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horseshoe magnet (1 Viewer)

petergrimes

Senior Member
horseshoe magnet

bundle sticks together
learn to be strong
feed on unsound echoes
worship sacred cloth

leap across a chasm
infinitesimally small
but there's no escaping, the
horseshoe's tightening claw

each are polar opposites
there's
no difference either side

with the compass needle spinning
can't tell left from right
 

2020Syd2020

Senior Member
Hello,

I have to say I did enjoy this read, it took me a few attempts to grasp the rhythm and syntax of the piece but it was worth the re-reading to get to that point.

What I would say, is that I wonder if the read could be improved by the elongation of lines, although this depends on how much you want to maintain the current structure of the piece. For me I feel that some of the rhythm and flow of the piece is lost by what feels like sudden line breaks. For me I just want to feel lulled into the piece through rhythm and when that is jarred it should feel like a real defining moment in the piece. What I mean is that moment becomes the crux of the piece.

Hope this helps in some way.

Cheers

Syd
 

petergrimes

Senior Member
Hi Syd - cheers. Nice to meet you. Thanks for reading my poem. Yes, I'll certainly admit that rhythm isn't something I gave much thought to in this poem, I was too busy with bad A-level political models and seeing how far I could stretch those. I think I could have a look at adding a rhythm and the stanza break could go in-between one and two. With the third stanza I was being silly and trying to make it look like a horseshoe. If I were to be properly ruthless, in truth the last two lines should probably go for they are too telling. I'll have to think about the rhythm and maybe get rid of the daft horseshoe. Thanks for the advice and help and for reading the thing, it is very much appreciated. All the best, cheers mate PG
 

stony

Senior Member
PG, I think I agree with Syd in that the piece could benefit from a few more words. The first stanza reads like fragments of thoughts while the next two stanzas are more complete. I see what you are trying to say though and I think it's a message worth fleshing out a little more. Great start!

-stony
 

petergrimes

Senior Member
Hi Stony - cheers mate, thanks for reading my poem and checking it out. I'll have to give it some thought about adding words on, see what suits best. Cheers for the encouragement it is much appreciated. I'll try and work something out. Thanks, cheers for the help. All the best Stony, ta ra a bit PG
 
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