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Hell is the one true hospital, (1 Viewer)

albertjacc

Senior Member
Good day to you my fellow writers,i am here today to present you some of my work.This is the first story I am sharing with you,i also wrote ang posted a poem.I would like it if you would express what you think about my work.I wrote a first chapter,an introduction of one interesting story,i hope.Now,my story is kind of short and to the point,but the point now is that you,the fellows who will read it,to find the hidden fact in it.The story gives you some hints about what is really happening.I know it is not finished and there are some mistakes here and there,but I want to find out if it is possible for you to find out what is happening from these words.I hope you enjoy it my dear writers....
Tired…tired is the word I was searching for all this time.I am tired of this purple shit,pardon my french.Every morning when I get up,I keep hearing this goddamn song!!Doc,what is so wrong with me?Tell me doc,what should I do?The least thing I expected from a psychiatrist was an aswer,but…she just kept asking me stuf,stuff that had no connecion to my problem.
Now sir,you say that you hearBonnie Tyler`s I need a hero evey morning you wake up,right?For how long doesthe song keeps playing in your head,sir?She asked me for how goddamn long doesthe song plays…what a waste of my goddamn time.That is exactly what I told her,Isent her to hell!!i told her to go French herself in the back!!
Doc,please…forgive my anger I…this song drives me crazy…4 hours straight,I have to wake up at 4 just to get it out of my head until I get to work!!I am the goddamn sheriff,and if someone other then you finds out doc,I am frenched,like the goddamn toast.She kept telling methat the song is a message and I should listen carefully…but I knew it was bullshit,it was crap!!!I went there just to get the goddamn pills,just for that…she gave them to me allright,I just had to push her a bit.Doc,do you actually know what the fuck is going on here?Do you even try to help me?I need a goddamn hero!!Where have all the good men gone?Shit!!Please doc,please… Sir,you have to stop talking like that,please…if I give you those pills,what would you do?Are you even allowed to take them at work?She pretended she cared about my job,the bitch…butI made the rules.
I was the damned sheriff,and I made the rules,not the goddamned psychiatrist!!
Sheriff,would you please take the pills and be nice,what would the other officers think about youif they heard you talking like this…

 

bdcharles

Wɾ¡ʇ¡∩9
Staff member
Media Manager
It's quite good and funny in a strange way. As for finding the fact in it, and the clues? Well, there's the word "french" popping up in the oddest of places. Something "purple" ... umm, I really don't know. Are you a sheriff? Or - keeping with the French theme - is your town sans sheriff?
 

albertjacc

Senior Member
You are not even close.But i will give you two clues:
the song has no connection whatsoever with the story,just the fact that the guy is hearing it.
There is a diffrence between a paychologist and a psychiatrist.You go to the PSYCHOLOGIST if you have social anxiety or you are depressed.Psichiatrists are only found in special places.
 
You are not even close.But i will give you two clues:
the song has no connection whatsoever with the story,just the fact that the guy is hearing it.
There is a diffrence between a paychologist and a psychiatrist.You go to the PSYCHOLOGIST if you have social anxiety or you are depressed.Psichiatrists are only found in special places.

Usually you can find psychologists and psychiatrists in the same place. Psychiatrists just have the ability to prescribe medications.
Has he been committed to a mental health facility?
 

albertjacc

Senior Member
Bingo,my friend!!you got it, i am so happy someone realised something.Psychiatrists are also found in mental facilities,to treat pacients with mental problems.The guy is not a sheriff,he is in a looney bin,he is crazy.
 
Bingo,my friend!!you got it, i am so happy someone realised something.Psychiatrists are also found in mental facilities,to treat pacients with mental problems.The guy is not a sheriff,he is in a looney bin,he is crazy.

Very interesting concept.

Something to consider though. Your initial posting did not lead me to this conclusion. It was the 'clues' you provided after the reading.

I would recommend some revisions to make this meaning more clear.
Consider changing the dialog with the psychiatrist. It doesn't feel authentic for two reason. The psychiatrist seems condescending and she plays into his delusions. Since this is an unreliable narrator the condescension doesn't necessarily need to change. Your narrator may view the psychiatrist that way. However, that could also mean that the psychiatrist is a part of the delusion. Also, the psychiatrist refers to him as 'Sheriff' and plays into his fantasy by asking "Are you allowed to take them at work?" This is something that would reinforce his delusion and is not something that a real psychiatrist would or could do.

Is the interaction with the psychiatrist real or delusion? This could use some clarity and may assist the reader in understanding that he is in fact a patient and not a Sheriff. Add quotation marks around the dialog if it isn't in his head. Watch your spacing. You seem to be losing formatting.
 

albertjacc

Senior Member
I do not know why some of the words do not have space between them,i think i shoud change the font.Anyway,the conversation takes place in the lunatic's head.Rhis is why the doctor acts the way she acts.But i really need to make this seem more obvious,i will try to make the story more...realistic but in the same way so fake that it could only exist in his head.
 

Bard_Daniel

Senior Member
I think you have an interesting piece here but I would stress your own suggestions about making the story more fake so that it could appear more insistently in his head. You've got something to work from here though! :D

Thanks for sharing and have a nice day!
 

HoivinRossi

Senior Member
The hidden fact gave me a slight chuckle and the read, while short, was interesting and enjoyable. Good luck with any future writings!
 
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