Writing Forums

Writing Forums is a privately-owned, community managed writing environment. We provide an unlimited opportunity for writers and poets of all abilities, to share their work and communicate with other writers and creative artists. We offer an experience that is safe, welcoming and friendly, regardless of your level of participation, knowledge or skill. There are several opportunities for writers to exchange tips, engage in discussions about techniques, and grow in your craft. You can also participate in forum competitions that are exciting and helpful in building your skill level. There's so much more for you to explore!

How about sharing some of your favourite jokes? [Objectionable Content Warning] (2 Viewers)

CyberWar

Senior Member
Once upon a time in France, an optimist, a pessimist and a grouch were sentenced to death. This being France, the punishment was beheading by guillotine.

The optimist is is the first to be conveyed to the scaffold. On the way, he ponders: "Life was so wonderful... It's a pity that it has to end like that, but it is what it is... Guards, tell the executioner to behead me face-up! I want to see the blade falling, let it be one last spectacle to end all spectacles for me."

His wish is granted, and the optimist is put in the guillotine face-up. However, just as the blade falls, something suddenly jams and the blade stops just short of his neck.

According to an ancient custom, the optimist is granted a pardon in result. The next in line is the pessimist.

"Oh, man, this is just fucking great!" he whines along the way, "First that stupid trial, then being sentenced to death, and now the jeering mob looking on! Guards, tell the executioner to put me face-down! I don't want to see none of this crowd of jackals in my last moments!"

His wish is granted, but the blade again jams and stops just short of his neck. The pessimist is also granted a reprieve.

The grouch is the last to be taken to the guillotine.

"Feh, what an amateur, this executioner, indulging every idiot's last wish and whatnot..." he grumbles, "He should've fixed that stupid guillotine instead!"
 

CyberWar

Senior Member
Today I received a call from a woman, who introduced herself as the secretary of a Nigerian prince, who has just bequeathed me one million dollars and would like to know the details of my bank account. I asked her if she'd like to suck my cock, and she hung up. Made me wonder whether she was just shy, or Nigerian royals only hire prudes.
 

CyberWar

Senior Member
A construction worker goes to a doctor and complains about constipation. The doctor asks him to drop his pants and lay down for examination. After giving the worker's backside a quick look, the doctor leaves his office briefly, only to come back with a baseball bat. He gives the worker a few good whacks on the butt and says that this should solve the problem.

Next day the worker comes back to thank the doctor.

"Amazing, it worked! How did you do that, doc?"

"You're welcome, it was easy enough. In the future, though, I would strongly advise against wiping your ass with paper from cement bags."
 

Phil Istine

WF Veterans
Once upon a time in France, an optimist, a pessimist and a grouch were sentenced to death. This being France, the punishment was beheading by guillotine.

The optimist is is the first to be conveyed to the scaffold. On the way, he ponders: "Life was so wonderful... It's a pity that it has to end like that, but it is what it is... Guards, tell the executioner to behead me face-up! I want to see the blade falling, let it be one last spectacle to end all spectacles for me."

His wish is granted, and the optimist is put in the guillotine face-up. However, just as the blade falls, something suddenly jams and the blade stops just short of his neck.

According to an ancient custom, the optimist is granted a pardon in result. The next in line is the pessimist.

"Oh, man, this is just fucking great!" he whines along the way, "First that stupid trial, then being sentenced to death, and now the jeering mob looking on! Guards, tell the executioner to put me face-down! I don't want to see none of this crowd of jackals in my last moments!"

His wish is granted, but the blade again jams and stops just short of his neck. The pessimist is also granted a reprieve.

The grouch is the last to be taken to the guillotine.

"Feh, what an amateur, this executioner, indulging every idiot's last wish and whatnot..." he grumbles, "He should've fixed that stupid guillotine instead!"

Once upon a time in France, an optimist, a pessimist and a grouch were sentenced to death. This being France, the punishment was beheading by guillotine.

The optimist is is the first to be conveyed to the scaffold. On the way, he ponders: "Life was so wonderful... It's a pity that it has to end like that, but it is what it is... Guards, tell the executioner to behead me face-up! I want to see the blade falling, let it be one last spectacle to end all spectacles for me."

His wish is granted, and the optimist is put in the guillotine face-up. However, just as the blade falls, something suddenly jams and the blade stops just short of his neck.

According to an ancient custom, the optimist is granted a pardon in result. The next in line is the pessimist.

"Oh, man, this is just fucking great!" he whines along the way, "First that stupid trial, then being sentenced to death, and now the jeering mob looking on! Guards, tell the executioner to put me face-down! I don't want to see none of this crowd of jackals in my last moments!"

His wish is granted, but the blade again jams and stops just short of his neck. The pessimist is also granted a reprieve.

The grouch is the last to be taken to the guillotine.

"Feh, what an amateur, this executioner, indulging every idiot's last wish and whatnot..." he grumbles, "He should've fixed that stupid guillotine instead!"
The un-PC version I heard of this many years ago was that the third person for execution was a member of whatever group is stereotyped as stupid in your particular area. As the executioneer was about to release the blade he shouted, "Hang on a moment! I see the problem."
 

The Carcosan Herald

Senior Member
"So the other five players on our Wargame team are Howe, Wehr, Wye, Yu and Watt?"

"Yup."

"So who's taking the left?"

"Wye."

"What do you mean why? I need to know what's defending the left side!"

"No, Watt's defending the right side."

"What...?"

"Exactly."

"I'm not asking you who's going down the right!"

"You're right, Yu's over there."

"So how do we defend the middle?"

"No, Howe's attacking the middle."

"Right."

"No, middle."

sigh "Alright. So I put my tanks ... where?"

"Why would you put them with Wehr?"

"I'M NOT PUTTING THEM WITH WEHR!!! Who's taking the left side?!"

"Wye."

"FUCK YOU, THAT'S WHY!!!"

"Whoa dude, at least take him to dinner first!"
 

Mark Twain't

Staff member
Board Moderator
"So the other five players on our Wargame team are Howe, Wehr, Wye, Yu and Watt?"

"Yup."

"So who's taking the left?"

"Wye."

"What do you mean why? I need to know what's defending the left side!"

"No, Watt's defending the right side."

"What...?"

"Exactly."

"I'm not asking you who's going down the right!"

"You're right, Yu's over there."

"So how do we defend the middle?"

"No, Howe's attacking the middle."

"Right."

"No, middle."

sigh "Alright. So I put my tanks ... where?"

"Why would you put them with Wehr?"

"I'M NOT PUTTING THEM WITH WEHR!!! Who's taking the left side?!"

"Wye."

"FUCK YOU, THAT'S WHY!!!"

"Whoa dude, at least take him to dinner first!"
A variation on one of my all time favourite skits

 

CyberWar

Senior Member
"As-salamu alaykum!" said the Big Bad Wolf.

"Whew, I guess we're finally off the hook!" said the Three Little Pigs.
 

CyberWar

Senior Member
A young priest fresh out of the seminary must hold his first mass, and is very stressed out about it. The old parish priest who's been assigned to mentor him reassures the young lad:

"Let me tell you a little secret - it's no sin to take two shots of schnapps before mass. Here's the key to the church basement, you'll find a glass and a bottle down there. Take two shots, ease up and hold your mass. I will be right here and watch, and tell you about any mistakes afterwards."

The young priest goes to the basement, has a quick drink, and holds his mass. Afterwards he asks his mentor: "So how did I do?"

The old priest isn't happy.

"Well, son, unfortunately there were a few mistakes. I will start with the small ones. Firstly, you were supposed to drink only two shots, not two bottles. Secondly, you're not supposed to tuck your cassock in your jeans. Thirdly, you should walk to the altar slowly and with dignity, not stumble like a drunk, and you must swing the censer accordingly, not spin it over your head like a propeller."

The young priest is horrified: "Good Lord! I don't even dare to ask what the big mistakes were?"

"The big ones? Well, for starters, the only mother you may mention during a mass is the Blessed Virgin Mary, Mother of Our Lord Jesus, not a certain other kind of mother that you would like to have a carnal knowledge of. Secondly, Our Lord Jesus Christ was crucified, not, as you put it, "nailed to a frigging stick". Thirdly, how did you even come up with the idea that Jesus was killed in action in Stalingrad, 1943? And lastly, you are supposed to conclude the mass with "Amen", not "Fuck me!"
 
Top