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Hey "Hey Dear Close One" (1 Viewer)

ritudimrinautiyal

Senior Member
Hey "My Dear Close One",
How strange you sound!!!!!

The other day,
When you chose me.
You said that,
You were mesmerised by,
"My unusualness",
Mesmerised by "Me" being different,
And that made you fall in love with me.
And I tell you,
Those words you uttered, mesmerised me enough,
To fall in love with you,
And that way alliance to occur between us
To bring to a conclusion,
The matter between us.

But! but! Is it really going that way?
When just after the alliance,
The very next moment you say,
"Hey , on this planet ,
'We Two' are not the 'World' here,
Living the life of an 'Island', happened here.

So before coming inside,
Leave the 'Unusualness' outside the door.
And enter inside 'My home',
With 'Usualness' more.

The 'Usualness' of,
'Not' singing here and there in your voice,
Which was earlier, unusually melodious, Acording to your choice.

The 'Usualness' of,
'Not' writing 'On' what you find right.
Already enough enter the problems,
Coming with alliance to fight.

The 'Usualness' of,
'Not' doing, what you wanted to do earlier,
Because, there have come into existence,
Bigger than big problems of barriers.

The usualness of,
'Not' doing blah blah blah
And too many blah blah blahs ".

So "My Dear Close One",
The picture you are showing me,
Of all ' Usualnesses'.
I already knew that,
They would exist.
But I thought,
For 'You ',
Choosing me for 'My Unusualness',
The unusual thing you will do,
Will stand like a pillar,
For my structure of 'Views', 'Thoughts',
To not fall down,
And walking by my side ,
To face everything in front.
But but but !!!!
'You' couldnt become,
"That Unusual".

So, "My Dear Close One ",
I forgot to tell you a thing "One",
Before falling in love with you,
Much years before,
I fell in love with myself,
With "My Unusualness",
With "Me" being me,
So I am here by taking "Myself" back from "You"
And giving it back to "Me".
So stay inside your planet,
With "You",
Without "Me".

Ritu Dimri Nautiyal
 

2020Syd2020

Senior Member
Hello,

Overall I like this piece, I think you do well to create an intimacy between the characters with in this piece that is sweet and a little melancholic at the same time. For me I get a sense of sadness in this piece, I’m not sure that was intended but for me it permeates throughout this piece.

Critically, I feel that as a piece it is somewhat overlong which isn’t a bad thing, but I feel that when it comes to length you need to keep the reader by changing tone, rhythm and or lineation so that it doesn’t start to feel a little samey. Some of the phrasing can also feel a little awkward at times, and I lose the sense of who the speaker is when you quote so often. Simply I would separate the speech from the body of the piece and italicise one of the speakers.

But, please do not think I don’t like this piece. I really do and I look forward to seeing how it develops.

Cheers

Syd
 

ritudimrinautiyal

Senior Member
Hello,

Overall I like this piece, I think you do well to create an intimacy between the characters with in this piece that is sweet and a little melancholic at the same time. For me I get a sense of sadness in this piece, I’m not sure that was intended but for me it permeates throughout this piece.

Critically, I feel that as a piece it is somewhat overlong which isn’t a bad thing, but I feel that when it comes to length you need to keep the reader by changing tone, rhythm and or lineation so that it doesn’t start to feel a little samey. Some of the phrasing can also feel a little awkward at times, and I lose the sense of who the speaker is when you quote so often. Simply I would separate the speech from the body of the piece and italicise one of the speakers.

But, please do not think I don’t like this piece. I really do and I look forward to seeing how it develops.

Cheers

Syd
Hi Syd
You are right. Sadness is the feeling, one would definitely come across, reading this. I will go through your suggestion, and will try to incorporate there in the poem.
Always a pleasure to have your suggestions.
Thanks.

Ritu
 
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