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Growing up (1 Viewer)

rogerblingham

Senior Member
I went to mother, she guided me to school
I went to school, they guided me to college
I went to college, they guided me to society
I went to society, it guided me to go home
I went home found my mother
Surprise! I was grown up!
 
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ned

Senior Member
hello - I like the concept here, but it doesn't really work - this sort of repetitive poem needs to be a lot more witty.

it falls down from 'society' - which is a bad fit - and the ending is not really a surprise.

I would take it in another direction - the narrator gets sacked, ends up broke, and has to go back home.
just an idea...

Ned
 

SilverMoon

WF Veterans
I went to mother, she guided me to school
I went to school, they guided me to college
I went to college, they guided me to society
I went to society, it guided me to go home
I went home found my mother
Surprise! I was grown up!

Roger, I happened to really enjoy this. The repetition works here, tightly knit, but in L5 you omit "guided" which is the operative word throughout your poem. This throws the piece off.

I agree with ned and Daniel. You need a homerun ending in this succinct poem. Not easy. I like ned's suggestion...
quote_icon.png
Originally Posted by ned I would take it in another direction - the narrator gets sacked, ends up broke, and has to go back home. just an idea...

I would go this route, making point in a dialogue rhyme. The dialogue brings mother to "life" who started all this business, to no avail. Incorporating a fun rhyme (even though it's not rhyme poem and that's OK) will make for a clever wrap up. "Something like" I highlighted in blue.

I went to mother, she guided me to school
I went to school, they guided me to college
I went to college, they guided me to society
I went to society, it guided me to go home
I went home, mother guided me to my room
where I could hear her holler "You hadn't saved a dollar!"

It's your poem to rock! Just a little direction. Just love the concept! Now bring it home! :eek:nthego: Pun intended
 
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rogerblingham

Senior Member
:fat:Dear Silvermoon,
Roger, I happened to really enjoy this. The repetition works here, tightly knit, but in L5 you omit "guided" which is the operative word throughout your poem. This throws the piece off.

I agree with ned and Daniel. You need a homerun ending in this succinct poem. Not easy. I like ned's suggestion...

I would go this route, making point in a dialogue rhyme. The dialogue brings mother to "life" who started all this business, to no avail. Incorporating a fun rhyme (even though it's not rhyme poem and that's OK) will make for a clever wrap up. "Something like" I highlighted in blue.



It's your poem to rock! Just a little direction. Just love the concept! Now bring it home! :eek:nthego: Pun intended

In a lighter mood :That analysis is something appreciable! Looks like I am going to plagiarize from you:fat:!
In a normal thinking mood : I knew about weak ending. But I could not withhold myself from pushing it up here! Thanks for the suggestions.

RB
 

SilverMoon

WF Veterans
quote_icon.png
Originally Posted by rogerblingham Looks like I am going to plagiarize from you:fat:!
You have my permission! Please keep writing and posting. You've got some talent going on. Don't want to miss out!:watermelon: Silver
 
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