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His Disillusion (1 Viewer)

Mystovation

Senior Member
a life unforeseen unto
his

suppositions and presumptions seems
as

though the fruit of his
labor

was nothing but a fool’s
errand






EXPLANATION: Basically the narrator expected the life that came after his hard work and dedicated character would be prominent and successful. But it is actually the complete opposite.
 
Last edited:

aj47

(he/him)
WF Veterans
a life unforeseen unto
his

suppositions and presumptions seems
as

though the fruit of his
labor

was nothing but a fool’s
errand

I see the point of this but it starts out weak, in the passive voice. Also "seems" is a waffle-word without energy or power.

You could take it starting at L4 and just use that. Also the line breaks in awkward places but i recognize that as a "style" that some people favor.

as though the fruit of his
labor

was nothing but a fool’s
errand
 

Mystovation

Senior Member
To tell you the truth, it was supposed to come off with a kind of depressing aura and I could come up with no other way to word it. In a way he was meant to sound not mad, but just disappointed and regretful
 

Pandora

Honoured/Sadly Missed
Sounds real, I like how you describe what most feel at sometime in their lives, a fool's errand indeed. Well done, short and to the point. A lot of emotion in a couple few lines. I took not only disappointment but hopelessness, when effort just doesn't bring us what we need and want. We can relate, thanks Mystovation.
 

Scribe101

Senior Member
Hi,

It's great that you're writing poetry.

May I ask, is there any particular reason you used enjambment for
the last word in every line?
 

Mystovation

Senior Member
Hi,

It's great that you're writing poetry.

May I ask, is there any particular reason you used enjambment for
the last word in every line?

Honestly, there was no reason for it, I simply felt as if it would make the poem a tad more interesting and now that I think about it, it would probably be better if I had left that out
 

Mystovation

Senior Member
Sounds real, I like how you describe what most feel at sometime in their lives, a fool's errand indeed. Well done, short and to the point. A lot of emotion in a couple few lines. I took not only disappointment but hopelessness, when effort just doesn't bring us what we need and want. We can relate, thanks Mystovation.

Thank you for understanding and enjoyment in my poem! :)
 

Scribe101

Senior Member
Honestly, there was no reason for it, I simply felt as if it would make the poem a tad more interesting and now that I think about it, it would probably be better if I had left that out

It's good to experiment and play around.

Try re-drafting it without the 'last word enjambment' and then post it here.
It's natural for poems to go through several drafts before being finished.

Some of the best poems are a result of writing and rewriting.
 

Mystovation

Senior Member
a life unforeseen unto his suppositions and presumptions
as though the fruit of his labor was nothing but a fool’s errand


hmmm something like this?
 

Abby

WF Veterans
Your re-write flows much better than the original imo, I like it! I would build on it now though, without all the breaks it' s a great intro. Also "as though the fruits of his labor were nothing but a fool's errand" flows a little better I think.
 

Mystovation

Senior Member
Build on it....that actually sounds like a great idea. using this as an intro into a deeper work would be great, thanks for the idea! :)
 

Scribe101

Senior Member
a life unforeseen unto his suppositions and presumptions
as though the fruit of his labor was nothing but a fool’s errand


hmmm something like this?

I think the rewrite is definitely more graceful, more musical.

Perhaps some of the diction is a little old fashioned. Could you
try rewriting it without the 'unto'?

Also, what do you mean when you say 'the fruit of his labor was nothing
but a fool's errand'?

Surely it would be the labour that was the fools errand, and not the
results of the labour.

So I would think about what it is you're trying to say.

'Fruit of his labor' and 'fool's errand' are a little bit cliched.
Perhaps you could try inventing an image - a metaphor or simile -
that brings to life the sentiment.

Combine the rewriting process with a close reading of poetry
that you like. Reading poetry on a regular basis is a very
important factor in the development of your poetry skills.

On the whole, I think you have a natural gift for language.
So do keep with it: study, read and practise.
 

Mystovation

Senior Member
Thank you for your critique Scribe101 revealing to me a bad habit that has become a major issue with me. I tend to decorate my works with fancy words yet leave the actual content of the works a bit questionable.
 

Scribe101

Senior Member
Thank you for receiving the critique so graciously.

As you develop, you'll find that a lot of accomplished poets started out like you.

Keep at it.
 
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