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Humor piece (1 Viewer)


Senior Member
I wrote this around 1995 for my class in column writing. This was around the time the Freemen standoff in Montana where I lived. Home of Ted Kaczynski (the unabomber) and a fellow that, and this is utterly true, was shooting at planes flying over his land because he though that the government was spying on him.
This is exactly what I'd turned in...

The Basket Case

My name is Lloyd and in my line of work it pays to have a .45 strapped to my shoulder. Thanks to the now empty bottle of Jack Daniels, my gun wasn't all that was loaded.
I'd just spent the night following a dame to her place of residence and watching her through her windows and thinking this would be even more fun if I was getting paid.
Suddenly the door to my office opened and in walked none other than the woman I'd been following.
"It wasn't me," I said by way of greeting.
"Huh?" she replied.
"Never mind."
"I need your help," she said. "My name is Malisha Freeman and I think my uncle is trying to have me locked up for insanity."
"Slow down," I said. "The readers won't catch all the puns."
"Sorry, mister..."
"Lloyd. Tab Lloyd," I told her. "Now let me get this straight. You say your name is Malisha?"
"Yes, mister Lloyd."
"And your uncle..."
"Right. You say your uncle Sam is out to get ya?"

"Yes. He says I owe him money and I have to pay him even though he has no legal right to make me do that. He says I'm a dangerous lunatic and should be locked up."
"Why does he think you're dangerous?"
"Oh, because I like to carry guns and shoot at planes and helicopters. Harmless things like that."
Thanks to my extensive scanning of Psychology Today, I could see that she was seriously paranoid, anti-social, and mildly schizophrenic.
Not only that, but she was also just plain batty.
I knew the she would only get worse if I paid attention to her. Besides, I knew her uncle Sam and aside from sometimes displaying the intelligence of a can of tuna, he wasn't all bad.
"I'd like to help you, miss," I told her getting up and escorting her to the door. "But, I'm gonna be busy with the elections coming up and I just won't have the time."
I really wasn't worried about the loss of a client. There will be other nuts seeking to gain Tab Lloyd's attention.

Ilan Bouchard

Hee hee, I liked the puns. I didn't catch them when Tab said "the readers won't catch all the puns," until I finished the paragraph. Much entertainment, I envy your ability to incorporate humor into your writing. I'm rather unsuccessful when it comes to that.
Looking forward to more,
Ilan Bouchard