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How about sharing some of your favourite jokes? [Objectionable Content Warning] (1 Viewer)

Amnesiac

Senior Member
Old Red Skelton joke:

I was riding in an elevator with a little boy and a very attractive woman. When the car reached her floor, she turned around and slapped me, and then walked off. I said to the little boy, "That woman was certainly rude!" The little boy replies, "I thought so too. That's why I pinched her!"
 

Amnesiac

Senior Member
There's a fella' who decides to leave the rat-race of the big city and move to a remote corner of Wyoming. His closest neighbor is about a mile away, and he's happy. After about six months, he's feeling a little isolated, so one day, when he's out checking his fences, he's pleasantly surprised to see an old guy leaning on his fence. The old guy says, "Hey, neighbor! I'm havin' a party and wanted to come by and invite you!"

The guy says, "That sounds great!"

The neighbor says, "Well, I gotta' warn you, there's gonna be a lot of cussin'!"

The guy says, "No problem!"

The neighbor says, "There's probably gonna' be a lot of heavy drinking, too!"

Again, the guy says, "That's okay."

The neighbor continues, "Yeah, and there's probably going to be a lot of fightin, too!"

The guy says, "Sure. That's fine."

The neighbor says, "And there's going to be a lot of sex, too!"

The guy says, "I'm okay with all that, I guess. What should I wear?"

The neighbor says, "Aw, it don't matter. It's just gonna be the two of us!"
 

CyberWar

Senior Member
A boy comes to his father and asks: "Dad, what's the difference between theory and practice?"

"Well, it's kinda hard to explain," the father says, "I'll rather show you with example. Go and ask your mom, sister and grandpa if they'd sleep with a man they've never met before for a million dollars, and come back with the answers."

The boy goes to his mother: "Mom, would you sleep with a man you've never met before for a million bucks?"

"For a million bucks, I'd sleep with five strangers for all I care!" she responds.

The boy then goes to his teenage sister and asks the same thing.

"For a million? Damn right I would!" she says, "Hell, I'd sleep with a stranger for free if he was cute enough!"

The boy then asks the same of his grandfather.

"With a man, and one that I've never met...? I don't know... A million dollars is a lot of money, I guess I might."

The boy goes back to his father and tells what the others answered.

"So there you have it, son!" the father says, "In theory, our family has three million dollars. In practice, we have two sluts and an old fruitcake."
 

Lee Messer

Senior Member
There are three women eating ice cream cones.
One licks on the ice cream, one sucks on the ice cream, and one bites it.

Which one is married?
...
...
...


It's the one with the wedding ring, but I like the way you think.
 

Aquarius

Financial Patron
The Hearing Test

A couple had been married for forty years when the husband became so concerned about his wife that he decided to discuss the matter with their doctor before her next scheduled physical. He said: ‘Doctor, I am really worried about my wife’s hearing. She does not seem to hear me when I call her! What can I do?’

The doctor told the man that he himself could conduct an informal hearing test as follows: first call her from far away and see if she answers. If she does not, call her from a little nearer. Each time she does not respond, try the same from a bit closer. Once you get a response from her, note the distance and report back to me so that we can discuss her possible needs for a hearing aid.

No sooner said than done! The following day the husband got to work. First he called his wife from the basement of their house: ‘What’s for dinner, dear?’ No response. He went up the stairs a bit and repeated his question. No response. From the top of the stairs he called again. No response. From a few rooms away from the kitchen he tried once more. No response. From the room next to it the same happened. Finally he stood at the kitchen door and asked. His wife turned towards him and shouted: ‘For the sixth time, we are having veggie burgers, mashed potatoes and green beans!’

* * *







 

Aquarius

Financial Patron
Wives And Their Husbands

A number of women were attending a seminar for the healing of their relationship with their husbands. The first lesson consisted of trying to salvage something from the wreckage of the romance that had once existed between them. When the instructor asked: ‘How many of you love your husband?’, all women raised their hands. The next question was: ‘When was the last time you told your husband you love him?’ Some of the women answered today, a few yesterday and some couldn’t remember when they did.

Then the women were told to send a text to their husbands saying something like: ‘I love you, my dearest.’

Here are some replies:

• Who the hell is this?
• Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?
• Yeh, and I love you too. What’s up with you?
• What now? Did you crash the car again?
• I don’t understand what you mean?
• What the hell did you do now?
• ?!?
• Don’t beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
• Am I dreaming?
• There’ll be trouble, if you don’t tell me for whom this message is meant to be.
• I thought we agreed you wouldn’t drink during the day.
• Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn’t she?

* * *






 

CyberWar

Senior Member
Husband and wife are disputing which is more painful - giving birth or a kick to the groin.

Husband: "Definitely the kick is worse than giving birth!"

Wife: "Ha! As if you've ever had to give birth!"

Husband: "No, but somehow we have three children, yet I don't know a single guy who ever got kicked in the nuts and wanted to have another go."
 

CyberWar

Senior Member
A fire broke out in a multi-story apartment building in LA. Among the victims were a family of illegal immigrants from Nigeria on the first floor, four Mexican gangsters who kept a crack den on the second floor, a group of young Syrian lads claiming to be war refugees from the third floor and a lesbian couple of radical feminist activists on the fourth. The only survivors were an unassuming White working-class family of five from the top floor.

Agitated by such apparent case of social injustice, activists from assorted civil rights organizations demanded to know why the fire department only managed to rescue the family of white Americans. The fire department chief was faced with the unenviable challenge of how to explain that the white family survived only because they were at work or school at the time.
 

EternalGreen

Senior Member
A fire broke out in a multi-story apartment building in LA. Among the victims were a family of illegal immigrants from Nigeria on the first floor, four Mexican gangsters who kept a crack den on the second floor, a group of young Syrian lads claiming to be war refugees from the third floor and a lesbian couple of radical feminist activists on the fourth. The only survivors were an unassuming White working-class family of five from the top floor.

Agitated by such apparent case of social injustice, activists from assorted civil rights organizations demanded to know why the fire department only managed to rescue the family of white Americans. The fire department chief was faced with the unenviable challenge of how to explain that the white family survived only because they were at work or school at the time.

BARK BARK
 

Mans

Senior Member
A blind was walking with his dog in a park. suddenly dog stopped and urinated on his shoes. The blind took out a dog biscuit from his pocket and gave the dog as he was touching the different part of its body.

Somebody who was watching the scene came close to the blind and said to him regretfully, I don't think it is a good respond to the dog's impolite action. It did urinate on your shoes and then you are giving it biscuit and petting it?!

The blind replied irritated, oh no senior, I'm not petting it. I want to distinguish its mouth from the back and then kick it hard in the back.
 

CyberWar

Senior Member
Once I punched a White guy on the street and got arrested for assault. After doing time in jail, I had learnt my lesson, so the next time I punched a Black guy instead. This time I was arrested for impersonating a police officer.
 

ehbowen

Senior Member
Old Boudreaux was feeling guilty, so he went to confession.

"What have you done, my son?" asked the priest.

"Wayell, Fadder, I took a leetle lumber from the construction site downs da road."

"Stealing is a sin, my son," said the priest, "but perhaps there's more to the story. What did you do with the lumber?"

"Wayell, dere's a beeg hole in a my front porch, an' I's afraid someone's gonna step in it and twist their ankle. So I take da lumber and feex da hole."

That's not so bad, the priest thinks to himself. "And was that all?" he asked.

"Wayell, fadder, I had a leetle lumber left. So my poor ole' dog Phideaux, he gots no place to get out of the rain. Sos I takes and builds him a nice new doghouse!"

Okay, still, I can see that, thinks the priest. "And was that all?"

"Wayell, I had a leetle lumber left. An' my poor ole' truck, she got no place to get out of the rain neither. Sos I takes and builds her a two car garage!"

This is getting out of hand,
the priest thinks. "And that's all?"

"Wayell, I had a leetle lumber left. An' my wife Marie always complaining about da house an' kitchen bein' too small fer da family. So I takes an' adds on two bedrooms and a new kitchen an' bath!"

"Stop!" roars the priest. "I've heard enough! For your penance, you're going to have to make a Novena!" When he sees the quizzical look on Boudreaux's face he adds, "You do know how to make a Novena, don't you?"

Boudreaux's face falls. "No, fadder," he says. "I don't know how to make a Novena." Then he brightens up and says, "But if you gots da plans...I gots da lumber!"
 

Aquarius

Financial Patron
Where Are Paradise And Hell

Paradise is where:
Chefs are Italians,
Mechanics – German,
Police – English,
Lovers – French,
And the organisers – Swiss.

Hell is where:
Chefs are English,
Mechanics – French,
Police – German,
Lovers – Swiss,
And the organisers – Italian.

* * *
 

Mans

Senior Member
Just for fun:

In the old seasons, there was a merchant who had a son. After the years of educations he decided to examine his son's knowledge. One day he called the son and asked him a series of scientific questions. His son answered all the questions correctly.

The merchant's friend who was there asked the merchant to examine the intellect of his son, as well. The merchant allowed his friend to examine his son's intellect. The friend of the merchant hide a jeweled ring in his hand and asked the merchant's son, can you tell me what in my hand is? The son thought for a while and then asked, may I have an address of that object?

His father's friend replied, yes, it has something like a hill on its back. The son said happily, I understood; it is a camel!
 
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ehbowen

Senior Member
Truly tasteless joke warning:

A Jewish man emigrated from America to Israel. Upon his arrival in the Holy Land he was overtaken by the rapture of it all and decided to do everything he could to fit in. So he bought a camel, and rode it to and from work every day. Passersby used to gawk and point and laugh at him, catcalling and insulting, but he didn't care. Until the day his camel was stolen. He went to the police to report the theft:

"What color was your camel?" the officer asked. "I don't know," came the reply.

"How tall was the camel?" the officer asked. "I can't remember," the man answered.

"Did it have one hump or two humps?" he was asked. "I'm not sure," he answered.

"Well, was it male or female?" the policeman asked. "It was male," the man asserted decisively.

The policeman raised an eyebrow. "Look, you tell me that you don't remember how big your camel was, what color, or whether it had one hump or two. But you're sure it was male. Why?"

"Well, every day," the man replied, "the people all used to yell out, 'Look at that big schmuck on that camel!'"

[Note: "Schmuck" is Yiddish for the male sexual organ....]
 

CyberWar

Senior Member
"Permission to ask, Lieutenant! Can crocodiles fly?"

"No, of course they can't! What are you, stupid, Private?!"

"But the Colonel says they can."

"Well, yes, actually they can - they're just very, very poor flyers."
 

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