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I think the ending makes the whole piece fall a little flat. It seems a little tooo cliche to have it seem like he awakens to realise it was all a bad dream.
CLOSE UP OF STUDY BOOK & FADE OUT:
Unless you plan on directing this, I would refrain from using camera directions like close up, fade in and out (except the very beginning and very end.)
Of Jake turning the page from 10 to 11
You don't need ...Of Jake, just ...Jake turns the page from 10 to 11
Camera pans the desk showing S.A.T. study books, half empty cup of coffee pause camera on study book showing page 30. Pan up to Jake’s face nodding and fighting sleep then camera pans down to study book.
Again, see above. A script shouldn't have camera direction in it, that's the director's job.
(talking to himself, frustrated) I'd refrain from doing this too much, let the dialogue tell the actors how to act.
The biggest test of my life and I can’t stay awake, and now I’m popping speed at my own house when my parents are downstairs.
(Pissed off) We don't need the pissed off notification, because he's saying I'm going to kick his ass. We know he's pissed off.
I’m going to kick his ass.
(With a mischievous smirk tells to his friend) Same thing, I'm not doing this to be a jerk, but actors don't like this.
This is going to be fun.
INT. JAKE’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Jake hangs up his cell phone, appears to be more awake and angry, <--- describe how he looks when he's awake and angry throws on a jacket and sneaks out of his room and down the stairs to the kitchen. Parents are in the family room, dad asleep on the sofa and mom sitting on the chair watching TV. Jake grabs his car keys and sneaks out the front door. Is the family room close to the door? Wouldn't mom hear?
INT.JAKE’S CAR – NIGHT
Jake is anxious, driving in a hurry to the field party. <--- This is hard to imagine from a director's POV. An example of how it could be fixed would be; Jake wipes sweat from his brow. EXT. WINDING FIELD ROAD - NIGHT Jake's car whips around a corner. While driving he receives a text message, it’s a picture of his Alice sitting on a log with John’s arm around her. Jake is now extremely angry, slams his fist on the dash and speeds up.
While driving he looks back over his shoulder because they appear to him as mannequins. <--- Again, this is near impossible for a director to convey. The audience can't see how they appear to him. Another way would be to have it say, Jake looks over his shoulder and sees three mannequins. While looking back he hears a thump and his car rides over a bump. Again, try to avoid character POV thoughts and senses. There's a loud thump, as his car rides over a bump. Easy to fix. :chuncky:
While the police are walking him to the police car Jake sees all the people who he thought were lifeless mannequins laying on the ground were actually his classmates with blood everywhere. As the police car is leaving Jake sees the EMS arriving. Cool development here! Nice action, interesting twist.
Title “Don’t do Drugs” appear on the scene like a police blotter then underneath it shows the following text. <--- Title's are fine as long as they are part of the story. Example; Three weeks later, 1973 etc. So in this case totally legit.
Jake was tried as an adult and sentenced to life in prison without parole for the murders of 4 classmates and friends including his best friend Steve.