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How is my grammar and punctuation in this? (1 Viewer)

FrancisD

Senior Member
Any suggestions about the SPAG in this would be appreciated.


The problem with hiding is... they don’t stop looking for you.


Danny feels safe tucked away in the little Welsh seaside town. He just wants to fish, drink the odd beer, and maybe get laid, now and then. But a girl, Facebook, and a lost camera card collide and drag him back out into the open. He needs to choose. Keep running and leave the girl to the mercy of Ralph Teller, the gangster who’s hunting him, or head down to London and end this thing.


With the first option, he loses the girl and chance of something meaningful. The second may well get him killed.
 

Matchu

Senior Member
SPAG's okay enough.

I have seen your story before on 'other places.' The read could be enhanced if 'everything' was not revealed in the blurb, retain mystery.

Danny likes Llandfanwyndyffydd. He likes the hills, he likes the beer, he likes the way folk mind their own god damn business. He likes the ladies. One phone call changes everything. Meh :)
 

FrancisD

Senior Member
SPAG's okay enough.

I have seen your story before on 'other places.' The read could be enhanced if 'everything' was not revealed in the blurb, retain mystery.

Danny likes Llandfanwyndyffydd. He likes the hills, he likes the beer, he likes the way folk mind their own god damn business. He likes the ladies. One phone call changes everything. Meh :)

Thanks for your input. not sure I understand it, but thanks.
 

vranger

Staff member
Supervisor
The problem with hiding?
They don’t stop looking for you.


Danny feels safe tucked away on the Welsh seaside. He just wants to fish, drink the odd beer, and get laid now and again. But a girl and a lost camera card collide to drag him into the open. He must choose: Run, leaving the girl at the mercy of the gangster who's hunting him, or head for London to end this thing.

There's my recommended edit. I got rid of an excess comma and several extra words it didn't need. This keeps it tighter. I agree with Matchu that your last line gives away too much, plus it's redundant taken with the current last line.
 

FrancisD

Senior Member
The problem with hiding?
They don’t stop looking for you.


Danny feels safe tucked away on the Welsh seaside. He just wants to fish, drink the odd beer, and get laid now and again. But a girl and a lost camera card collide to drag him into the open. He must choose: Run, leaving the girl at the mercy of the gangster who's hunting him, or head for London to end this thing.

There's my recommended edit. I got rid of an excess comma and several extra words it didn't need. This keeps it tighter. I agree with Matchu that your last line gives away too much, plus it's redundant taken with the current last line.

I have been lead to believe that opening a query letter with a rhetorical question is a bad idea.
 
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