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How about sharing some of your favourite jokes? [Objectionable Content Warning] (1 Viewer)

Jan

Senior Member
An english commander named Roger handed out orders to his troops.

Their response was....


"roger roger Roger"
 

CyberWar

Senior Member
"Hey, Johnny! You look all roughed up today! What's with the black eye?"

"You don't say... Yesterday I was just walking down the street minding my own business, when these two burly cops come to me and say: "Come with us, you'll be a witness!" And I just had to ask them: "What, you two want to get married?"
 

CyberWar

Senior Member
Soviet Union. A man has been arrested by the KGB for saying: "Leonid Ilyich is a moron!"

"How dare you make such libelous statements about our Comrade General Secretary?!" the interrogator accuses him.

"It is a mistake!" the frightened man argues, "I would never think to say such things of Comrade Brezhnev! I meant a different Leonid Ilyich!"

"Nonsense! If you say that a Leonid Ilyich is a moron, of course you are referring to Comrade Brezhnev!"
 

CyberWar

Senior Member
A penis is writing a request for a salary raise.

I hereby request that my salary be increased for the following reasons:

1. I perform hard physical labour.
2. I work in great depth.
3. I use my head to work.
4. I work on weekends and holidays.
5. I am not paid for overtime at nights.
6. I work in confined, dark and poorly-ventilated spaces.
7. I work under high temperatures
8. I work under conditions of extreme moisture
9. I am at constant risk of infections

The administration's response to the letter:

Your request for a salary raise has been reviewed by the board and denied for the following reasons:

1. You do not work for 8 consecutive hours.
2. You sleep at work after brief physical exertion.
3. You do not always meet the employer's requirements.
4. You work in more places than one.
5. You spend too much time on breaks.
6. You do not demonstrate initiative.
7. You require constant motivation and pressure to work
8. You do not clean up your workspace after work.
9. You frequently break work safety regulations by neglecting to wear protective equipment.
10. Many of your profession retire before the age of 60.
11. You show no desire to work for two shifts in a row.
12. Sometimes you leave work half-done.
13. You arrive and leave work with a suspicious pair of large bags.
 

CyberWar

Senior Member
A farmer tells his son: "Tomorrow we're going to cut hay."

"I don't want to."

"Don't you give me that attitude, boy! If I said we're going to cut hay, then cut it you will!"

Next morning they go out to the field. The farmer forgets to bring water, and sends his son back home to get it. The lad goes back to the farmhouse and finds his mother having sex with the neighbor. He decides to stay hidden and listen in for a while.

"When you take a lunch break, take off your shirt and put it on the haystack so I know which one is yours. I want to drop by for another go before I bring lunch to my husband," mother tells the neighbor when they're done.

The boy goes back to the field and sees his father shag their mare behind the haystack. Again, he waits until the farmer is done before making himself known and tells him: "Mother asked to tell you to put your shirt on the haystack when we take lunch break, so she knows which one is ours."

When the lunch break arrives, the farmer's wife carries lunch to the field, sees the marked haystack and comes face to face with her husband. Nothing can be done now without rousing suspicion.

While they are eating lunch, the farmer gives his son a flask of moonshine. "Bring this to the neighbor. He seems a bit dour today, this should cheer him up!"

The boy walks out of sight, drinks all the moonshine, and the goes over to the neighbor. "You better run! My father knows you're sleeping with his wife. He said he'll finish eating and then come to kill you."

The neighbor doesn't believe him and waves it off. The boy goes back to his father and tells him: "The neighbor said his wagon is broken and asked if you could bring him an axe."

The farmer takes an axe and goes over to his neighbor. Seeing him come with an axe in hand, the neighbor believes the farmer is coming to make good on his threats and starts running. The farmer tries to chase him down. Noticing the commotion, the farmer's wife comes over and asks her son what the fuss is about.

"Dad found out you're sleeping with our neighbor," the boy explains, "He said he's going to kill him now, and then kill you!"

Terrified, the woman runs off to the village. Unable to catch his neighbor, the farmer comes over exhausted and asks why his wife ran off to the village so suddenly.

"Mom found out you're fucking our mare. Now she's off to the village to tell everybody," the son explains.

Terrified at such prospect, the farmer runs off to stop his wife. The boy sits down, leans back into the haystack with relief, lights up a cigarette and remarks:

"Told you I wasn't gonna work today!"
 

CyberWar

Senior Member
"Hey, babe! Shall we go to a cafe today?"

"Nah, I don't drink alcohol or coffee and I don't eat sweets."

"To the cinema, then?"

"I can watch movies online for free."

"Well, maybe you could come over to my place and we can watch some TV together?"

"I don't watch that garbage! I sold my TV already two years ago."

"I could show you my photo album..."

"I don't like looking at pictures of strangers."

"Well, what the hell do you like then?"

"I don't know... I do like sex, but you clearly don't seem to be interested in that."
 

CyberWar

Senior Member
A junkie calls the fire department.

"Hello, city fire department! What is your emergency?"

"Well.... you know... Imagine that - last year I planted some weed out in the yard... Grew up mighty big, but gave no buzz..."

"And?"

"Well, man.... This year I planted some more... Grew up all small and perky, but kicks like a mule..."

"Sir, this is the fire department! Do you have an emergency or not?"

"Man... Well, the neighbor's house is burning... Just wanted to ask you lads - when you come to put it out, don't trample my weed!"
 

CyberWar

Senior Member
Cletus drank a bottle of moonshine and ended up in intensive care unit. Not because the moonshine was bad, but because he stole it from his neighbor.
 

CyberWar

Senior Member
"Son, what would you like to become when you grow up?"

"A psychotherapist."

"Well, what do you know... Most kids your age want to become astronauts or something."

"Exactly my point, dad. Most of them will also never become astronauts when they grow up, fail to achieve their dreams and get depressed. And that's when they will make me rich."
 

CyberWar

Senior Member
The Wild West. An angry cowboy with a pair of revolvers in hands runs inside the saloon and shouts: "Which one of you bastards slept with my wife?!"

The patrons fall dead silent, until someone in the back of the room remarks: "Don't be afraid, lads! He ain't got enough rounds for everyone here."
 

CyberWar

Senior Member
A man dies and goes to Hell. Satan offers him to pick one of three torments. The man is led to three doors and is allowed to take a peek inside each before making his choice.

Behind the first door is the classical hell - seas of fire, cauldrons of boiling oil, sinners frying and screaming inside and the devils prodding them with pitchforks.

"No, this looks much too painful!" the man exclaims and moves on to the next door.

Behind it is a huge quarry. The sinners toil there in chains as slaves, while the devils flog them with white-hot iron whips. The man recoils in fear and hastily moves on to the third door.

Behind it is a huge sea of puke, excrement, carrion and every other imaginable foul and disgusting thing. The sinners stand in it neck-deep, and as soon as somebody moves, the others yell at him not to make waves. Despite being revolted, the man chooses this torment, since it at least doesn't seem painful. He strips down and wades neck-deep in the filth. Although it is extremely disgusting, it doesn't really hurt, and in a while his nose gets used to the stench. The man figures he could actually stand like this for quite long.

Suddenly Satan comes in, cracks a huge whip over the sinners' heads and shouts: "Alright, you scumbags, the break is over! Under you go!"
 

CyberWar

Senior Member
A variant of the above joke.

After having to choose between three torments in Hell and rejecting the fire and quarry rooms as too painful, the protagonist looks into the third room and sees a man in the middle of receiving a blowjob from a pretty young lass. Not seeing how this could possibly be constructed as a torment, he enthusiastically volunteers for the blowjob room.

Satan grins widely before shouting out to the woman: "You there, wench! Get up, here's your replacement!"
 

CyberWar

Senior Member
A man brings along his young daughter to work. The girl enters the office, curiously examines everyone and then suddenly starts crying.

"What's wrong, baby? Why are you crying!" everyone tries to calm her down.

The girl turns to her father upset. "Daddy, where are all the clowns and idiots that you said you work with?"
 

CyberWar

Senior Member
An ardent Communist dies and must stand judgement before God. His verdict is swift and harsh.

"You devoted your entire life to denying me and ridiculing my faithful! You have no place here. Away to Hell with you!"

And so the Communist is cast down to the fires of Hell.

A few months later, a very upset Satan calls God on the phone.

"I don't care what you do about that damn Commie, but I'm not keeping him around in my Hell for a second longer!" Satan complains, "He's convinced all my devils and demons to start up a union. Now the lazy bastards refuse to torture sinners, either striking and demanding shorter hours and better pay, or slacking off at Party rallies!"

God is left with no choice but to accept the Communist in heaven.

A few months later, Satan is wandering the world, looking to tempt someone into sin. Suddenly he sees God walk by.

"Well, if it isn't Lord God himself..." he remarks.

"Firstly, it's Comrade God now! Secondly, there is no God! And while I'd like to chat with you some more, I'm in a hurry - I'm late for the Party rally!"
 

CyberWar

Senior Member
A man in an upscale restaurant asks the waiter if this establishment has any exquisite African delicacies.

"Of course we do, sir," the waiter responds and brings him a glass of clean water.
 
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