Writing Forums

Writing Forums is a privately-owned, community managed writing environment. We provide an unlimited opportunity for writers and poets of all abilities, to share their work and communicate with other writers and creative artists. We offer an experience that is safe, welcoming and friendly, regardless of your level of participation, knowledge or skill. There are several opportunities for writers to exchange tips, engage in discussions about techniques, and grow in your craft. You can also participate in forum competitions that are exciting and helpful in building your skill level. There's so much more for you to explore!

Hunters: Dark Haven (1 Viewer)

Zabobula

Senior Member
Howdy, this is a story that I finished a couple months back and decided to post here in the forums. This seemed like the appropriate forum to post in so check it out.

Brief Synopsis: Hunters is a dark action title that takes place in the fictional city known as Byron City. Byron City itself is made up of two regions: Upper City and Lower City. It is a tale of control between the politically corrupt and the criminally crooked. Mainly focused on a specific group of criminals; bounty hunters or just simply Hunters as they're known by in the story. This is their tale...enjoy. :shock:
Hunters
Dark Haven



Prequel I: The Underground…

Byron City: A massive metropolitan cesspool where corruption is
commonplace and crime is customary. It is a place where the evils of man run
amuck and the good and righteous have no say and no position. The city is
divided into two regions separated by water: Upper City and Lower City.
Upper City would be the most fitting place to live but malevolence
and wickedness hide in plain sight. You wouldn’t be able to tell friend from
foe. The politically crooked and corporately dishonest rule this side of a
seemingly substantial conurbation.

And then there is Lower City, a name properly befitting its standard
of living and high crime rate. You’d disappear here and no one would care to
mention it. Drug lords and crime kingpins rule the Lower City. The low-class
and the poor are forced to take desperate measures since the leaders on top
refuse to lend a hand to this perpetually decaying underworld. Underworld
being a suitable name for such a place. Those who live here have been
oppressed by the crime for so long that they have gotten used to it. It has
become a home where they can’t escape…the Underground.


Prequel II: Beginning of the Beginning

A man wakes up and rises to his feet looking around in a room that
is completely destroyed. The ceiling above him has caved in allowing him
to see part of the roof and the night sky, and the floor around him is covered in smoke and
debris. He begins to look around and starts thinking to himself:

“Waking up isn’t easy anymore…”
“I wake up and my neck aches, there are dried up blood stains on my
lips, my cheeks are swollen, and most of all…the most agonizing thing…my
hair is a mess.”
“Not to mention my favorite shirt is ruined. Oh and there are about a
dozen cop cars downstairs with cops about to storm this 27-story building.”
“Where is Mitchell? No wait…more importantly.”
“Where are my shades?”



End of Prequel I and II. Prequel III coming soon along with Chapter 1. (Your thoughts are encouraged after each chapter)
 

terrib

Senior Member
Love the idea! But I do have a suggestion. Instead of quoting the whole thing, make it a scene.

Waking up for(name) wasn't easy anymore.
His/her neck ached, his cheeks were swollen, there was always dried blood on his
lips. But most of all, his hair was a mess!
“Not to mention my favorite shirt is ruined.(I would leave out about his shirt. the reader gets the point)

He could hear the cop cars downstairs. They should be storming the 27-story building any minute now.

Where was Mitchell? No wait…more importantly, where were his shades?
 

Zabobula

Senior Member
I'm used to quoting when people talk. It feels weird when they're not there. To me it feels more personal. This story has a lot of characters in them.
 

Zabobula

Senior Member
Prequel III

The intro to the story continues...

Prequel III: The Scatter and the Man with Shades

A convoy of eight black Mercedes vehicles are driving through the
Chinatown district of Lower City. Onlookers are caught in the mystery of this
array of vehicles. They wonder who they are and what they are up to. In this
city, a bunch of similar vehicles riding in one direction usually meant trouble
of some sort.
The vehicles parked in an open lot, surrounded by fence, all adjacent to
each other except for one S.U.V. An aged man stepped out of the automobile
with a black briefcase in his right hand and a dimly lit cigar in his left. His
very appearance, Italian as well as with the rest of the men behind him, caused
whispering from those who looked on from the outside. Others had no idea
who they were and went about their business. The old man lifted his finger and
the drivers and passengers of the other vehicles stepped out wielding heavy
machine guns. As soon as the guns were seen people began fleeing the area.
Some stayed however and began taking out cameras or using their phones. The
men wore black suits and were strapped with everything from Kalashnikov rifles to
sub-machine guns. They stood in their places…waiting.
Another convoy of vehicles, these being 3 white vans, arrived onto the
scene. Two of the vans blocked the entrance of the parking lot as the other van
drove in front of the Mercedes S.U.V. Two men came out of the van parked in
front of the black Mercedes. The passenger was also holding a briefcase. The
two opposing men with briefcases walked towards each other.
“Do you have what I want?” The aged man asked.
The opposing man, who was a lot younger than the older man, nodded
his head confirming as he opened his briefcase. “Do you have what I want?”
The aged Italian smiled after the younger man’s Russian accent was heard and
opened his briefcase. “Yes, it is all here…one million.”
“Excellent.”
As the two were about to make their exchange, a loud bang was heard
and there was a splattering sound. The younger man was stiff as he looked up
and saw the aged man fall to his knees and slump over dead, leaking blood
from his forehead. Another man from the side of the Mercedes vehicles came
over shouting out the old man’s name. He looked up at the younger man, who
was stepping back. In complete anger, pulled out his gun and began firing.
The entire parking lot erupted into a deadly shoot-out. The men in the
white vans took cover quickly as bullets smashed into the vehicles. The
younger man was shot in the abdominal region but was not mortally wounded.
He began fleeing the scene with two men covering him. The man who had first
fired at him began pursuing him; several of their men right behind him fending
off the men behind the vans. Pedestrians began fleeing the scene immediately,
screaming in fear and horror. The sound of guns firing began filling up the air
as the shoot-out spilled onto the street. Cop cars arrived but some of the
policemen were slain immediately just coming out of their cars.
One of the Italian men who came out of the Mercedes began barking
orders at those following behind him as they continued pursuing the younger
male on foot. Random shots were fired back from the retreating gang. Some
bullets smashed into the flesh of the innocent slaying them instantly. Now
many policemen began pouring into the war zone; shooting or arresting [if
possible] any of the men involved in the matter. They were greeted with
whizzing bullets. Men from both sides began fleeing as more and more
policemen starting crowding in.
“Don’t let that scumbag get away!” The Italian man pursuing the man
of the white van roared out to his subordinates. “He will pay for this; I want
him dead!”
The retreating men from the white vans ran for the alleys and hid
trying to come up with a way to escape.
“What are we going to do?” One of the men asked panting heavily.
“Shut up and let me think,” The younger man said.
“Boss, did you really shoot him?” The man asked.
“Of course I didn’t! Someone else did. Probably a sniper, I didn’t see.
All of that was set-up!”
“What do we do now?”
The younger man slapped his henchmen in the face. “I said shut up!!!”
Shots were fired and the two began running immediately.
“There he is!” The pursuer shouted.
More shots were fired and this time they hit. The ‘boss’s’ bodyguard
was shot in the leg but the boss kept running, leaving his bodyguard behind.
“BOSS WAIT NO!”
BANG!
One of the pursuers shot the bodyguard dead and continued chasing the
boss. The man had run into a dead end and was trapped.
Oh God I’m gonna die! The man thought to himself trembling as he
crouched to the ground.
The three pursuers surrounded the man and pointed their guns at him.
As soon as one of them was about to pull the trigger, an unknown male
came down from above and slammed down hard on him. He relinquished him
of his gun and shot him in that instant then turned around and, in a quick
motion, took out his two followers without warning.
There was a small silence in between the events, with the exception of
the heavy gunfire still erupting in the streets, and then the unknown man
turned around and looked at the trembling mob boss. The man dawned aviator
shades that completely cloaked his eyes and his hair was slick, short, yet
slightly spiky at the ends. Small strands of his hair fell over his forehead. He
was dressed regularly wearing a white T-shirt and blue jeans. But his very
sight scared the quaking boss even more.
“Son-n…”
POW!
The man with shades shot him in the head before he could get the word
out. The man then crouched down and began talking to him.
“Sorry I didn’t let you finish speaking. I would’ve if you didn’t have a
bounty on your head.”
The man with shades grabbed the dead man’s forearm and snatched a
gold watch off of it and put it in a plastic bag, walking off. Cop sirens could be
heard in the distance along with the gunfire.
I wonder who it was that shot the leader. The man thought to himself.
As soon as he finished, he looked up and saw another man on the
balcony in a large trench coat looking down at him with a long rectangular
black briefcase in his hand. The two were fixed in a gaze for a moment then
the man proceeded off the balcony on the other side.
“HOLD IT!” The man with shades ran towards the wall, climbing the
stairs up to the balcony only to find that the man had disappeared.
He scanned the area only seeing the lights and buildings of the Lower
City…the Underground.
 

AlbumAddict12

Senior Member
I agree. It doesn't really read like fiction, more like a narrarator speaking in a film... This POV makes it hard to read and follow IMO.
 

Zabobula

Senior Member
Chapter One (Finally)

Tell me what you think afterwards :)

Chapter One:
Politics


Six months passed after the incident that is now known as “The
Scatter”. The newly elected mayor of Byron City, Mark Golmer, issued in an
act known as the “Violence Sweep” that has put law enforcement on high alert
for criminal activity in the Underground. The act gives the right to arrest
anyone suspected or even suspicious of partaking in any gang or criminal-related
activity, with or without warrant. Police arrested dozens of people
convicted of such activities, but not much information come out of them…
“What are we gonna do about this?”
Inside City Hall, the mayor and the council discussed the matter on the
violence in Lower City.
“Crime has increased forty percent in the last couple of
months…FORTY PERCENT…that’s insane! And people wonder why the
bridge isn’t being used. Most of the police in Lower City are too afraid to take
action because of how dangerous it is there.”
James Baxter, a 37-year-old councilman added some information to the
matter. “Are you all aware of what most of these criminals are calling the
neutral zone?”
Mayor Golmer looked at him and replied, “I’ve heard of it. It
supposedly separates the Upper City from the Lower City. It is a warehouse
located near Byron Bridge in Lower City. Most of those criminals have said
they are not allowed to pass without confirmation from the owners of the
warehouse; the Shang Bros. How interesting that the people who own the
warehouse are also the owners of most of the economy in Lower City. What I
want to know is why are they not being interrogated?”
“Well,” Baxter began, “because law officials are afraid to. The Shang
Bros conglomerate own half, if not more, of the transportation that gets the
economy rolling down there. Meaning if we bring some accusations upon
them they could in turn do something that could upset the balance of our
economy as a whole. We need more evidence than just criminal testimonies to
bring them down. Law enforcement have tried to bring the down in the past
but they never surmounted enough evidence to prove their involvement with
the criminals of Lower City. And everyone who has tried has lost more than
the case, they‘ve even lost their jobs. The Shang Bros have put hundreds in
unemployment because of trials against them.”

“Wait a minute, explain to me something, how does a warehouse
separate two sections of the entire city?” Senator Vomare, a newly elected
politician asked. “That doesn’t make any sense.”
Baxter adjusted his classes while he looked over some files on the
table. “The Shang Bros Warehouse is the neutral zone where these criminals
can’t pass. And to be even more specific than criminals, gangs, mobs, and
these bounty hunters I keep hearing so much about cannot pass. Most of these
people belong to a covert syndicate known as the Underground, which, oddly
enough, is the most common nickname for Lower City.”
The room grew quiet for a moment and Golmer asked, “What do you
know about this Underground community?”
He continued, “Apparently, there is some sort of code, contract, or
something within this group barring them from entering Upper City.”
Senator Vomare continued his questioning, “So these people are stuck
in Lower City? How do we even know that? What’s stopping them from
crossing over into Upper City and causing chaos here?”
“That’s just it,” Council Speaker, Stu Pollodi, began. “This city has
had many cases of assassinations. Although most of them can’t be explained,
many of the victims who were killed had affiliations with some bad people.
There are some who break the code to collect a bounty. And according to my
research, many of these jobs are corporately involved. Some of the city’s
biggest corporations have been the subject of a lot of controversy. Many
people believe that some of these big businesses scare other businesses into
submission by using members of the Underground to get a point across; to be
more specific, bounty hunters.”
“So how do we stop them?” Senator Vomare asked. “The police can’t
get any evidence that any of these companies were involved in any of these
murders.”
Golmer reminded, “Our primary focus is ridding ourselves of the
violence in Lower City before it spirals out of control like the Scatter incident.
And I believe I speak for everyone in this room saying that we do not want
that incident to ever happen again. As for now, I’m calling this meeting to a
close. Be back tomorrow with ideas on how to start making progress with this
issue. This session is over.”
As the officials left the cabinet room, the topic was still being
discussed. However, Senator Vomare stayed for a private chat with the mayor.
“Mr. Mayor,” the senator began with a bright look on his face, “an idea
has struck me after hearing Baxter’s and Pollodi’s statements about the neutral
zone and the treaty.”

“We are adjourned, senator, put your ideas on paper and come back
tomorrow.” Golmer asked looking out the window from behind his seat.
“With all due respect, sir, I thought you wanted to take care of this
problem?” Vomare asked. “Honestly, I think you should listen to what I have
to say.”
Golmer turned and faced the senator. “Go on then.”
“I think we should put together a special operations unit that will help
to getting rid of the problems in Lower City.”
Golmer looked at him with mixed emotion. “We’ve already got the
police and several units from the C.I.A. and F.B.I. working on it. Why the
heck should we open up a new unit? We are making good progress.”
“Sir, to be blunt, the police are getting nowhere, and the C.I.A. and
F.B.I. aren’t of much help either. I know because I’ve been watching
everything… carefully. They have only caught thieves and robbers and these
captures are not leading us to the bigger fish. This is a serious matter and
needs to be dealt with swiftly and with more experienced people. We can’t get
full support from the F.B.I. because they feel our situation is, and I quote, ‘not
that serious’. So we should form our own unit that is composed of serious and
experienced individuals and take care of this ourselves.”
Vomare’s persuasive speech got the mayor’s attention. “So who would
lead it, where would you get the men, and who will finance the agency?”
Vomare smiled, “I already have people for it.”
Golmer sharpened his look on the senator. “Hmm, you already have a
unit? So what was the point in asking me if you are already taking action
without my consent or the council’s approval? “
“Sir, I have the people and I am working on attaining money for
putting together such a unit. I didn’t say they were already put together. And I
shouldn’t need the permission from those other officials. You may think they
care but they’re too busy focusing on property taxes and budget cuts while
waiting for their slice of the stimulus. They are all in it for the money. I truly
care about this city enough to want to take action myself. But I need your
primary consent to do so.”
Golmer picked up some files from the table and glanced through them.
“You make an interesting point, Vomare. I have looked through your file prior
to your election. It seems that you have a background in these types of affairs.
I must admit I am impressed.”

“Thank you sir,” Vomare answered. “I’m the best at these types of
situations.”
The mayor turned around and said, “We’ll see then won’t we? I’m
tired of seeing people live in fear of Lower City and people living in fear while
in Lower City. I want you to start to make a change; you’ve got two months. I
want to see progress in two months. You think you can give me that?”
“So you are giving me the green light on this?” Vomare asked.
“Yes I am,” Golmer answered. “But if I don’t see results, I will pull the
plug on the whole operation, understand?”
“Fully sir,” the senator responded.
“Good, you may leave now,” Golmer dismissed the senator.
The senator turned and walked out of the cabinet room with a smile on
his face and as he exited he uttered a word out of his mouth that sounded like,
fool.
 

TheSoup815

Senior Member
I'd like to see some descriptive parts between dialogue, mainly of the scenery rather than the characters thoughts.
 
Top