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How about sharing some of your favourite jokes? [Objectionable Content Warning] (2 Viewers)

Courtjester

Honoured/Sadly Missed
To get the ball rolling, here is my first contribution:

Moshe was visiting a cemetery. Wandering around he finally came to a magnificent mausoleum that had been made of shiny black marble. The inscription above the doorway, inlaid in gold, said ‘Rothchild’.

‘WOW!’ exclaimed Moshe. ‘Now, that’s what I call living.’


I am not Jewish myself but I like Jewish humour, probably better than any other kind.
 

beanlord56

Senior Member
How fitting that you make this thread.

There were these three guys, a drunk, a filthy rich, and a gay, and they all went to Hell at the same time. Satan walked up to them and said, "I think I'm going to give you three a second chance.But only if you," He pointed to the drunk. "Don't take a another drop of alcohol, you don't take another penny, and you don't have sex." The three guys agreed, and before they knew it, they were back on Earth. They were walking down the street together when they passed a bar. "I can't take it anymore." The drunk said. He walks into the bar, and goes to Hell. So the rich and the gay are left walking down the street. The rich looks down and sees a penny. "I can't take it anymore." He said. He bent over to pick up the penny, and the gay went to Hell.
 

Bluesman

Senior Member
"My mother-in-law said 'one day I will dance on your grave'. I said 'I hope you do, I will be buried at sea.'"

My wife said she would die for me , she lied.
 

Courtjester

Honoured/Sadly Missed
A man walks into a psychiatrist’s office with the complaint: ‘Doctor, I think I’m going crazy. I keep imagining I am a zebra. Each time I look at myself in the mirror I see my entire body covered with black stripes.’

‘Calm down. You are not a zebra,’ the doctor reassures the man. Go home, take these pills and get a good night’s rest. I’m sure the black stripes will disappear.’

The man does as he is told, but the next day he is back at the doctor’s. ‘Doctor,’ he says, ‘the black stripes have disappeared. I feel great! Now, have you anything for the white stripes?’
 
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Courtjester

Honoured/Sadly Missed
A short skinny Jew walks into a lumber camp looking for a job. To impress the skeptical foreman, he chops down a towering oak tree in 90 seconds.

‘Wow! Where’d you learn to do that?’ the foreman asks.

‘In the Sahara Forest,’ the man replies.

‘Do you mean the Sahara Desert?’ queries the foreman.

The little Jew looks him in the eye and says: ‘Sure, now it’s a desert.’
 

Courtjester

Honoured/Sadly Missed
Two beggars are sitting on a pavement somewhere in Ireland. One is holding a large Cross and the other a large Star of David. Both have hats in front of them to collect contributions. The people walking by lift their noses at the man holding the Star of David, but they do drop money in the other one’s hat. Soon one hat is nearly full while the other one remains empty.


A priest watches the men and then approaches them. Turning to the one with the Star of David, he says: ‘Don’t you realise that this is a Christian country? You’ll never get any contributions here with a Star of David.’ The man holding it turns to his companion with the Cross and whispers: ‘Oy, Hymie, look who’s trying to teach us marketing!’
 

Bilston Blue

WF Veterans
To fall in with the EU, Irish motorists will have to start driving on the right. There'll be a three month trial for buses and taxis, and if successful cars will follow suit.
 

DuKane

A teller of tall tales
Senior Member
How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten, two to do the job and eight to sing about how great the old one was.

Two people riding a tandem. Dog runs out and throws a bucket of water over them.
What d'you call a man with no arms or legs in a swimming pool? Bob.
What d'you call a man with a shovel in his head?
Doug

What d'you call a nun with a washing machine on her head? Sister Matic


 

Courtjester

Honoured/Sadly Missed
Two goldfish are swimming around in a fish bowl. One goldfish asks the other, ‘Do you think there’s a God?’

First fish: ‘Of course there’s a God.’

Second fish: ‘What makes you so certain there’s a God?’

First fish: ‘Someone changes the water.’
 
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Bluesman

Senior Member
Dad’s Response

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 66).
We decided to grab a bite at the food court.
I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him...
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors - green, red, orange, and blue.
My dad kept staring at her.
The teenager kept looking and would find my dad staring every time.
When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked: "What's the matter
old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response.


I knew he would have a good one!
In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid....
"Got stoned once and screwed a parrot. Just wondering if you were my daughter."
 
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