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How about sharing some of your favourite jokes? [Objectionable Content Warning] (1 Viewer)

Mark Twain't

Staff member
Board Moderator
[FONT=&quot]A woman goes into the Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

[/FONT]
[FONT=&Verdana]A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.

She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway?.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line.

It's a good all-around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts.

At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who farted.

Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"

He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50.

She didn't say a thing.....just paid the bill and left !!

[/FONT]
 

SueC

Staff member
Senior Mentor
[FONT=&Verdana]Grandma and Grampa were visiting their kids overnight.

When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.

"I don't think you should take one, Dad. They're very strong and very expensive."

"How much," asked Grandpa.

"$10 a pill," replied his son.

"I don't care," replied Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow."

Later that morning, the son found $110 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10, not $110."

"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!"




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Steve_Rivers

Senior Member
(Shamelessly stolen from Alan Davies on QI)

A doctor is taking his medical students around on an impromptu tour of the hospital.

Passing through the mortuary, a cadaver is lying face-down on one of the tables, making the doctor stop and turn to face his students.
"Aha," he says, "here presents the perfect example of the two most important rules you'll need if you're to truly make it as a doctor!"

The doctor proceeds to put a finger into the butthole of the cadaver before pulling it out and striking a single digit up in the air...
"Rule number one, you must learn not to be disgusted by absolutely ANYthing!"
He puts the finger in his mouth and sucks on it for a second, before prompting the other students to do the same. Reviled and disgusted, they line up and take it in turns to follow suit. One or two wretch and only just avoid managing to puke up.

"Rule number TWO," says the doctor, raising his voice. "And the most IMPORTANT rule of all, is to be observant and pay attention you morons! I inserted my middle finger but sucked on my index finger!"
 

SueC

Staff member
Senior Mentor
At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside
and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

"Yes, coach," replied the little boy. "

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue,
curse the umpire or call him an asshole. Do you understand all that?"

Again, the little boy nodded in the affirmative.

The coach continued, "And when I take you out of the game so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not a dumb-ass decision or that the coach is a shithead is it?"

"No, coach."

"Good", said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother.”
 

CyberWar

Senior Member
I have no objection to my girlfriend being a feminist, as long as she continues cooking, doing laundry and obeying me.
 

CyberWar

Senior Member
Q.: What's the difference between government organizations and terrorist organizations?
A.: Terrorist organizations usually claim responsibility.
 
LOL! I'm a bit late to the party, hopefully this joke hasn't been posted yet... but here goes.

Q: An Englishman comes home from work to find his wife in bed with two other women. What's the first thing he says?
...
A: "Hello, hello, hello!"

😂 😂 😂
 

CyberWar

Senior Member
Stalin decides to travel around the USSR and see how his subjects are living. One day he arrives at a collective farm with his NKVD escort. An older man is working outside his meager house. Being already informed who's who, Stalin proceeds to greet him.

"Good morning, comrade Vasili Ivanovich! As you know, I recently implemented collectivization of farmland, now I'm travelling around to see what the farmers need. How is life here? Any complaints or wishes?"

"Life here is wonderful, comrade Stalin!" the frightened man responds, "I have no complaints and no wishes, everything is fine!"

"I was told, comrade Vasili Ivanovich, that you initially objected to collectivization," Stalin speaks, "Is there any particular reason for that?"

"Oh, not at all, that was but a mistake!" the man sounds even more frightened, "I joined the collective farm willingly! Well, almost willingly..."

"Just think about it, comrade! I work day and night to provide all my farmers and workers with everything they need. I had a school and community hall built here, I had this whole district electrified. Before you had to stumble around in the dark until you could light a petrol lantern in the morning, but now all you have to do is flip a switch, and it's bright as day in your house! Isn't that great?"

"Yes, comrade Stalin, but once I turn on that light every morning, I see that my cellar is empty, all the food having been requisitioned by the state. I see that there's no hay in my barn, no cow or pigs, not even a chicken in my yard - everything has been taken by the collective farm. That frankly makes me wish I hadn't woken up at all."

"You see, comrade!" Stalin waves to his bodyguards, "And you tell me you have no wishes whatsoever! Lads, see that comrade Vasili Ivanovich doesn't wake up tomorrow!"
 

CyberWar

Senior Member
Different interpretations of "securing the building" in the US armed forces:

When ordered to secure the building, the Army will set up a perimeter around it.

The Marines will kick down the door and shoot everybody inside the building.

The Navy will tightly seal all the windows and doors of the building.

The Air Force will obtain a 5-year lease on the building with the right to purchase.
 

CyberWar

Senior Member
Britain, 1944. The Allies are preparing for the D-Day. Three soldiers - a Christian, a Muslim and a Jew - have been assigned to guard the secret operational plans. Since they are not allowed to do anything on the side on their watch, they find it terribly boring and find cards to play. Suddenly, the general comes around, and they barely manage to hide the cards.

"So, playing cards on duty, huh?"

"No, sir!"

"I don't believe you! You there, with the cross on your neck! Swear on the Bible you didn't play!"

The Christian reluctantly swears. The general turns to the Muslim.

"Swear on the Quran you didn't play!"

The Muslim reluctantly swears. That leaves the Jew.

"Swear on the Torah you didn't play!"

"But sir, those two already swore they didn't play! What, am I supposed to play cards with myself?"
 

CyberWar

Senior Member
A large supermarket is hiring a junior salesman. An applicant, a laid-back country lad, comes in for a job interview.

"Do you have any experience in sales?" the manager asks.

"Why, sure, boss! I's been assistin' in me daddy's lil' roadside shop since I was eight!"

"Well, son, this is no longer your father's roadside shop, but the real deal. Tell you what, I will take you in on probation for today. Show me if you have what it takes to work here."

The country lad happily agrees and goes off to work. As the work day is nearing the end, the manager looks him up to check how he's been doing.

"Well, how much sales did you make today?"

"Jus' one, boss!"

"Just one!? No, son, that is no good! Take what you've earned, and good luck finding a different job!"

"But that's a whole million bucks there, boss!" the lad protests.

"One million dollars?! Seriously?! How did you pull that off?"

"Well, boss, I was jus' goin' 'bout the store mindin' my own business when this customer comes o'er and tells me he's fixin' to go fishin', and gonna be needin' some of them fishin' hooks. So I take him o'er to the fishin' section. I tell him I reckon he's gonna be needin' some lil' hooks for them small fishes, some medium hooks for them middle-sized fishes, and some big hooks for them big fat fishes too, so he buys 'em all. Then I tell him I reckon he's gonna be needin' some fishin' line and rods too, one for them lil' fishes, one for them middle-sized, and one for them biggies. So he buys 'em all too. Then I say he's probably gonna be needin' a good boat to catch them fishes from too. He says yes, so I bring him o'er to that there boat section, and show him the biggest fanciest boat with a sail. He buys that boat straight on, so I tell him I reckon he'll be needin' a trailer to tow that boat 'round with too. He says yes, so I take him o'er to this here car section, and he buys the biggest trailer for his fancy boat. Then I say a big trailer with a big boat like that's gonna be needin' some real sturdy wheels to pull 'round too, and bring him o'er to one of them Humvees, so he buys one of those too."

"That is very impressive," the manager states, "I have never seen an employee who could manage to talk a customer into buying all that when all he wanted to buy is a few small fishing hooks. I am definitely hiring you!"

"Actually, boss," the country lad states, "That man only came 'ere to buy them tampons for his missus. I told him that means his weekend's porked anyway, so he might as well go fishin'!"
 

CyberWar

Senior Member
True story, recounted by an American who served in the Army in West Germany back in the 80's.

The protagonist was posted to a remote base very close to the East German border. Because of its remoteness, there was very little to do, so the men had to make up their own entertainment. The protagonist was a driver to his commanding officer, a Lieutenant who was responsible for organizing patrols along the border.

One day, the LT brings along a large lunchbox, all wrapped in shiny tin foil, with a couple wire coat hangers affixed to it like antennas. He brings along a couple other guys and instructs the protagonist to drive to a certain hill directly in front of an East German observation post about a click away. Once there, he orders the other lads to disembark, set up a perimeter and keep a close lookout on the East Germans with binoculars. In the meanwhile, he proceeds to set up his box on the roof of the jeep and pretends to be tinkering and pushing buttons inside it while sending occasional reports on the radio. The lads realize what's going on, so they make their best effort to look dead-serious about what they're doing. After a minute or so, the LT packs up his box, orders everyone to mount up and leave at speed.

They repeat the exact same routine at the exact same time for the next few days. Already in a day or two, the lookouts report an increase of East German troops posted across the border, all closely observing them with binoculars and taking notes. Every day, their number grows, until a week later, there's almost a platoon's worth of men observing the Americans, including several ranking officers. The protagonist could swear he also saw a Soviet uniform or two amongst the officers, as well as a few shady-looking men in plain clothes, likely KGB or Stasi spooks.

Content with the results, the LT finally decided it was time to reveal their hand.

"Shall we eat, lads?" he said and distributed his men sandwiches from the lunchbox, which they promptly ate in front of the Eastern observers.

At that moment, the swearing of the East Germans could be heard all the way across the border.
 

CyberWar

Senior Member
An Italian and a Jewish delegation are traveling to some international conference by train. The Italians buy tickets for everybody, while the Jews buy just one for the entire group.

"How are you going to get on the train? The conductor will kick all of you off when he finds out you only have one ticket," the Italians are bemused.

"Oh, don't you worry," the Jews answer, "We have methods!"

When the conductor comes to check tickets, all the Jews scramble for the restroom and lock themselves in. When the conductor knocks on the door, one of them reaches out with a ticket. Thus the rest get a free ride.

After the conference is over, the Italians decide to try their luck and buy one ticket back for the whole group, while the Jews buy no tickets at all.

"How are you going to make do this time?" the Italians ask.

"Oh, don't you worry! We have our methods!"

Aboard the train, when the Italians see the conductor coming, they all lock themselves in the restroom like the Jews did before. One of the Jews comes over and knocks on the door, pretending to be the conductor. As soon as the Italians present their ticket, the Jew snatches it from his hands and runs off to the other restroom with his companions, locking themselves in and repeating the earlier trick.

Lesson of the story - don't try to copy Jewish methods if you have no clue how they work.
 

sigmadog

Staff member
Media Manager
OM-140807.jpg
 

CyberWar

Senior Member
Marriage is like a game of cards. At the start you have two hearts and a diamond, but in the end you wish you had a club and a spade.
 

CyberWar

Senior Member
A Soviet missile base. The operator has dozed off on his watch, his face resting on the launch controls. Suddenly the base commander barges in. With practiced swiftness, the operator springs to his feet, salutes and reports: "Nothing to report on my watch, Comrade General!"

"Nothing to report?" the General fumes, "Nothing to report, you say?! Then explain to me what the hell happened to Belgium!"
 
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