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Hearts on fire (1 Viewer)

Jk_Sl

Senior Member
Never tell her
she's beautiful
visually it's apparent
compliments cage
vacant and
full of inaction.
feed her mind,
drown her with
poetic lines

Drown her with
poetic rhymes
Never tell her she is beautiful
small talk bores her to death

Lace her body
In velvet red
a whisper of
the lips against
her neck
pull her in tight
like you fucking
mean it

If you're lucky enough
to learn her language
you'll earn the very
best parts of her

Feed her with
with passion,
With poetry
ink and fire

Lift her higher
watch her grow
she'll lift you higher
&
watch you grow

A lover
a best friend
somebody to
go to war with

Feed her with
with passion,
With poetry
ink and fire



27f458f88b0c47d1e9346c057a2d8839.jpg




94dcfa1d971f8a9c5f42d90da2a3cc1c.jpg



J.h
 
Last edited:

2020Syd2020

Senior Member
Hello,

I like the structure and flow of this, the paired back delivery works. For me in terms of content is where I might make a small criticism, I feel like she, isn’t really fleshed out as a character I get that it’s a poem and character development isn’t as key as it would be with prose, but it feels like a series of female archetypes rather than a fully fleshed woman. I also find drape her body to be a somewhat problematic image as it turns her into an object, I want to see the woman behind the words, if she has caused you to write so passionately about her, let the reader see why.

Cheers

Syd
 

Jk_Sl

Senior Member
Hello,

I like the structure and flow of this, the paired back delivery works. For me in terms of content is where I might make a small criticism, I feel like she, isn’t really fleshed out as a character I get that it’s a poem and character development isn’t as key as it would be with prose, but it feels like a series of female archetypes rather than a fully fleshed woman. I also find drape her body to be a somewhat problematic image as it turns her into an object, I want to see the woman behind the words, if she has caused you to write so passionately about her, let the reader see why.

Cheers

Syd

Thank you Syd,
I value everything you have said,
Thank you very much for your help.

J.h
 
Never tell her
she's beautiful
visually it's apparent
compliments cage
vacant and
full of inaction

Touch her soul
feed her mind
drown her with
poetic lines

Drown her with
poetic rhymes
Small talk bores her
literally to death

Lace her body
In velvet red
bite her neck
grab her hips
pull her in tight
and show her
you’re serious

If you're lucky enough
to learn her language
you'll earn the very
best parts of her

Feed her heart and
soul with passion,
poetry ink and fire

Lift her higher
watch her grow
she'll
lift you higher and
watch you grow

A lover
a best friend
somebody to
go to war with

This one is for
the hearts on fire
Feed her with passion,
poetry ink and fire

27f458f88b0c47d1e9346c057a2d8839.jpg




94dcfa1d971f8a9c5f42d90da2a3cc1c.jpg



J.h

lovely poem. I too would like to know which imperfections make her beautiful. love the picture of the flaming heart
 

ritudimrinautiyal

Senior Member
Never tell her
she's beautiful
visually it's apparent
compliments cage
vacant and
full of inaction

Touch her soul
feed her mind
drown her with
poetic lines

Drown her with
poetic rhymes
Small talk bores her
literally to death

Lace her body
In velvet red
bite her neck
grab her hips
pull her in tight
and show her
you’re serious

If you're lucky enough
to learn her language
you'll earn the very
best parts of her

Feed her heart and
soul with passion,
poetry ink and fire

Lift her higher
watch her grow
she'll
lift you higher and
watch you grow

A lover
a best friend
somebody to
go to war with

This one is for
the hearts on fire
Feed her with passion,
poetry ink and fire

27f458f88b0c47d1e9346c057a2d8839.jpg




94dcfa1d971f8a9c5f42d90da2a3cc1c.jpg



J.h

A lover, a best friend somebody to go to war with,
It is a kind of sharing of blindfold mutual trust and energising mutual strength.
I loved all lines.
Keep writing
Good luck
Ritu
 

Jk_Sl

Senior Member
A lover, a best friend somebody to go to war with,
It is a kind of sharing of blindfold mutual trust and energising mutual strength.
I loved all lines.
Keep writing
Good luck
Ritu

Thank you very much Ritu
That means a lot [emoji4]
 
Last edited:

Firemajic

Poetry Mentor
Staff member
Senior Mentor
Never tell her
she's beautiful
visually it's apparent
compliments cage
vacant and
full of inaction

Touch her soul
feed her mind
drown her with
poetic lines

Drown her with
poetic rhymes
Small talk bores her
literally to death

Lace her body
In velvet red
bite her neck
grab her hips
pull her in tight
and show her
you’re serious

If you're lucky enough
to learn her language
you'll earn the very
best parts of her

Feed her heart and
soul with passion,
poetry ink and fire

Lift her higher
watch her grow
she'll
lift you higher and
watch you grow

A lover
a best friend
somebody to
go to war with

This one is for
the hearts on fire
Feed her with passion,
poetry ink and fire

J.h

There is a fine line you need to walk, when you write "romantic" poetry... and dare I say it, but maybe even some "unwritten rules"....

This line is your best "Feed her with passion, poetry, ink and fire" THIS line is killer!
Maybe reword it: Feed her passion with poetry, ink and fire"...
Now, don't hate me, but there are some clichés that have slipped out of your pen... for example "touch her soul".... ummmm... no... no... "feed her mind" very abstract...
"hearts on fire"... no... no... NO ;) nono....

Love this:
Never tell her she is beautiful"... now move the 3rd and 4th line of the 3rd stanza so it would read like this:

Never tell her she is beautiful
small talk bores her to death

IMO, this would make a strong opening line and give your reader a clear indication of the kind of woman you are writing about...

4th stanza... " bite her neck", "grab her hips"...... welllll hummm... sometimes a whisper of lips against the skin is more erotic than a "bite"... "grab her hips"... hummmm... let me think.... no. no...

anyway, these were my thoughts as I read your poem... as I said before, you walk a fine line when writing this kind of poetry... it has all been said many... many times before... so make it NEW, make it YOU...
 

Jk_Sl

Senior Member
There is a fine line you need to walk, when you write "romantic" poetry... and dare I say it, but maybe even some "unwritten rules"....

This line is your best "Feed her with passion, poetry, ink and fire" THIS line is killer!
Maybe reword it: Feed her passion with poetry, ink and fire"...
Now, don't hate me, but there are some clichés that have slipped out of your pen... for example "touch her soul".... ummmm... no... no... "feed her mind" very abstract...
"hearts on fire"... no... no... NO ;) nono....

Love this:
Never tell her she is beautiful"... now move the 3rd and 4th line of the 3rd stanza so it would read like this:

Never tell her she is beautiful
small talk bores her to death

IMO, this would make a strong opening line and give your reader a clear indication of the kind of woman you are writing about...

4th stanza... " bite her neck", "grab her hips"...... welllll hummm... sometimes a whisper of lips against the skin is more erotic than a "bite"... "grab her hips"... hummmm... let me think.... no. no...

anyway, these were my thoughts as I read your poem... as I said before, you walk a fine line when writing this kind of poetry... it has all been said many... many times before... so make it NEW, make it YOU...

Thank you very much, and hate is very strong.
I would never hate anybody.
I welcome constructive criticism, it’s the only way I will grow.

And the hearts on fire is hinting at deceit from a song, asking if the relationship is still strong and is going to last or not.

Thank you very much for your kindness.
 
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