn't kill your friends if you wanted to, and amphetamines don't change your personality at all, those crackheads that go out killing already went out killing. And everyone in the drug world knows this, everyone in the drug world will recognise the only thing this film can pertain too is PCP; nobody outside the drug world knows what PCP is, but they know that speed doesn't do this, and everyone inside the drug world doesn't take PCP.

So, I really don't think it will have the desired effect. But, the premise of dehumanising the people around you is good, and you're... Well, not the first to have done that, but the first to have done it from an anti-drugs perspective. On the influence of some drugs you will feel like the people around you aren't real, and that can be very damaging, not for them, you won't get violent, but for you. And you may very well metaphorically kill these unreal people off, and wind up in your own metaphorical prison, so, I like it from that angle. But it's just too much, man, too much, too much. I can't get into it.

But, I'm the sort of person you're warding people away from, so don't listen to my criticism, hahaha. And well done on actually going out and doing it, it's really cool that you've been able to manifest this.
 

BruceDowns

Senior Member
Terence Champion,

I think the ending makes the whole piece fall a little flat. It seems a little tooo cliche to have it seem like he awakens to realise it was all a bad dream.

maybe it didn't come out as i planned, when he wakes up at his desk it's still part of the sleep deprived drug induced hallucination. When he wakes up in the hospital is when he actually comes too. Please watch it again and see if it makes sense now. Thanks.

Zombie Party Draft2 - YouTube
 

BruceDowns

Senior Member
Hi Everyone thanks for watching the second edit. Below are the final edits. Thanks for your feedback.

:30 Typo - starring instead of staring (need to color balance this scene)

2:59 Can't hear dialogue - Turn up “this will have to do” just a little

3:41 Need to color balance

4:20 Need to setup the fact that someone is using their home camera... Shot of that person with camera... or Put a flashing REC with safe title markers like would be in a home camera viewfinder. Too drastic a jump from filmic to home camera.

6:00 lip sync is a bit off

6:53 Sound fx, please use the same “thump” sound of boy getting hit by car as you used at 10:12

7.30 needs some close-ups to break up the scene. Too long on wide shot

7:47 add zombie sound fx of boy on top of girl (hungry zombie type fx)

8:19 add zombie sound fx when Alice is getting attacked by zombies

8:51 bad lighting - try to fix in color correction

9:20 Audio - take out low rumble of air handlers, or overdub with new audio needs some closeups to break up scene

10:00 Shorten the driving sequence.

10:56 add impact hit followed by background screaming/crying from partygoers

11.18 dialogue is lost in music. Can't hear lines. Also add Alice screaming (we have a lot of clips of her screaming/crying)

11:22 add background screaming/crying with each hit – it doesn’t have to be to loud

11.30 Lighten up the background faces in color correction.... can't see reactions. (trust your judgment on this)

11:41 Do you think we should add a thump sound when Jake gets tackled to give the impression that he hit his head and was knocked out?

While Jake is getting tackled add Alice crying sound from 11:40 on until the hospital cut

12.00 Shorten sequence.. Needs to be lightened up.

13.34 Clean up audio

13.37 audio out of sync

13:53 Cut just before the camera shakes.

Credits:
Typo - Psychiatric nurse instead of Psychiatic nurse
Typo - Psychiatric aide instead of Psychiatic aide
Typo - Stunt choreography instead of Stund choreograpyhy
Typo - Makeup instead of Make-up - spelled both ways in credits.
Typo - all the songs have WRITEN instead of written Sam's Club, not Sam Club.
 

Taknovrthewrld

Senior Member
Seems like a solid 'quick flick'. You should hook up with an amateur director and have it made. I'm sure you could rig up the special effects for the mannequins.
 

Easee

Senior Member
CLOSE UP OF STUDY BOOK & FADE OUT:
Unless you plan on directing this, I would refrain from using camera directions like close up, fade in and out (except the very beginning and very end.)
Of Jake turning the page from 10 to 11
You don't need ...Of Jake, just ...Jake turns the page from 10 to 11

Camera pans the desk showing S.A.T. study books, half empty cup of coffee pause camera on study book showing page 30. Pan up to Jake’s face nodding and fighting sleep then camera pans down to study book.
Again, see above. A script shouldn't have camera direction in it, that's the director's job.

Jake
(talking to himself, frustrated) I'd refrain from doing this too much, let the dialogue tell the actors how to act.
The biggest test of my life and I can’t stay awake, and now I’m popping speed at my own house when my parents are downstairs.

Jake
(Pissed off) We don't need the pissed off notification, because he's saying I'm going to kick his ass. We know he's pissed off.
I’m going to kick his ass.

Steve
(With a mischievous smirk tells to his friend) Same thing, I'm not doing this to be a jerk, but actors don't like this.
This is going to be fun.

INT. JAKE’S BEDROOM – NIGHT

Jake hangs up his cell phone, appears to be more awake and angry, <--- describe how he looks when he's awake and angry throws on a jacket and sneaks out of his room and down the stairs to the kitchen. Parents are in the family room, dad asleep on the sofa and mom sitting on the chair watching TV. Jake grabs his car keys and sneaks out the front door. Is the family room close to the door? Wouldn't mom hear?

INT.JAKE’S CAR – NIGHT

Jake is anxious, driving in a hurry to the field party. <--- This is hard to imagine from a director's POV. An example of how it could be fixed would be; Jake wipes sweat from his brow. EXT. WINDING FIELD ROAD - NIGHT Jake's car whips around a corner. While driving he receives a text message, it’s a picture of his Alice sitting on a log with John’s arm around her. Jake is now extremely angry, slams his fist on the dash and speeds up.

While driving he looks back over his shoulder because they appear to him as mannequins. <--- Again, this is near impossible for a director to convey. The audience can't see how they appear to him. Another way would be to have it say, Jake looks over his shoulder and sees three mannequins. While looking back he hears a thump and his car rides over a bump. Again, try to avoid character POV thoughts and senses. There's a loud thump, as his car rides over a bump. Easy to fix. :chuncky:

While the police are walking him to the police car Jake sees all the people who he thought were lifeless mannequins laying on the ground were actually his classmates with blood everywhere. As the police car is leaving Jake sees the EMS arriving. Cool development here! Nice action, interesting twist.


Title “Don’t do Drugs” appear on the scene like a police blotter then underneath it shows the following text. <--- Title's are fine as long as they are part of the story. Example; Three weeks later, 1973 etc. So in this case totally legit.
Jake was tried as an adult and sentenced to life in prison without parole for the murders of 4 classmates and friends including his best friend Steve.

I think it's better as a story without the repeat of the beginning, but hey it's your story, don't let me tell you anything.

One thing to keep in mind for scripts is to imagine if you are reading your script as a director. Think from a reader's perspective, "If I had to make this into a movie, would it be hard or easy? Can I visualize this? Is this something the audience can see?"

Cool story though, very different.

I'm seeing now, that you were in fact directing it, so ignore any comments about camera direction. Oops.
 

farefar

Senior Member
I love the script. The only thing I would change is the "dont do drugs" bit. My reasoning being that we as the audience can already see the reason why Jake is in this mess. He popped speed. However when you then use text to deliver an already delivered message it becomes redundant. Kids hate to be told what to do. The message is better delivered without the text. Other than that I loved it.
 

Eliyahu

Member
Not that I would know first hand or anything but speed generally does not make you hallucinate in such a drastic way.

Have you considered making it about "bath salts" instead? It would go more nicely with your zombie theme IMO.
 

BruceDowns

Senior Member
Hi Guys, here's the final short film of my script, now titled “Zombie Party, PSA”. We got lucky because the guy that we cast as the lead is a principal actor in the new Harrison Ford movie “Ender’s Game” which is in post-production. I directed it myself but I have a lot to learn, lol!!! Take a look and let me know what you think. Thanks.
Zombie Party, PSA - YouTube
 

Staff Deployment

WF Veterans
I read the first post and remembered seeing that concept before.

Here it is:
[video]http://m.youtube.com/#/watch?v=La6T8Bq6CsU&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DLa6T8Bq6CsU[/video]

I'm fairly certain it isn't the uploaders original content, however. Regardless, it has nearly a million views and has been very well recieved.
 
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