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Hiding Alone (1 Viewer)

“The world does not need me
For no-one shall heed me.
All alone in a sea
Of sameness quite dark
My heart it does swell
On my face leaves a mark
On the slate that I hold
Emotion written in bold
I wipe it away
And fake them all day.”
 

shadows

Senior Member
Hi Doug

Sad when you feel invisible and alone and that comes across well in this. I think you need to keep the rhyme pattern consistent throughout so that it has a steady rhythm or write in Free Verse which gives you more freedom to express what you want.
 

vangoghsear

WF Veteran
WF Veterans
Doug,
I see you only have a few posts so far, so welcome!

Shadows' comments are spot on. Most of the rhymes are okay, but not consistent in their rhythm. The last rhyme and some of the others seem forced.

You seem to have a poetic depth of feeling. You should try writing this same poem over, but just saying exactly what you mean first without the rhymes, then adding imagery to show what you mean instead of tell.

All alone in a sea
Of sameness quite dark

This was a good phrase. It shows us loneliness.
 

darkonone

Senior Member
So far as the rhyme scheme: don't do consistent throughout, that would be a drag. On the other hand, just because you do 'free verse' doesn't mean you can't have some structured parts and parts that rhyme-- the contrast with the 'freer' lines can be very effective.

The last four lines seem like they could get somewhere. The last rhyme is not forced, for some reason it seems kind of like rap, though; the first rhyme is poor. The lines 'My heart it does swell, on my face leaves a mark' ED: may kind of make sense but still, they are no good.

also 'i'm all alone in a sea...dark' is pretty bad, especially given the 3-line rhyme (which may be unintentional).
 
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vangoghsear

WF Veteran
WF Veterans
“The world does not need me
For no-one shall heed me.

All alone in a sea
Of sameness quite dark
My heart it does swell
On my face leaves a mark

On the slate that I hold
Emotion written in bold
I wipe it away
And fake them all day.”
Just breaking it up differently helps. The last four lines do work when taken together; taken as two couplets it made no sense and seemed really forced to me.
 
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