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How about sharing some of your favourite jokes? [Objectionable Content Warning] (1 Viewer)

CyberWar

Senior Member
True internationalism exists only in Ukraine. Where else can you spend American dollars to buy Italian goods made in China from Caucasian merchants while complaining in Russian about how the Jews have defrauded the nation bare?
 

CyberWar

Senior Member
A rich man of a somewhat shady reputation is complaining to his friend about his gold-digging trophy wife:

"I curse the day I married that witch! All she ever does is squander my money on her trinkets and baubles, complains about everything and nags me for more money! And I can't even get a divorce, because our marriage contract says she'd get half of my fortune if we separated!"

"Have you considered removing her by... other means, if you catch my drift?" the friend asks.

"Well, I know she can't drive for shit, so I keep buying her these fast sports cars - maybe the dumb broad will kill herself in a crash. But so far she's smashed up whole three of them to scraps without so much as a scratch!"

"Try buying her a Jaguar," the friend suggests. The rich man shrugs and figures this advice is as good as any other. A week later he calls his friend overjoyed.

"Many thanks, buddy, you're a real life-saver! I bought my wife a jaguar like you suggested the other day! It tore that gold-digging bitch to pieces as soon as she stepped in the garage!"
 

Joker

Senior Member
An American, a Brit and a Mexican are on a plane.


The Brit throws out a bag of tea, explaining to the confused passengers: "We have so much tea in England we can just throw it out!". The Mexican follows by throwing a bag of peppers out, explaining "We have so many peppers in Mexico, we can just throw them out!".

The American proceeds to throw the Mexican out of the plane.


"Why did you do that?!" exclaimed the Brit.

The American turns around says: "He killed my wife."

 

CyberWar

Senior Member
When Johnny was little, he wanted to become an astronaut. When Tommy was little, he wanted to become a doctor. When Billy was little, he wanted to become a homeless drunkard. Thirty years later only Billy has accomplished his dream. The others have become homeless drunkards.
 

Mans

Senior Member
The lifeguard asks the tourist: "what will you do if a white shark attacks you near the beach?".

the tourist says: "I will try to convince it, I'm not a seal!".

The lifeguard: " and if it was not convinced?".

The tourist:"then I will call you to percent in the place and convince it!".
 

Mans

Senior Member
In a prison that was in a small and remote island one of the guards came into the head room hasty and shouted: " Sir. prisoner 235 has escaped from the prison."

The head of the prison looked at the prisoners list and said calmly:" don't worry, he doesn't know swimming and will come back soon".

The guard replied: " but sir, he escaped with your motorboat!".
 

CyberWar

Senior Member
A woman is being courted by an engineer and a doctor. She can't decide for either and goes on a couple dates with each. Every time she dates the engineer, he brings her an apple. Baffled, she inquires about such choice of gift.

"An apple a day keeps the doctor away," the engineer explains.
 

Matchu

Senior Member
I like the one about the male assistant at Boots the Chemist, and the customer asks:

'Do you have cotton wool balls?'

And he says, 'What do think I am, a teddy bear?'
 

CyberWar

Senior Member
Newly elected Joe Biden meets with Vladimir Putin to ease tensions between USA and Russia. To foster a spirit of friendship, they decide to draw and exchange political cartoons about each other. To keep the event in good sportsmanship and taste, they also agree to refrain from drawing each other below the waist.

Putin finishes first and shows a cartoon where Biden has one big and one small ear.

"What's with the ears?" Biden asks.

"The big ear, Mr. Biden, is the one you listen to the Congress with," Putin explains, "And with the small one you listen to the American people."

Biden in turn shows a caricature where Putin is endowed with woman's breasts, one big and one small.

"The big one you feed the oligarchs from, and the small one is for the army," he explains.

"But what about the Russian people?" Putin asks.

"Mr. Putin, we did agree not to draw each other below the waist."
 

CyberWar

Senior Member
Yesterday it snowed. I built a snowman in the yard this morning.

8:00 - my feminist neighbor asks why there's no snow-woman.
8:15 - I built a snow-woman next to the snowman.
8:17 - my feminist neighbor complains that her breasts are too big, and that oversexualizes and objectifies women.
8:20 - the gay couple from the next staircase thinks there should be two snowmen instead.
8:22 - their transgendered friend comes by and complains that the snowperson should have interchangeable parts.
8:25 - a group of vegans go by and object to my wasting of food by using carrots for the snowpeople's noses.
8:28 - someone calls me a racist because my snowman and snow-woman are white.
8:30 - I colour my snowman and snow-woman differently to represent different races.
8:39 - my Muslim neighbor demands that the woman be covered up.
8:42 - the feminist neighbor complains again that the snow-woman is covered up and is holding a broom, propagating discriminatory gender stereotypes.
8:43 - the landlord comes and threatens me with eviction for upsetting the tenants.
8:45 - the news arrive to report the incident. During the interview they ask me what's the difference between a snowman and snow-woman. I explain it's the snowballs. Now I'm apparently a sexist too.
9:00 - the morning news show me as a racist, sexist, homophobe and a generally-dangerous extremist who attacks highly-sensitive social issues.
9:10 - the social services arrive and take away my children
9:29 - the radical left-wing residents of the street are marching in protest in front of my house, demanding that I am arrested
9:45 - my boss calls me to tell me I'm fired, since the company does not want to be associated with such controversial individuals
10:00 - I am sitting at home drunk, crying and contemplating suicide, all because I built one lousy snowman

Author unknown, probably arrested and imprisoned.

Moral of the story: there is none, because that's what the world has become thanks to a few snowflakes.
 

escorial

WF Veterans
Joined a yodelling class and while we waited to go in the teacher came out and said...form an auderly... auderly..queue
 

escorial

WF Veterans
Going to try my hand at becoming a ventriloquist..so I bought a stool,case,dummy,glass of milk an now I've got all the gear ..
 

Gofa

Friends of WF
The cabin door opened
And in walked
An English man, an Irishman
and a guy carrying a small piano
With an even smaller man sitting on
The piano stool that accompanied it
The Englishman said I thought it odd
The Irishman, from sure knowledge, said
It was poor diction
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]

And the guy carrying the piano sighed deeply
Perhaps he said just per per perhaps
It twas my stammer that did it
Pi pi pi pianist
Does sound quite sim sim similar to
Pe pe pe penis
And the little people
Do have short attentions spans
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]

But my wife does not like music much
After I told her of the wish and what I asked for
She has not talked to me in months
And me I’ve got to take this damn eight inch pianist
With me every where i go
If i leave him at home
Im convinced she will use him as a dildo
Imagine how sticky the keys will get
The sound will be completely spoiled
 

CyberWar

Senior Member
Sherlock Holmes is walking through a park in the evening and comes across a man fast asleep in the lawn. He begins to deduce:

"This gentleman is asleep in a public place, which means he's either homeless, very drunk or very tired. He's too well-dressed to be homeless. It is Sunday evening, so all the pubs are closed, and if he had been drinking at home, he would have fallen asleep there, so can't be drunk either. Since it's Sunday evening, he can't be exhausted from long day's work either, which means he's probably been seeing a lady. There are only two ladies worth seeing in this neighborhood - my wife and Dr. Watson's wife. Since I'm coming from seeing Mrs. Watson myself. that means... Watson, get up, you pig!"
 

CyberWar

Senior Member
"Hello, James?"

"Yes, sir?"

"James, please inform my wife that I will stay late at the club."

"Apologies, sir, she is currently sleeping with you in the bedroom."

"Outrageous! James, I would like you take the shotgun from over the fireplace and shoot my wife and whoever is with her! Don't put down the horn and report back to me when you are done."

"Will do, sir!"

(some time and four gunshots later)

"James, why did I hear four shots? Were there any issues?"

"Not at all, sir. I got your wife with the first shot, but you jumped out of the window and ran down the street, so I had to shoot you three times before you expired."

"James, my bedroom has no windows facing the street."

"Then you must have called the wrong number, sir."
 

The Carcosan Herald

Senior Member
An American man, a British man and an Irishman are on holiday together in Dubai and are sat at the top of the Burj Khalifa, the world's tallest building. The American looks down and says to the other two: "Gee whizz guys, I think it's so windy up here I might be able to fly around the building!"

The Irishman at once stands up and challenges the American to put his money where his mouth is. So the American jumps off and, sure enough, he is able to fly three laps around the building without any effort before returning to where he was stood moments before. Impressed, the Irishman decides he's going to try and give it a go himself. So he jumps off the building - and promptly plummets to his death.

The Brit looks at the American with a scowl, and proclaims: "You can be a real prick sometimes, Superman!"
 

Aquarius

Financial Patron
Are you lonely?
Work on your own?
Hate having to make decisions?
Then hold a meeting.

You can get to see other people,
Sleep in peace,
Load decisions onto others,
Feel important and impress your colleagues –
Just think – all of that in work time!

MEETINGS!

The practical and creative alternative to work.

* * *


 

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