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Hot Fuzz: Community Service [sci-fi/humor; mature content] (1 Viewer)


Senior Member
Planet Adrantis, Imperium of the Sidh

Secondary industrial world

Gavin's Hope

Sometime around year 2630


Long live the Emperor, my dear viewers! This is trooper Titus Severus of Gavin's Hope Urban Security, and this is our officially-approved channel.

The past months have been tough, with the outbreak of the so-called "brown flu" ravaging planet Adrantis. Along with their regular duties, the men and women of Urban Security have had to take up additional tasks, such as enforcement of quarantine and public safety measures. So far, we have been reasonably successful. Anti-mask protests and incidents have gone down by 87% since the introduction of the "mask-or-stapler" policy. Despite some initial concerns among the human residents about this policy causing minor injuries and therefore constituting a violation of their civil rights, a formal reassurance by the planetary governor that the stapler will be applied only to the most stubborn anti-maskers has largely diminished these objections. Some malcontents falsely claimed that these concerns are no longer expressed because of the actions of Domestic Security, including an alleged statement that our human compatriots are still technically considered enemy aliens and therefore have no civil rights under Imperial law, which would make any objectors to state policies liable for internment in enemy civilian containment areas. However, none of the individuals who published these statements were later available for comment, and their posts expressing such views were soon taken down, presumably at their own initiative. So it can be safely assumed that Domestic Security had nothing whatsoever to do with "suppressing" these dissenting views and our errant compatriots realized the falsehood of their misinformed opinions by themselves.

With a vaccine developed and in full production now, a mass vaccination campaign is on the way, so the unsanitary and embarassing incidents caused by a combination of sneezing and uncontrollable diarrhea will hopefully soon be a thing of the past. Regrettably, there has been some resistence to vaccination efforts among the human populace spearheaded by various fringe conspiracy theorists. The planetary governor has since responded by authorizing more strict vaccination enforcement, including a "Get shot or get shot" campaign authorizing medics escorted by Urban Security to administer vaccines at gunpoint in the more resistant areas. To my knowledge, so far there have been only 93 summary executions and a few hundred profilactic beatings of anti-vaccine extremists planetwide, one or two usually being enough to persuade the rest of the dissenters to vaccinate, so all things considered, the campaign has been highly effective at combating the brown flu.


Today is the official Urban Security Day, the sixth anniversary of the establishment (or rather, re-establishment ) of Urban Security on Adrantis. As those of you off-worlders who have been following our channel for a while already know, Adrantis used to belong to the Federation of Mankind. In the past fifty years, the planet has changed hands between the Fed and the Imperium several times largely bloodlessly, an Urban Security being established every time the world returned to Imperial control.

In light of that, today my team is tasked with "public relations" to improve UrbSec's public standing and educate the citizens about our work, or as humans would call it, a "dog-and-pony shit-show".

First appearance is vital for a good impression, so we spend a good two hours spit-shining our powered armor suits until they look like fresh from the assembly line. Nothing says "Serve and Protect" better than 500 kilograms of polished ceramo-metallic composite plating on a hyper-alloy combat chassis, combined with an autocannon-caliber sidearm and a baseball bat-sized stun stick that can instantly knock out anything smaller than a blue whale.

"Alright, folks, listen up!" Decurion Castus announces as he enters the locker room where the rest of us are shining our armor, "We'll be bringing along a friend from K-9 unit for today's demonstrations as well as a con doing his community service. The latter is a junkie who wants to stay out of the slammer because he wouldn't last a day in there, so he should be no problem, but I want you to keep an eye on him nonetheless. As long as he's with us, he's our responsibility."

"Wait, we're doing demos for school kids and keeping an eye on a com-serf?" Callicrates questions.

"Pretty much, yes, " the decurion explains, "Chief was pretty explicit about it. He also said we can make whatever use of him we want for our demos - as long we bring him back alive and in one piece in the evening, of course."

"I hate these PR events," Callicrates grumbles, "Those humans always make such a fuss when you show and tell them how things really are done!"

"Which is why Sheena here will do most of the talking," Castus points at our female collegue, who is a converted human, and hence at least in theory the most qualified to handle interactions with humans. The Sidh citizenry is easy enough to police - they are accustomed to military discipline in all aspects of life, the authorities telling and the citizens doing without further question or hesitation being the normal way of things. Same is not true for recently-integrated humans who are accustomed to extensive civil liberties and expect an accordingly permissive police, so having troopers experienced with both around is a huge help. Last year, our centurion threw a shit-fit over having to deal with several dozen angry parents after Callicrates deemed it prudent to make a demonstration of the power of Mk.583 Enforcer handblaster, which resulted in partial hearing loss in several students and the partial demolition of a school gymnasium wall. For this reason, Callicrates has been permanently relieved of leading demonstrations with Sheena as his replacement.

A few minutes later we're finally done with our armor and suit up to present ourselves for inspection. An Urban Security officer must set example to the public in all things including appearance, so anything less than impeccable is unacceptable.

"Severus, is your screen glitching again or you're not being positive enough?" Castus demands to know after we've lined up for inspection and he paces back and forth around us looking for any flaws.

"How about now, Dec?" I respond, banging the screen on my chestplate and putting on a wider smile under my helmet. Humans have difficulty interpreting our intentions when we are wearing fully-enclosed helmets and tend to find us overly intimidating, so we've mounted screens on our armor showing emotes to appear more community-friendly. Although the idea of walking tanks with screens showing smilies on their chest might seem silly, it does seem to work at least to some degree.

"That's better!" Castus approves, "Make sure that smiley stays there for the duration of our demos!"

With inspection complete, we set out downstairs to the garages, where our APC awaits. I'm told the human police during the Fed era used to drive around in flimsy squad cars little different from civilian vehicles. Obviously, that's utterly inappropriate for representatives of Imperial state authority, so Urban Security troops patrol their rounds in sturdy military-issue APCs complete with dual 800-megawatt particle cannons to ensure swift and utter neutralization of any perpetrator short of one in a main battle tank. Practicality has also been taken into consideration - with a patrol of four weighing in at over 2 tonnes with their powered armor, which is more than a traditional squad car itself, no lesser ride than an APC would suffice in any case.

"Meet Decurion Avitus from the K-9 unit," Castus introduces us to a man already waiting outside the garages, "And this is Betsy!"

The decurion's canine companion greets us with an enthusiastic bark. Betsy is one of our precinct's twelve hellhounds. Since traditional Old Terran service dog breeds like German Shepherds, Rottweilers and Dobermans turned out to be insufficiently strong and intimidating to stop cyber-augmented perps in the early days of the Imperium, Sidh bio-engineers addressed the problem by creating the hellhounds. Roughly the size of a very large Siberian tiger and covered in sturdy scales impervious to most small arms fire, the hellhound is said to combine canine, feline and some scaly mountain-dwelling alien critter genes. With her size and glowing eyes that remind us of ourselves, Betsy and her conspecifics are assured to put the living fear of the Emperor in all but the most foolhardy perps. Yet as we approach the monstrous hound, she starts wagging her armored tail and panting in a friendly manner. For all her size and ferocity, Betsy is still very much just a giant dog, no more dangerous than one if properly trained and socialized.

"She's very fond of children and lesser pets," Avitus explains as I scratch Betsy's scaly scruff much to her delight, "She should cause no problem."

"She better not," Castus remarks, "I don't think our centurion has yet forgotten that mess two years ago."

He is referring to a different UrbSec day demo, when our centurion again had to deal with complaints from angry parents and one very upset dog owner after an obnoxious poodle on the walk off-leash deemed it prudent to interrupt our demonstration featuring a different hellhound. The said hellhound did not take kindly to the poodle's quarrelsome intrusion, the whole event yielding several traumatized children and one very dead poodle mangled almost beyond recognition. For this reason, last year had no K-9 demonstrations whatsoever, and this year the brass has expressly assigned a more tempered hellhound for the task.

"Now we wait for our com-serf," Sheena notes, checking time on her tacticom.

Soon enough, our convict sentenced to community service appears, still clad in his orange jumpsuit and being dragged fresh from detention by two guards. He's a scrawny, weedy human lad, evidently a zyme-head by the looks of him. The black eye he's sporting evidently signifies he's had a rough night in the slammer.

"This here's Benny!" one of the guards introduces him, shoving the lad roughly at our feet, "A junkie, a petty thief, and a general waste of breath who should've been sent to the camps long ago if you ask me. Fortunately for him, the Justicars feel that citizen Benjamin Goldstein, aka Benny, may still redeem himself and have sentenced him to compulsory rehab and 120 days of community service. This is his first day, so make sure he understands that community service is no ticket to slack-off land! Sign here, and he's all yours for the day!"

Betsy requires but one glance to recognize a habitual troublemaker. The dark-grey scales on her neck and shoulders immediately stand on end, flush bright-red and begin to rattle as she starts to growl at Benny, ready to pounce on him at her handler's first command. Terrified, the junkie swiftly retreats, crawling over to Castus's feet and cowering behind him. Done signing the release form, Castus leans down and lifts Benny up by the scruff like a miscreant puppy.

"So, you are the com-serf we're supposed to babysit today?" he demands sternly, as to leave no doubt to Benny that he'd be making the mistake of his life if he tried anything funny today.

"I am..." Benny nods vigorously, clearly getting the message, "What will I have to do?"

"Oh, nothing too hard," Castus explains, "We'll go to a couple schools, where you will tell kids that doing drugs is wrong, and help us with a couple demonstrations."

"Sounds easy enough..." Benny seems relieved, still nervously looking at the growling hellhound that Avitus firmly holds on a leash.

"Alright then," the decurion states, "Let's get going!"

As a convict, Benny obviously doesn't deserve to ride with us in the crew compartment, so we put him in the detainee cage at the rear of the APC. Avitus orders Betsy inside, where the hound immediately begins to growl at Benny at his slightest move, staring him down with her terrifying luminiscent eyes.

"Uh... Officer, do I have to ride all the way with that thing in here?" Benny whimpers, shaking like a leaf.

"Don't worry," Avitus retorts, "She won't bite unless you try something funny or I tell her to!"

That turns out to be a poor consolation to Benny, who sits still like a statue all the way to our first destination, with Betsy growling at his every slightest motion.


Our first location is a basic education establishment that humans call an "elementary school". Consisting of young children aged 7 to 11, our audience has already assembled at the school stadium as requested.

"Good morning, young citizens!" Decurion Castus attempts to make introductions, only to realize that the LRAD panel on his armor is cranked up way too loud as the closest row of children and their teachers clutch their ears in pain. The emote panel on his chest shows a blushed face as he quickly makes adjustments and repeats his statement in a more tolerable volume.

"Good morning, officer!" the children answer synchronously. Evidently their tutors have previously instructed them on how to leave a good impression on Sidh authority figures - speak loudly, clearly and always in choir, using appropriate titles and forms of address.

"I am Decurion Castus, and these are my fellow officers," he introduces us by our respective names. I and Callicrates are in the meanwhile busy setting up targets for the demonstration.

"... and finally, our K-9 companion Betsy, and Benny, who will play the bad guy for our demonstrations today!"

"Hi, kids!" Benny blurts out and waves, only to grasp his role a moment later, "Hey, officer, about that playing-bad-guy part..."

Avitus bumps him to shut up, and Benny knows enough not to argue further with a power-armored brute almost twice his size.

"Alright, children," Sheena takes over, smiling like a spring sun, "Who knows what Urban Security does?" Castus subtly gestures to me, pointing at my emote screen, and I take the cue to grin like a horse.

"You catch bad guys!" the kids shout over each other before the teachers reprimand them and tell them to raise hands and speak one at a time.

"Correct!" Sheena agrees, "Any other ideas? You, boy in the blue shirt!"

"You watch so that everybody obeys the law!" the boy answers.

"Good! Any other suggestions? Girl with Kitty Nina sweater! I love Kitty Nina, by the way!"

"Uh... you... you help people, so they don't get hurt..."

"Very good! Girl with the yellow skirt, you look like you want to ask something really bad?"

"Officer, why did Urban Security arrest my mommy?" the girl in the yellow skirt asks with a hint of sadness.

"Elizabeth!" her teacher scolds her at half-voice.

"... she only said that tankies treat humans like second-class citizens in their own homes..." the girl continues nonetheless.

"Elizabeth! We don't use the T-word in this school!" the teacher's eyes are shooting daggers as she quickly ushers the girl away, "I'm truly sorry, officer! Kids these days... No respect for their betters!"

"It's what my mommy said!" the girl protests.

"And no wonder she got arrested, you disrespectful child!" her teacher hisses, "Away with you!"

"Uh... I'm sure your mommy did something more than just say a few mean words to get arrested," Sheena explains with a hint of awkwardness before reassuming her earlier cheery disposition and turning back to the other children, "Anyway, you are all correct. Urban Security is indeed here to protect the law and all the good people, human and Sidh, to save those who might get hurt, and to catch the bad people who break the law. Now, who can name me a couple bad things that break the law?"

"Me! Me! Me!" the kids shout enthusiastically before the teachers remind them to behave again.

"Murder! Murder is bad!" one boy proclaims when Sheena points him out.

"Stealing!" a girl adds after him.

"Fighting on the street!"

"Being a terrorist and blowing things up!"

"Cussing at UrbSec officers!"

"Posting bad things about the Emperor online!"

"Not taking brown flu shots!"

"Doing drugs!"

"Great! Because doing drugs is very bad for you!" Sheena agrees, "Our assistant Benny here can tell you all about doing drugs here!"

"Um, yeah... Hi, kids, I'm Benny..." Benny awkwardly introduces himself after Castus shoves him forwards, "I've been doing drugs for five years... It's really, really bad for you... Don't do drugs, kids, or you'll end up like me!"

"Have you ever been to jail, Mr. Benny?" one boy asks.

"Yes, I have, " Benny answers, "It's a bad place. You really, really don't want to go to jail. People will do really bad things to you in jail. They will beat you up, take your stuff, sometimes your honour..."

"What does it mean - take your honour?" another boy asks.

"Well, it means... it means they will rape you," Benny explains uneasily. I get the vibe that he's had more first-hand experience with prison rape than he'd willingly admit.

"What is rape?" a girl raises her hand.

"Uh, officer, I don't believe that is an appropriate subject to discuss with the children," the school's headmistress intervenes, evidently uncomfortable with the direction the conversation has been taking. Before anyone can respond, Callicrates is quick to answer what seems like a completely legitimate question by a curious young child.

"Rape is when somebody fucks you against your will!"

I can clearly see the emotes on Castus's and Sheena's screens facepalm at that moment.

"Officer! Language!" the headmistress protests.

"Uh, apologies..." Callicrates tries to salvage the situation, "What I meant to say is..."

He follows on with a minute or so of explaining in the mildest and most sanitzed terms what prison rape is, describing it as "burly mean bad guys sticking their big pee-pees into your tender butthole, which hurts very much and is generally a very bad and unpleasant thing that can happen in prison". In the end, we are left with a wide-eyed audience of children and visibly-distressed teachers. I am frankly baffled at their shocked reaction at what is merely a statement of truth, but Sheena's disapproving gaze at Callicrates seems to suggest that this is evidently not the psychologically-appropriate way to inform young human children and their prudish tutors of the intricacies of sexual life in penitentiaries. Nonetheless, I make my best effort to grin like a horse.

"Umm... Who wants to see how we catch bad guys?" Sheena finally exclaims to divert the subject. The kids promptly respond with their earlier enthusiasm, their teachers also breathing a sigh of relief.

"Our first tool of the trade is our powered armor suit," Castus announces after Sheena nods at him, "Meet the Mk.III Crusader U-3! Weighing at 520 kilograms, it is built of ceramo-metallic composite plating over a hyper-alloy chassis. Pretty much impervious against anything smaller than 20-millimeter rounds - which means just about anything you can shoot without needing powered armor or an exoskeleton. It increases the wearer's strength over 10 times. Officer Callicrates, please demonstrate!"

Callicrates promptly demonstrates the superhuman strength granted by our armor by grabbing onto the rear of our APC and lifting it off the ground with some effort.

"As you can see, officer Callicrates just lifted the rear end of a 40-ton APC. Lifting a person, such as a suspect, obviously doesn't represent a problem, " Castus touts our armor suit like a merchant on a market, "It helps very much when you need to deal with an uncooperative suspect! Officer Callicrates, Benny - please demonstrate!"

"Who, me? Uh, what do I do?" Benny is taken by surprise.

"Pretend you're resisting arrest!" Callicrates instructs and immediately assumes character, bellowing from his LRAD panel, "Citizen, halt! You are under arrest!"

"Uh...ahem... Fuck you, tankie pig!" Benny catches on and assumes a belligerent stance after a brief confusion.

"Language!" the headmistress protests again. Her objection against the use of expletives is vindicated about a second later as Callicrates effortlessly lifts Benny from the ground by the throat before slamming him face down into the turf. He then twists Benny's arms on his back so hard the teachers cringe at hearing joints pop, and handcuffs our com-serf despite his very un-simulated protests and cries of pain. Finally, he lifts him up handcuffed by the scruff like a puppy and makes a point to grin like a horse, beaming with pride, as the smiley on his emote screen suggests.

"Besides super strength, this suit also grants the wearer superior speed!" Castus continues while Callicrates uncuffs Benny, "A regular human suspect has no hope of outrunning an Urban Security officer. Please, demonstrate!"

"Uh, what do I do?" Benny is unsure again.

"Try to run away from me, fool!" Callicrates barks and points to the far end of the stadium, "You've got 10 seconds head start!"

Benny takes off with due haste, while Callicrates counts down loudly. He then sets after him. Benny evidently isn't going to be winning any medals in running, because my collegue has caught up with him by the count of 17, tackling him to the ground and roughly handcuffing him again. The kids cheer jubilantly.

"It looks rough, but you actually have to go real easy at least with non-augmented bad guys. Go too rough, and they tend to come apart rather easily at the joints. The powered armor suit also lets you jump up to 5 meters high from the spot," Castus lectures, Callicrates promptly doing a high jump that doesn't involve Benny much to his relief. His comfort is short-lived, however, as Castus moves on to our next tool.

"This is every Urban Security officer's best friend - the SB-540 shock baton, also known simply as the stun stick. Adjustable to various power settings, it can put out anywhere between 200 thousand and 200 million volts at 60 miliamps. At the lowest setting , it's going to sting like an SOB. At the highest, it will leave you pissing lightning for a week!"

"Language, officer!" the headmistress protests as the kids laugh. They clearly seem to be less averse to coarse language than their teachers.

"I mean - let's just say you're going to feel it!" Castus corrects himself, "Callicrates, please demonstrate the medium setting!"

"Uh, what...?" Benny exclaims, realizing the demonstration is going to involve him an instant before Callicrates prods him with the stun stick under the arm. As the jolt hits, he jumps almost a meter off the ground with a girlish shriek before collapsing on the ground twitching violently. The teachers gasp in shock, but deem it prudent not to object aloud. The Sidh-made education program, courtesy of the Human Affairs Office, probably has them teaching plenty of other stuff they'd rather not.

"What was that for?!" Benny protests after a minute or so as he comes to his senses.

"You're helping us with the demonstrations, " Castus explains nonchalantly.

"Fuck that! I'm out!" Benny shouts, ignoring another bad language protest from the headmistress, but cringes when Callicrates raises his stun stick again.

"We can always take you back to the joint," he states, "I'm sure there are plenty of mean burly bad guys looking to acquaint their pee-pees with your butthole."

"Awww, man..." Benny groans, reluctantly falling in line faced with such perspective, "I should've just taken my chances with the jail..."

"Now, kids, remember - when confronted by Urban Security, don't run and always be nice and respectful!" Castus informs the kids, "Or you will get acquainted to Mr. Stun Stick!"

"Sometimes you need more than a stun stick, however!" he continues after a brief pause during which Sheena answers questions about the stun stick and armor, "Sometimes the bad guys are armed and try to shoot us, so we need something to shoot back with. For that, we have our other best friend - the Mk.583 Enforcer. It fires 20-millimeter high-explosive semi-armor piercing mass-reactive shells, capable of penetrating up to four centimeters of hardened steel, in other words anything short of a proper military-grade powered armor. One shot anywhere on the body will result in a guaranteed kill. Officer Severus, if you please..."

It's my turn in the spotlight, so I promptly stand up on the improvised firing line. The targets are three life-sized mannequins of ballistic gel and simulated bone and organs, set in a row about halfway through the stadium and outfitted with crude body armor commonly worn by thugs in the human wards who cannot afford more sophisticated protection. Good enough against conventional firearms that civilians without powered armor are likely to have, but no match for proper military-grade arms. I stand waiting for the decurion's signal before quick-drawing my handblaster and firing off several shots at one mannequin, blowing off its arms, head and finally legs. The kids and teachers jump at the thunderous report of the handblaster. Done dismembering the first mannequin, I twirl my gun a couple times for fancy points before holstering it.

"See how officer Severus destroyed that target?" Castus touts, "When you're on the business end of this thing and get hit, there's no motherf... I mean, no mother-loving way you're getting back up!"

The kids are very impressed, and Castus moves on.

"That is not all, however - the Enforcer is also capable of rapid fire. Granted, it will deplete ammunition qucikly, but if you're in a pinch and need to lay down some serious destruction and pain on the bad guys, this is the way to do it! Severus..."

I oblige and blast the next mannequin in two from shoulder to hip with a well-placed burst of explosive rounds. The teachers are visibly pale, while the kids roar in excitement.
"Lastly but not leastly, the Enforcer handblaster comes with an integrated 30-millimeter multipurpose smoothbore launcher. Useful for firing utility munitions like beanbag rounds, tear gas grenades, shot shells, breaching charges, flashbangs, signal flares, high-explosive incendiary, and my personal favourites - plasma grenades! Severus, please demonstrate!"

I indulge my decurion, loading a plasma grenade in the launcher and blasting one at the last mannequin. It is promptly disintegrated in a brilliant flash of light accompanied by a thunderous electric crack, leaving behind only smoldering shreds and two sizzling ballistic gel feet.

"For more serious encounters, we also have energy rifles in our APC, but unfortunately they are too dangerous and powerful to demonstrate here in your stadium," Castus explains to the jubilant children, "But our handblasters aren't always about killing. They can also be set to non-lethal stun mode. One stun dart has the same effect as being struck with a stun stick. Severus, Benny, show our young friends how the stun darts work!"

"Wait, officer, do I really have to..." Benny starts protesting vehemently, when Callicrates cracks his stun stick to life and waves it menacingly.


Benny promptly takes off, running zig-zag in hopes of avoiding my hit. He greatly underestimates the targeting software of my armor coupled with Tier 6 combat augmetics, however. After demonstrating how a handblaster is set to non-lethal, I take aim and fire a shot, much quieter than the lethal ones. An instant later, Benny plants face-first into the turf with a stun dart in his backside, screaming and twitching violently.

"And that, kids, is how you take down a bad guy without killing him!" I explain, walking over to Benny without haste and plucking out the stun dart without any effort to be gentle. He struggles on his feet groaning and walks back with a heavy limp.

"Oh, don't be such a baby!" I scold him, "We had it way worse in training!"

Benny deems it prudent not to answer, though his eyes are shooting daggers - or rather, would be if only he dared so much as look at his Sidh betters the wrong way.

He gets some rest while Castus and I are busy answering questions about the blaster and its capabilities. The kids and some of the teachers are interested in various aspects of the weapon, many trying its weight and finding it very difficult to even hold up - completely normal, given their size and physique. I hear some children already discussing that they should convert and become Sidh when they grow up, so they get to shoot such awesome guns too. It is very pleasing to hear such thoughts from them, the smiley on my emote screen being more sincere than any before today.

Finally it's time for the next demonstration. Now Decurion Avitus steps up with Betsy.

"Just like human police forces use dogs, Urban Security uses hellhounds. My companion Betsy here is trained in all the same tasks, such as finding drugs or catching lawbreakers. Who wants to pet Betsy?"

The kids are understandably hesitant at first. Betsy is, after all, easily three times the size of the largest dog any of them might have at home, and her glowing eyes are frankly unnerving even for a Sidh to look at.

"She won't bite?" on exceptionally-brave boy asks, hesitantly approaching.

"No, she's very friendly with kids," Avitus reassures him, "Look, she wants to play with you!"

Indeed, seeing the boy approach, Betsy has begun to wag her tail and leaned down into the characteristic dog "play" position.

"Good Betsy... Good girl..." the boy carefully pats Betsy's scaly snout, to which the giant creature responds with a friendly grunt, licking his face with a huge soft tongue. Indeed, why would a hellhound like Betsy not be friendly with children? She most likely realizes they do not pose any threat to her.

Encouraged by the boy's example, other children approach, and soon enough, Betsy is rolling over like a house dog, letting them scratch her belly. Even some teachers seem amazed at the docility of this ferocious-looking beast, inquiring if that is naturally the case with hellhounds, or a trained response.

"They are basically just genetically-engineered dogs," Avitus explains, "You have to respect them, and they will respect you back. Treat them with kindness, and they will return it threefold."

"Alright, who wants to see what Betsy can do?" he announces, the hellhound immediately spiking her ears and springing to attention. The kids jubilantly shout their agreement, and Avitus directs them to stand aside before proceeding to demonstrate various tricks he has taught Betsy as part of her obedience training. While Betsy demonstrates crawling, rolling, playing dead, fetching and other routine dog things, Castus steps up to Benny.

"Alright, time for you to suit up!"

"Suit up for what?"

"You're playing the bad guy, remember? We have to show the kids how Betsy catches bad guys!"

"Oh, no-no-no-no-no! You're not making me get chased by THAT thing!" Benny begins to protest vehemently at the mere suggestion.

"We could just have her chase you without the padded suit then," Castus shrugs indifferently.

Whimpering and muttering something incoherently, Benny takes to suiting up with the padded suit that Sheena tosses him from the APC. It's a sturdy kevlar suit, as few lesser fibres could hope to stand up to the might of a hellhound's jaws. Soon enough, Benny is ready. Upon mere sight of him, Betsy starts growling, her scales rising up, flushing and starting to rattle again.

"Benny will now play the role of a fleeing criminal, so that Betty can demonstrate how she catches them!" Avitus announced, "You got 10... no, make that 15 seconds, Benny!"

"Oh, God! Oh, Lord!" Benny whines and takes off as fast as he can - which, given the heavy suit, isn't very fast. Avitus counts down loudly and finally cuts the snarling Betsy loose. She takes off like an arrow, catching up with our com-serf in just a few giant strides and slamming into him like a cannonball. Poor Benny literally flies several meters before Betsy is upon him again, thrashing him wildly like a rag doll. When Avitus has decided Benny has had enough, he gives command, and the hellhound snatches him up by the scruff and drags him back to her master. The kids applaud Betsy, and she is rewarded with a treat much to her delight.

While Avitus answers more questions about hellhounds and their training and kids play with Betsy who has returned to being the friendly giant dog, I and Callicrates help Benny out of his suit, since he's a bit too battered to do it on his own. One of his shoulders is dislocated, which I promptly pop back in place while Callicrates holds his mouth shut as not to disturb the kids too much. In reward for his efforts, we apply some painkiller spray on his aching shoulder, much to Benny's delight.

His ordeals aren't over just yet, however, as Castus steps up to demonstrate yet another trick in our arsenal.

"An Urban Security crew does not always have a hellhound on hand, nor would one always be practical in every situation. For such cases, our APC is equipped with several OROK-500 pursuit drones. They are equipped with a blaster similar to our own, firing both lethal and non-lethal ammunition, and a grappling clamp to retrieve stunned suspects. Benny will now demonstrate them in action!"

"We can always do the hellhound or the stun stick routine again!" Callicrates reminds him just as Benny opens his mouth to protest again. He sighs resignedly and gets up.
"Off you go, Benny!" Castus instructs, "Severus, our perp is fleeing, please retrieve him!"

Being the team's drone operator, I get in the APC and sync up with the drone console. One of them pops up in the air from its slot on the back of the turret and sets after Benny.

"Attention, perpetrator, this is Urban Security!" I announce over the drone's loudspeaker as protocol requires, "You are under arrest! Stand fast, or force will be used!"

"I give up!" Benny is quick to throw up his arms, "Just don't zap me...AIIIAAAAAUGH!"

He drops to the ground twitching violently for the third time today as I promptly hit him with the drone's stun blaster. I guide the drone down to retrieve him with the grappling clamp and fly him back, dropping him down roughly at Castus's feet.

"The stun darts on these drones pack more juice than the handblaster ones, so Benny is definitely feeling it!" Castus explains, plucking the dart from Benny's thigh, "Remember, kids - don't get in trouble, or you will end up like Benny!"

"Ha-ha-ha, look - he peed himself!" one boy shouts, pointing at a wet spot on Benny's crotch. Indeed, our com-serf seems to have wet himself under the jolt. With peals of laughter, a devastated Benny hastily retreats to the back of the APC, Castus mercifully allowing him to fall from sight.


After answering many more questions and letting kids explore our APC inside and out, we set off to our next destination with a sullen Benny and a still-hostile Betsy in the cage.

Predicting he might need them, Sheena has even brought a spare change of pants for Benny, which he promptly applies in spite of Betsy's threatening growls.

Our next destination is a high school, where we repeat the exact same routine with some modifications more appropriate to a teenage audience. Sheena and Castus take more liberties with profanity, which our listeners seem to appreciate, only getting a few low brows from the teachers. By the time we've gotten to the drone, Benny is begging to be killed instead.

"Shoot me! Send me back to jail! I don't care, I'm not doing another one of those stun dart things!" he cries out.

A threat to cut Betsy loose on him again does wonders to change his mind, however, and he takes the rest of the demonstration like a man.

After the demonstrations, there's more questions and answers that include Benny. The teens want to know how bad did each of the tests feel, what's it like doing time in an Imperial prison, and so on. Most of the questions are legit, but some of boys deliberately troll him by asking silly and humiliating questions, likely knowing that he can't tell them to fuck off, being bound by the terms of his sentence.

"Hey, Benny!" one particularly mean urchin asks with a malicious grin, "Did you ever drop the soap in the showers when you were in jail? Because you sure look like you did!"

Something snaps inside Benny. We have to hold him back as he screams in the guy's face:

"So what if I fucking did!? I'd like to see how you would last in the slammer one day, fucking tough guy! You're a pretty boy, I can see your mama takes good care of you! They like them just like you in the joint! Hell, you'd probably get man-poned on your first night in!"

"Get what?" the boy guffaws with his buddies.

"Man-poned! You know what a man-pon is? That's when you have to stick wads of toilet paper up your ass for a week to keep yourself from bleeding out after being raped, that's what a man-pon is! You think you can handle a man-pon, tough guy!?" Benny shouts.

The boy no longer grins for sure, but shrugs and turns away.

"Whatever! I'm never going to jail to get man-poned like a loser!"

Frankly I feel tempted to punch the arrogant little prick in the face. It's not like I particularly care about or sympathize with Benny, with him being the weak and useless waste of breath that he is, but one thing no self-respecting Sidh can stand is cowardly bullies who only act against those who cannot defend themselves. Judging by the angry emotes on my companions' screens, they seem to share the sentiment.

However, Benny soon gets his chance for revenge. After the demonstration, the headmaster invites us over for a coffee and discussing possibilities of arranging a career day, where his students could learn more about Urban Security by shadowing us on the job. We head through the school's hallways to the headmaster's office, when Betsy suddenly stops by one of the lockers and lies down.

"Headmaster, I believe one of your students is hiding illegal narcotics in his locker, " Avitus promptly informs him, "Betsy is trained to locate drugs among other things. This is her signal."

The headmaster's reaction is prompt. He orders a lockdown of the school and the immediate reassembly of all students in the gymnasium. The rest of us in the meanwhile do a search of other lockers as well, Betsy indicating four more lockers with drugs inside. The search yields a total of eight spliffs, a small bag of ecstasy pills and a vial of zyme. We bag our findings before joining the staff.

"Attention, students! I need owners of lockers number 457, 459, 484, 543 and 602 to step forward!" the headmaster announces. Predictably, nobody is volunteering, so Castus steps up.

"I will ask again for the owners of the said lockers to step forward!" he firmly announces, demonstrating the evidence bags, "We found these in your lockers, and we will find out who you are soon enough anyway! You can make this easy on yourselves and only get charges of possession, or you can try to hide and we'll top obstruction of justice on top of that!"

Hesitantly and reluctantly, five students stand up and step forward with their heads lowered in shame. If there is a god, he must indeed have a sense of poetic justice as the three boys who ridiculed Benny earlier are among the perps. The smiley on my emote screen beams like a spring sunshine as I cuff the little shits. They definitely ain't laughing now.

"And that, kids, is how we find and arrest real criminals!" I announce on our way out, "Don't do drugs, or you'll end up like them!"

As we load the five miscreants into the back of our APC outside along with Benny and a growling Betsy, who evidently understands these five have done something bad and don't merit her friendship, Castus taps on our com-serf's shoulder and gives him some mild vindication for his earlier torments.

"Benny, feel free to explain these young gentlemen and ladies in detail what awaits them!"

And so we set out back to the precinct, with five terrified teenagers in the back listening and trembling as Benny takes his revenge by recounting his most graphic eyewitness accounts of well-hung alpha males violating teenage first-timers in every orifice, sparing no disgusting detail.


After returning to the precinct and handing five panicked teens who beg us to do anything but put them in jail, we remand Benny back to the guards.

"How did he do?" one of them asks, "I hope he behaved well?"

"Benny's a good lad," Castus grins, "He was at his best the whole time!"

"Good to know," the guard nods, "I honestly thought the Justicar was mistaken in letting him off with community service, but some people apparently may yet be reformed. Keep it up, Benny, and in another 119 days you will be a free man!"

"You mean I have to do this for another 119 days?!" Benny exclaims.

"Well, maybe not exactly this, but I'm sure we can arrange something. The cadets at UrbSec academy need someone to practice on, and you've proven you're good at playing the perp..." the guard grins maliciously.

"PLEASE, KILL MEEEE!" Benny drops to his knees and starts to shriek. The guards shrug and drag him away screaming, probably thinking he's having another zyme withdrawal episode.

"Come to think of it, I'm going to toss in a recommendation to the Justicar for those five shitheads," Castus remarks shortly afterwards, "No point in sending a bunch of kids to die in the camps over a vial of zyme, nine pills and a couple spliffs. The cadets could use some com-serfs to practice on, and if Benny doesn't want the job, those five could fill in for him."

"That's a good idea," Sheena agrees, "Hopefully the Justicars will see reason in it, and if those kids don't fuck it up for themselves by mouthing off at court, they'll be out in three months after doing their community service."

"Either way, I hope they'll learn a lesson from today," I remark, "But enough talking already! Let's go to Angie & Chloe's and grab some burgers and donuts! I'm starving!"

My collegues have no objection to such plan. With that, we conclude our today's recording. Have a good day, obey the law and be safe, citizens! Long live the Emperor!
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The Carcosan Herald

Senior Member
Good to see a third part of the story of four Imperial police officers and their darkly comical adventures on the mean streets of Gavin's Hope. It was certainly as insightful as it was hilarious (as you probably surmised from my raucous laughter the first time I read it), taking a short peek at the methods used by Urban Security to keep the peace in the typical heavy-handed Sidh way. If you're planning fourth or more parts, a suggestion would be to show how the cops deal with a high-risk situation, such as a bank robbery or a terrorist attack.

As usual, comments, suggestions and corrections for the piece itself are present below for your perusal:
"so the unsanitary and embarassing incidents" - embarrassing.

"there has been some resistence" - resistance.

"To my knowledge ... the campaign has been highly effective at combating the brown flu." - this is a rather long sentence. Cut it down into two parts or possibly even three (I would personally end the first sentence at 'vaccinate', starting the second with 'so').

"(or rather, re-establishment )" - the right bracket seems to be doing a runner.

"largely bloodlessly" - this is a bit awkward to read; consider changing it to 'largely without blood' or 'with minimal bloodshed'.

"until they look like fresh from the assembly line" - personally I'd chop out the 'like' here and replace 'from' with 'off', so the phrase renders as 'until they look fresh off the assembly line'.

"We'll be bringing along a friend from K-9 unit" - from the K-9 unit, presumably.

"Pretty much, yes, " - they must be pretty crap cops if they keep letting speech marks run off.

"Same is not true" - the same is not true, I'd think.

"or you're not being positive enough?" - or are you not.

"Roughly the size of a very large Siberian tiger" - I'd chop out the 'very' in here. If you want to emphasise its size compared to a Siberian tiger, try 'roughly the size of the largest Siberian tigers'.

"The said hellhound" - no need for a 'the' here. As a suggestion: when using 'said X' and 'the same is (not) true', switch the 'the' around if it doesn't add up.

"The black eye he's sporting evidently signifies he's had a rough night in the slammer" - remember what I said about using 'evidently' in A Drink Too Much: if it's evident, does it need to be stated? That said, you can get away with simply plucking out the 'evidently' here.

"shoving the lad roughly at our feet" - the meaning of 'roughly' here isn't immediately apparent. If you mean where Benny's being shoved, say 'roughly to' instead of 'roughly at'. If you refer to force, say 'roughly shoving'.

"luminiscent" - luminescent.

"with Betsy growling at his every slightest motion" - chop out the 'slightest' here.

"Yes, I have, " - the speech mark is fleeing again.

"Rape is when somebody fucks you against your will!" - this is an excellent example of shock humour, but it would be even funnier if you position the start of Callicrates' response immediately after 'intervenes', following the response with the explanation that Callicrates genuinely thinks he's answering an honest question. That way, the suddenness of the response will take the reader by complete surprise, maximising the joke's punch.

"grin like a horse" - you have Severus describe a grin in this fashion thrice in short succession. Normally it comes off as awkward in prose, but it might be interpreted simply as a quirk of Sidh as a whole. Do with this what you wish.

"Sheena finally exclaims" - no, Sheena does not exclaim anything. What she does is ask. To exclaim is to make a forceful statement, like 'Bugger!' or 'Get over here!' (hence why the funny line with the dot beneath it is commonly called an 'exclamation mark').

"Pretty much impervious against anything" - impervious to anything.

"...obviously doesn't represent a problem, " - more fleeing speech marks.

"qucikly" - quickly, unless Castus is trying to summon Cthulhu.

"on exceptionally-brave boy asks" - presumably, either 'one' or 'an'.

"Upon mere sight of him" - upon the mere sight of him.

"so that Betty can demonstrate" - Betsy, surely.

"he gives command" - gives the command.

"I believe one of your students is hiding illegal narcotics in his locker, " - what Avitus probably didn't notice is that the speech mark is also fleeing the crime scene.

"The rest of us in the meanwhile" - 'in the' is unnecessary here. Alternatively, replace 'meanwhile' with 'meantime'.

"feel free to explain these young gentlemen" - explain to these young gentlemen.

"I hope he behaved well?" - replace the question mark with a full-stop, or an exclamation mark if you want the guard to sound menacing.

"My collegues" - colleagues.