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Herb (Some Explicit Language) (1 Viewer)

Glyph

Senior Member
Hi everyone, so this is a story I started writing about a boy who recruits this girl on a drug mission. This is the first chapter. I would love to hear feedback - good or bad. I want to know if I should continue with this and if it has potential. If people like it, I will post up the next 3 chapters (2, 3 & 4), and ask for more critiques. Anything will be appreciated! Thanks!

~ Glyph. :02.47-tranquillity:

Part 1
Chapter 1

“I’m so happy you’re letting me do this.”, but he didn’t want to make her happy. It was never part of any plan. Not his duty, he believed.

“I’m happy you’re happy.” He tried smiling, but only scratched his temple and looked the other way,

“Well, I am. It’s not every day that you let me into your life, Nolan.”

“You don’t want to be let in every day.”

The car stopped. The tires screeched and the smell of the burn lifted into his nose, “What? That’s not true. Ever since I married your father, you know I’ve been trying to be like a mother to you.”

“You could never be my mother. You didn’t even know her.”

“Neither did you.”

He turned to her and opened his mouth but only squeaks and sounds of defeat came out; he didn’t have a comeback. He simply opened the car door and walked out. No matter if it was raining, or if the roads were slippery under his old sneakers, he didn’t care. He didn’t want to, or need to.

“Walking out on a battle doesn’t constitute as a victory, Nolan!” She called to him as she opened the window and stuck her head out. She looked like a fool, wearing sunglasses in the dim of the gloomy morning. Her alcoholic breath was almost visible.

Nolan stopped and turned in her direction. Still nothing. He walked away.

---☼
He took a deep breath, sucking in enough to make a sound loud enough to hear. He pursed his glossy lips just slightly so the smoke could leave the small crack between them. It was always surprising to him that something so bad for you could look so beautiful in the autumn air,

“How many of those have you had today?”

It was strange that Clark asked him this. Nolan didn’t expect him to think about him, his health or his life. It was never brought up in the past. It was just a smoke between classmates. It was hard for him to consider Clark as a friend. But he wanted to answer. Nolan was happy someone had asked him after what seemed like a lifetime of neglect, so he turned to Clark, with a curl on the right of his mouth, “Not even Kari asks me that. Why are you?”

“Dude, Kari’s an ignorant slut who gets with your dad for his money. She’s a fucking gold digger.”

And he laughed. It felt… weird. Or perhaps it was the laughter that helped smooth the roughness of days he chose to live through.

“Besides, in all the times we’ve skipped fourth to take a smoke, I’ve never seen you do so many.”

“But watch me,” He fell to lie on his back, and he made delicate shapes with the smoke out of his mouth, the light, dirty grey of it contrasting against the dark, monstrous sky above, “You just can’t get enough of shit like that.”

He lifted his hands up lazily to brush his fingers against the fragile mixture of smoke and air. He smirked and brought the cigarette back to his lips, smoothly inhaling, the paper turning a bright orange as it burned quietly.

“Maybe you should stop, Nolan, it’s almost time for class anyway.”

“You go, I’m staying.”

“No way, it’s a miracle the principal lets us do this knowingly, she’ll expel us if she finds out we’re blowing off fifth as well.”

“You idiot, if she’s letting us blow off fourth, then she doesn’t give a shit anymore. It’s cute how much you care about something you should be entirely apathetic about.”

“And why are you so indifferent towards everything? It’s like you have no emotions.”

“And that’s bad?”

“Hell yeah,” Clark shifted to face him better, “If you were dying, I wouldn’t be able to tell if you were dying or laughing.”

“Well, you can’t spell slaughter without laughter anyway.”

“Was that a joke?” He asked him in a tone he’d expect most from his father and least from a classmate – disgusted. He didn’t look at him and instead replied slowly,

“What the hell do you think?”

He knew Clark was giving him a look, but he didn’t turn to see him. He just lay there, blowing circles of smoke in front of his face. It was a sick pleasure.

“I think you’re a fucking mental patient. This is why I never talked to you. This is why no one ever talks to you.” Clark got up and left, throwing his freshly lit cigarette on the ground. Nolan turned his head to watch Clark’s expensive shoes soak in the shallow mud puddles, then turned it back to see Clark’s cigarette on the ground. He pulled his own from his lips and examined its size. It, he threw away and took Clark’s waste and inhaled.
 

Folcro

Creative Area Specialist (Fiction)
WF Veterans
The dialogue is good in a sense, but the general direction of the conversations at times seems strange: At first, Nolan's stepmother seems sympathetic to him, then comes up with the malicious line “Walking out on a battle doesn’t constitute as a victory, Nolan!” with alcoholic breath. By the way, could he really smell it from where he was?

He turned to her and opened his mouth but only squeaks and sounds of defeat came out; he didn’t have a comeback. He simply opened the car door and walked out. I'm finding it hard to imagine his squeaking in the conversation. You might prefer to change it to nothing came out. The "simply" does not serve your sentence here.

He pursed his glossy lips. Is he wearing lip gloss?

It was strange that Clark asked him this. Nolan didn’t expect him to think about him, his health or his life. It was never brought up in the past. It was just a smoke between classmates. It was hard for him to consider Clark as a friend. But he wanted to answer. Nolan was happy someone had asked him after what seemed like a lifetime of neglect, so he turned to Clark, with a curl on the right of his mouth, “Not even Kari asks me that. Why are you?There is a lot of redundant information in this paragraph that is already explained in what Nolan says here. Many times, a character's reaction and words can lead a reader to figure out what is going on. It is a method far more effective than merely telling us what is going on.

...dirty grey of it contrasting against the dark, monstrous sky above.
Are you sure the two are contrasting? It seems to me the colors would be similar.

“No way, it’s a miracle the principal lets us do this knowingly..."
Watch out for expository dialogue. It can help give the reader a foothold but it's phony as hell. It's not direly bad here, but be careful. Inexperienced writers can sometimes make it look like the character is turning his head to me to tell me what is happening. Leave that stuff to the narrator. The character's conversations should be liquid and believable, especially for one who seems to lean so heavily on dialogue.

"It’s cute how much you care about something you should be entirely apathetic about."
Is this the sound a kid who cuts class? Sounds to me like he's the one teaching it.

Take care as to your paragraph construct. Try to leave each one to a single character. The next one will be the next character's speaking. Fragmenting it as you did can cause confusion. And watch your pronouns. I often have trouble knowing which "he" you are talking about.

You are a good writer, but I would break the dialogue up more. More description. Thought, perhaps. What is the character doing while he speaks and how is that action (without explaining it) relevant to either the character or the situation. Consider everything that is going on within and around the character when a scene like this takes place. Conversations can be very heavy in drama, even if on the surface they don't appear to be. Good luck to it.

By the way, your avatar is quite nostalgic.
 
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