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Humanity's Roots (1 Viewer)

JoTheOtter

Senior Member
Humanity's Roots

It is not in the excitement
Nor in the turmoil of the winds
Nor in the the waters raging
That the seed seeks to sprout.

But in the soft, heavy soil,
In the tepid calms of darkly forests,
In the stagnant pools of water long forgot
Buried beneath the Tradition of Rot.

And so it is with the Human Soul,
To fester and decay amongst brothers and sisters,
Rather than to be free and alone.






 

rcallaci

Staff member
Administrator
I like the message-- a nice philosophical poem on the nature of the soul- seeds of soul sprout grow fester decay and grow again.Human souls beget human souls amongst the rot and decay or entropy.

I'd rework the last line- No need for the capitols-Tradition of Rot- Human Soul- we know its importance or emphasis, don't need to get hit in the head with it. A well written piece - the ending fizzles, cliche and all that-make it pop...


warmest
bob
 

Pulse

Staff member
Senior Mentor
Jo

This is a truism I have contemplated and I love the way you simplify it. In many ways it reminds me of the proverbial lotus plant, growing in stangant water, but it also helps me look inward to moderate tendencies that have little interest of their own, but allow deeper understanding on many levels.

balance deepens.jpg
 

Darkkin

WF Veterans
Humanity's Roots

It is not in the excitement
the turmoil of the winds
or the the waters raging
that the seed seeks to sprout

but in the soft, heavy soil,
tepid calms of darkly forests,
stagnant pools of water long forgot
buried beneath traditions of rot.

And so it is with the human soul,
to fester and decay among siblings,
rather than to be free and alone.







A well thought, impactful piece. However, a couple of the prepositional repeats become a tad cumbersome. Not, nor in, nor in...The not does the work, let it take the weight. The nor prepositional phrases, seem to stress that the reader will not get the point. Read aloud, with both the original version and with the nor ins removed. Same story with the but ins. Once deepens the impact. Consider what you hear. As to brothers and sisters...it leaves that line straggling a bit. Consider siblings, as it does consolidate to the same meaning.

Also be conscious of capitalisation. If it is not a proper noun or the start of a new sentence, it can give off a shoddy, careless vibe. When in doubt leave the capitals out. Most readers are smart enough to figure out what the main subjects and their direct objects are. As to needing three stanzas, in all honesty, one would work as S2 is the second half of a compound sentence. S3 is the conclusion, which flows nicely without need of seperation. (See above.)

Visually, the repeats and capitals look nice, but the do lend an unnatural stiffness to a fluid, growing idea.

Just some thoughts.

- D.
 
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De-Anna

Senior Member
The imagery throughout this piece is vivid. I prefer 'brothers and sisters' to 'siblings' as it evokes (for me, anyway) a stronger picture of what you are saying - 'brothers and sisters' evokes not only those to whom we are related but the whole of human kind (not just siblings). 'But in the soft, heavy soil, In the stagnant pools of water long forgot...' My favourite lines. I feel the darkness and smell the damp. Wonderful!
 

dannyboy

Friends of WF
good piece that I thouroughly enjoyed, I wondered about brothers and sisters but agree not siblings, what about "to fester and decay in the crowd' or something, a word trying to capture forest, we know you're talking about people. Thank you for the read.
 
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