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how would you render this? (1 Viewer)

jjshell

Senior Member
Hi,
I haven't yet found an satisfying solution to the following problem. Here's a description of my problem:

A chararacter is walking through a lobby; he's about to go out. He stops short.

Then we see him opening his apartment's door.

Turning the tv off.

Rush into the elevator.

Rush through the lobby.

And finally exit the building he was in, which was his first intention.

I don't like my current approach:

INT. BUILDING - DAY

He walks through the lobby. Suddenly he stops short.

SERIES OF SHOTS: HE TURNS THE TV OFF

--He opens his apartment's door.
--He turns the tv off.
--He rushes into the elevator.
--He rush through the lobby.
--He exits the building.

The title given to the series of shot slugline is not satisfying as there are continuiing actions once he has turned the tv off. I could get rid of the title, but is it really acceptable?

Another option is:

INT. BUILDING - DAY

He walks through the lobby. Suddenly he stops short.

INT. CHARACTER'S APARTMENT - DAY

He opens his apartment's door.

IN THE LIVING ROOM

He turns the tv off.

EXT. ELEVATOR

He rushes into the elevator.

INT. LOBBY

He rush through the lobby.

EXT. BUILDING - DAY

He exits the building.
But I guess it's not good.

Any advice? How would you handle it?

:)
 

Wallmaker

Senior Member
Er... you might be able to work it with the series of shots... but that sounds like more of a montage of events... and this sounds like a guy who forgot to turn off his TV and goes and turns it off.

I would do it the second way... but when I read it, I was confused as to if the man was entering or leaving the lobby the first time:

INT. BUILDING - DAY
He walks through the lobby. Suddenly he stops short.

Again your next one is:

INT. CHARACTER'S APARTMENT - DAY

He opens his apartment's door.

This could be him entering, which I think you want, but it sounds like he's already inside the apartment and opening the door for someone. Just say he enters via the front door.

You could also give a little lubrication to the scene to make his actions clearer. I'm going to *places I added to for a little clarity...

INT. BUILDING - DAY

He walks through the lobby *to the exit, but*suddenly stops short.

INT. CHARACTER'S APARTMENT - FRONT HALL - DAY

He enters via front door. The sound of voices near as he walks into*

INT. THE LIVING ROOM

*Where the TV plays the nightly news(or whatever).* He turns the tv off, *checks his watch. Shit, he's late. He bolts from the apartment.*


INT. *3RD FLOOR HALLWAY - DAY*

He rushes into the *closing* elevator *at the end of the hallway, just in time* .

INT. LOBBY - *DAY*

He rush through the lobby *to the exit.*

EXT. BUILDING - DAY

He exits the building, *and nervously checks his watch again.*

Now, that's how I'd probably do it... but if you need to save time or we just need to understand he's running late now, there are probably a million ways to set it up as well.
 
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lazerbeak

Member
You could do it as a montage, then you can put all of your scene locations at the start and just give the images as a series of lines... something like this (obviously you need to replace X with the character's name, and write it well...)


MONTAGE - INT. BUILDING/APARTMENT/LOBBY.DAY

X Opens his apartment door.

X Turns off the TV.

X Rushes into an elevator.

etc. etc.

END MONTAGE
 
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