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Hopefully a hilarious article (1 Viewer)

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Penismightier

I wrote this article about The Riddler in Batman Forever. I'm hoping to get it published somewhere. Hopefully someone enjoys it and I would greatly appreciate any feedback.

Batman Forever: Batman, under the direction of Joel Schumacher, adopts a bisexual lifestyle.


Oh, Batman Forever. The subtle Batman movie directed by Joel Schumacher. Not quite the debacle of Batman and Robin, but not quite the real, actual Batman movie that resembles the two films Tim Burton directed in any way shape or form. On the surface, some may say that the film is just Burton’s films with the camp factor turned up. No, dear readers, it is not. We are about to go on a journey into what screenwriter Akiva Goldsman and director Joel Schumacher were thinking when they made this movie.
I’m not here to mince words, it wastes both of our time, so I won’t. The Riddler was gay. Gay, gay, gay, gay, gay. Let’s explore this, shall we? Edward Nygma, professional (insert generic job to serve the plot) in the tech division of Wayne Enterprises, no wife or children. Okay, he’s a workaholic. A workaholic that has pin-ups of his boss and idol that are from various magazines. All over his cubicle. Mr. E. Nygma is one copy of Photoshop away from having Bruce Wayne’s face ‘shopped onto the bodies of Playgirl centerfolds.
Take for example, the scene where Bruce Wayne makes his rounds to inspect the progress his employees are making in their various projects. As Bruce is doing this, Edward shakes in his cubicle before finally mustering the courage to stop hyperventilating and shake Bruce’s hand. Of course, it goes without saying that Edward babbles on incoherently about his invention while gushing over Bruce Wayne, much in the same fashion as a woman would gush over Johnny Depp. When Edward’s boss, played by Ed Begley Jr., comes over to prevent Bruce from being raped right then and there, Edward looks at him with disgust, as no one interrupts Edward while he’s speaking with his man. I credit Mr. Wayne for putting up with this nonsense from an employee, but eventually he has enough and rejects Edward’s crackpot idea of tampering with brainwaves. If only Schumacher was that smart.
What happens after Edward’s “rejection” by Bruce Wayne is pure gold. The following dialog is spoken by Edward as Bruce walks away: “You were supposed to understand. I’ll make you understand”. Nygma says this with all choking back tears and sounding like a woman scorned. Fortunately for Bruce Wayne, Nygma doesn’t follow him into the bathroom for an impromptu “sword fight”. Edward decides to take out his rage on Ed Begley instead. You see, Mr. Nygma decided to work late into the night. Begley walks into his cubicle to see him working on the invention Bruce Wayne had rejected earlier that day. Begley, showing a rare moment of intelligence in this film, fires him on the spot. Nygma then tap dances in his helmet, ties Begley to a chair, and send him out the window, where Begley tumbles down the waterfall to his demise. When Edward says, “Surf’s up Big Kahuna!”, I can only think of what kind of other watersports he was hoping to engage in with Bruce Wayne.
Instead of focusing on his career and getting over Bruce Wayne, Nygma does the only sensible thing: He quits his job and begins sending Bruce some creepy riddles. Haven’t we all been there? I thought not. Some fairly uninteresting things happen in the movie, then we see Edward in his apartment, watching television. We think to ourselves, “Hey, he’s getting on with his life, good for him”. Then he starts laughing like a hyena at the death of some acrobats he has no connection to whatsoever. What has our little Edward found so wonderful? Two-Face. Edward sees Harvey “Two-Face” Dent, played by Tommy Lee Jones, as his way of getting back at Bruce Wayne. In his mind, “cheating” on Bruce Wayne with Two-Face is the perfect way to strike at his imaginary lover’s heart. And how exactly does he decide to go about “attracting” Two-Face? That’s right, dressing up in a bright pink wig and a skintight bodysuit made entirely of green spandex with little question marks all around. Androgyny, thy name is Edward Nygma.
We’ve all seen this. Some girl gets rejected by her big crush, then starts dating the bad boy who just wants to corrupt her innocent and fragile vagina, all to get back at the original crush. Well, this time it’s The Riddler getting back at Bruce Wayne, and accomplishing this feat by seducing Two-Face. Two-Face is quite a conundrum in this movie. He has two pretty girls at his beck and call, and basically shows no interest in them romantically. But when The Riddler comes knocking on his door, he shows him the kind of treatment only a bad boy with a heart of gold can. Sure, he sticks a gun in his face, but when he does it he’s basically on top of him. He’s merely asserting his dominance in the relationship. He’s saying, “There will be no doubt over who will be top and who will be bottom here, Mr. Green Spandex”. And what are we, the audience, to think about all of this? There are two ladies over there wanting to feed you a gourmet meal and probably partake in on a threesome, and if you were any closer to The Riddler you’d be inside of him. Men in skintight spandex beat out women any day of the week in Schumacher’s universe.
The jewel heist scene, which is for all intents and purposes Riddler and Two-Face’s first date, is also an example of Two-Face’s dominance. During the robbery, Two-Face teaches Riddler how to assert himself (be less submissive) by punching a guy (sodomy). You see, Two-Face wants to be the husband, but hey, his butthole needs pleasure too. The shot in the car after the robbery is incredibly telling, as well, and is also a sign of what’s to come for The Riddler. In this car, after a robbery, Riddler is, believe it or not, wearing a diamond tiara. Pink wig, green spandex, diamond tiara, and flaming.
The robbery was all to fund Nygma’s invention, which makes him fabulousy wealthy and a part of Gotham’s social elite in, oh, a week and a half. This all culminates in a scene at a classy party to launch Nygma’s device. At this shindig, Nygma of course runs into Bruce Wayne, whose date is GASP! A woman! Nygma has a date as well: Sugar, played by a half-naked Drew Barrymore. Edward has Drew Barrymore on his arm that evening and basically treats her with disdain. She’s the classic beard, trying to turn men that simply crave cock towards her vagina, with no avail. Surprisingly, Nygma asks Bruce Wayne’s date, played by Nicole Kidman, to dance. Could this be a turning point into heterosexuality for Edward? No, he spends the entire dance staring at Bruce Wayne.
Long story short, Riddler with the help of his device, figures out that Bruce Wayne is Batman. This leads to an elaborate trap that leads Batman into Riddler’s hideout. Words do not do justice to what transpires next. Batman encounters The Riddler atop his throne, adorned in a brand new spandex outfit. It’s covered in bright sequins. His pink hair is also done up for the first time in the film. It’s like he was all dolled up for the prom, and he was expecting Batman to be his date. Don’t wait up Ma, Edward Nygma wants to see the back seat of the Batmobile tonight!
From there, we get a game that Riddler challenges Batman to. Well, it seems Batman has to choose to save either his lady love Nicole Kidman, or Robin. Nice try, Edward. We all know you want Batman to condemn both of them to a watery grave so that you and he could jet off to Rio. No luck, as Batman does his thing and saves them both, thereby affirming his own acceptance of his, “double life”. It’s almost as if Batman said, “Hey Edward, I can have the Boy Wonder AND the girl, while all you get is that scab-faced freak that used you until you put out”. Then Batman kills Two-Face, thereby completely destroying Riddler’s love life.
Our story ends as Edward gets placed into Arkham Asylum, all for being the stalker we’ve all known him to be for the last two hours. Oh, and brainwashing all of Gotham City probably had something to do with it as well. And what is our friend Edward doing in the loony bin? That’s right, he thinks he’s Batman. I can only imagine what the psychiatrists discuss regarding his case. I think we all know by now that Edward longed to be inside Batman, and this was his only way of accomplishing that feat. His soul is linked with Batman’s, like, forever. Yeah, that’s it.
 
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